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> if you apprise your fiancé of the alternatives / opp costs What a romantic! I recommend not apprising your fiance of anything, but working to understand them

> if you apprise your fiancé of the alternatives / opp costs What a romantic! I recommend not apprising your fiance of anything, but working to understand them and make your engagement as joyful and loving as possible. > I made it clear though that if I got this, she is not getting a new one for a long time (she has a tendency to want to rent / sample / change things up). Is she 12 years old? Is it legal to marry someone that age? :) I hope she said, 'oh, yes dear, whatever you say', and went out and bought another the next day. But I'm guessing you didn't say actually that to your spouse. I hope you said something like, 'I'm a bit worried about our budget for such things'. Unless it was for your engagement, and then I hope you didn't say a thing. > Guys, buying diamonds, can complain all day about what a rip off it is (it is). People buy similarly useless crap all the time, like cars that are more expensive than they need. Why is her preference any less legitimate, why does it need any more excuse, than any other? The only argument I see is, it's not your preference.

atleastoptimal 3y ago
She can have a preference, and he can preference on whether or not he buys it for her. A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. Cultural shaming shouldn't keep people from having reasonable discussions, especially when it's a purely ceremonial, psychological purchase, rather than something practical both partners could get value out of.
- wolverine876 3y ago
  > A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. You're asking the wrong questions and giving the wrong answers to them. Wrong questions: Those things don't matter in a serious, mature relationship, or are a low priority. The question is, what does your partner think? If it's important to them, then it's important. QED. That's because you care about your partner infinitely more and everything else is bullshit. Wrong answers: If it's not important to your partner, then you discuss it. But you're still wrong: The correct answer is not to bother with the discussion, but to make sure your partner feels listened to, respected, and supported. Make sure you feel that way too, or your relationship will eventually bomb. More wrong answers: If all of the above is done, and there's still room to discuss it, go for it. But you are still wrong: My impression is that you and the GGP seem to think that your opinions (and the grand HN consensus) are truths. Your opinion is just one limited take on reality.; your partner will have their own take, and, crucially: it's completely independent of you and your judgment; you have no business evaluating it; you just accept it. You listen, be curious about their take - give them space and time, because when you cut people off with your opinion, you actually never hear theirs (a widespread mistake of the arrogant, trapping them in ignorance). You take it in, challenge your own ideas. Then, finally, you are right to express yourself.
hackideiomat 3y ago
But I can use the car and it's not like Toyota can make the same car for way less... oh and less people died in the process, maybe

atleastoptimal 3y ago

She can have a preference, and he can preference on whether or not he buys it for her. A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. Cultural shaming shouldn't keep people from having reasonable discussions, especially when it's a purely ceremonial, psychological purchase, rather than something practical both partners could get value out of.

wolverine876 3y ago
> A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. You're asking the wrong questions and giving the wrong answers to them. Wrong questions: Those things don't matter in a serious, mature relationship, or are a low priority. The question is, what does your partner think? If it's important to them, then it's important. QED. That's because you care about your partner infinitely more and everything else is bullshit. Wrong answers: If it's not important to your partner, then you discuss it. But you're still wrong: The correct answer is not to bother with the discussion, but to make sure your partner feels listened to, respected, and supported. Make sure you feel that way too, or your relationship will eventually bomb. More wrong answers: If all of the above is done, and there's still room to discuss it, go for it. But you are still wrong: My impression is that you and the GGP seem to think that your opinions (and the grand HN consensus) are truths. Your opinion is just one limited take on reality.; your partner will have their own take, and, crucially: it's completely independent of you and your judgment; you have no business evaluating it; you just accept it. You listen, be curious about their take - give them space and time, because when you cut people off with your opinion, you actually never hear theirs (a widespread mistake of the arrogant, trapping them in ignorance). You take it in, challenge your own ideas. Then, finally, you are right to express yourself.

hackideiomat 3y ago

But I can use the car and it's not like Toyota can make the same car for way less... oh and less people died in the process, maybe