“Based on an exploration of your files I’ve determined you have a poor grasp of the English language, a browsing history indicating a profound personality disor

“Based on an exploration of your files I’ve determined you have a poor grasp of the English language, a browsing history indicating a profound personality disorder, and despite having 10 years of code you appear to be no better than a college freshmen. Likewise, after analyzing your photos I place you at the 20th percentile for attractiveness, which may explain the lack of a consistent partner and your pornography habits. Is there anything else I can help with?”