I actually had to learn more PHP than I'd have liked to write this post. It was never my language; I started in the Perl days before PHP was a thing, stuck wit

I actually had to learn more PHP than I'd have liked to write this post. It was never my language; I started in the Perl days before PHP was a thing, stuck with it, then jumped ship to Python. I've interacted with it in the form of horror stories from colleagues and the occasional having to fix some friend's oekaki thing or whatever. I wrote this because nobody had written it comprehensively enough, and as an engineer I am inexplicably convinced that I can do everything better than everyone else if I just redo it from scratch.