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In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like

by sspiff 3y ago

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

ozim 3y ago
I am not native English speaker but for me ideal is: “I have x to be done, could you pick it up?”. If person says no or asks why I can elaborate or hear them out why and maybe I will do it on my own or delegate to another person. That sentence seems clear on what needs to be done and that it needs to be done, there is no “could, maybe” on the “do it” part and still gives other person control over the situation. For reasonable request and from boss position I don’t see how would it backfire. For unreasonable request or unreasonable person on receiving end - I guess there is no good way anyway :)
spinningslate 3y ago
great example that shows judgement, empathy and trust matter. Some people _want_ direct communication: they find fluff annoying, and don't take any insult or discomfort from it. Others find instruction challenging/insulting/intimidating and need softer interaction. A good leader can adjust their style to ensure the communication lands appropriately. Good leadership is largely about emotional intelligence.
- athreyac8 3y ago
  According to me this is better than all "Will you take out the trash?"
swayvil 3y ago
How about, "Im going to have you...". Do you get that one? I hate that one. What's wrong with a nice, "Please foo?"
- sgt 3y ago
  How about: "I'm gonna need you to..." or "I'm gonna ask you to go ahead and..." Especially for filling out time sheets or heck, TPS reports. This goes really well.
  - freedomben 3y ago
    This is what popped into my mind instantly when reading the parent comment as well! For anyone who has not seen the movie Office Space, you need to see it. While you are at it, also watch the series Silicon Valley.
freedomben 3y ago
I completely agree. I rejoice in directness. It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same. The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figure out what the person means. If they could just say what they mean, it would be so much easier. But no, instead we have to imply and hint our way to what we want lest we be taken as rude, and this requires the receiver to exercise some part of mind reading. Most of the time it actually works fine, but there are sometimes important and consequential moments when it doesn't work fine and there is miscommunication, sometimes with disastrous results. And completely unnecessary, if the person could have just said what they meant instead of trying to hint it. It doesn't need to be this way people.
- freedomben 3y ago
  Something I have noticed, is that the degree to which this is true is somewhat regional. If you are on the West Coast, the bar is much higher. If you are on the east coast, things are more sane, but trending in the wrong direction.
- TylerE 3y ago
  The biggest thing I hate is the attitude that work is something you're supposed to be passionate about. I'm passionate about having a roof over my head, not coding CRUD apps.
  - troyvit 3y ago
    I've been on both sides of this. Generally I am "passionate" about my work. I spend half my waking time doing it so I better have fun. I've managed equally passionate teams. All I'd have to say most times is, "We gotta get this done." And somebody would jump up and say they would do it, because they saw the value of learning it, the value to the team, the value to the organization, or all three. The last two places I have worked (A non-profit and a mission-based Linux company) have been completely different. Almost everybody was passionate only about keeping a roof over their heads (if that). It is a source of constant chuckles that I found more passion in a second tier ad-tech company than I do in mission-driven organizations. I think companies have earned this though because of exactly what others have said in this thread. Companies have taken advantage of passion so that now. Say what you will about the ad-tech company they did retreats all around the world, gave us interesting swag and threw incredible parties. The mission driven organizations are like "Do it because you belieeeeeve." [edited to remove nonsense]

by sspiff 3y ago

ozim 3y ago

I am not native English speaker but for me ideal is: “I have x to be done, could you pick it up?”. If person says no or asks why I can elaborate or hear them out why and maybe I will do it on my own or delegate to another person. That sentence seems clear on what needs to be done and that it needs to be done, there is no “could, maybe” on the “do it” part and still gives other person control over the situation. For reasonable request and from boss position I don’t see how would it backfire. For unreasonable request or unreasonable person on receiving end - I guess there is no good way anyway :)

spinningslate 3y ago

great example that shows judgement, empathy and trust matter. Some people _want_ direct communication: they find fluff annoying, and don't take any insult or discomfort from it. Others find instruction challenging/insulting/intimidating and need softer interaction. A good leader can adjust their style to ensure the communication lands appropriately. Good leadership is largely about emotional intelligence.

athreyac8 3y ago
According to me this is better than all "Will you take out the trash?"

swayvil 3y ago

How about, "Im going to have you...". Do you get that one? I hate that one. What's wrong with a nice, "Please foo?"

sgt 3y ago
How about: "I'm gonna need you to..." or "I'm gonna ask you to go ahead and..." Especially for filling out time sheets or heck, TPS reports. This goes really well.
- freedomben 3y ago
  This is what popped into my mind instantly when reading the parent comment as well! For anyone who has not seen the movie Office Space, you need to see it. While you are at it, also watch the series Silicon Valley.

freedomben 3y ago

I completely agree. I rejoice in directness. It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same. The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figure out what the person means. If they could just say what they mean, it would be so much easier. But no, instead we have to imply and hint our way to what we want lest we be taken as rude, and this requires the receiver to exercise some part of mind reading. Most of the time it actually works fine, but there are sometimes important and consequential moments when it doesn't work fine and there is miscommunication, sometimes with disastrous results. And completely unnecessary, if the person could have just said what they meant instead of trying to hint it. It doesn't need to be this way people.

freedomben 3y ago
Something I have noticed, is that the degree to which this is true is somewhat regional. If you are on the West Coast, the bar is much higher. If you are on the east coast, things are more sane, but trending in the wrong direction.
TylerE 3y ago
The biggest thing I hate is the attitude that work is something you're supposed to be passionate about. I'm passionate about having a roof over my head, not coding CRUD apps.
- troyvit 3y ago
  I've been on both sides of this. Generally I am "passionate" about my work. I spend half my waking time doing it so I better have fun. I've managed equally passionate teams. All I'd have to say most times is, "We gotta get this done." And somebody would jump up and say they would do it, because they saw the value of learning it, the value to the team, the value to the organization, or all three. The last two places I have worked (A non-profit and a mission-based Linux company) have been completely different. Almost everybody was passionate only about keeping a roof over their heads (if that). It is a source of constant chuckles that I found more passion in a second tier ad-tech company than I do in mission-driven organizations. I think companies have earned this though because of exactly what others have said in this thread. Companies have taken advantage of passion so that now. Say what you will about the ad-tech company they did retreats all around the world, gave us interesting swag and threw incredible parties. The mission driven organizations are like "Do it because you belieeeeeve." [edited to remove nonsense]