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There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothi

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

andirk 3y ago
I know your type and it's great! But yes, a connection is a dance, so if I'm getting pelted with these seemingly reasonable questions (read: "and how did that make you feel?"), they start feeling insincere.
- Aromasin 3y ago
  I can't tell you how many people I know who must have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" once and became parrots whose only contribution to the conversation was to ask me questions and say my name repeatedly. That does not make a good conversationalist.
slowhadoken 3y ago
There is a balance. I often tell people a funny anecdote to loosen them up and break the ice. It’s work entertaining people all night though. Back and forth is best.
plufz 3y ago
I still have this problem, I have friends but when we talk I often drift to make conversations about them. I think it is a difficult habit to get out of, and it feels awkward to say things about myself without getting an explicit question. For a long time I just thought people were rude but nowdays I understand the problem to a big part is with me. I have started to talk more about subjects that interest me since that doesnt make me feel as egocentric as straight up talking about myself. It feels like a step in the right direction…
- taopai 3y ago
  I had the same problem. It makes sense tot think about it in terms of space. If you never speak about yourself the other person "is taking up all the space". Speaking about yourself, or at least choosing topics proactively can improve your interaction with others. People often want to hear about you, but they prefer to hear about positive or interesting things that happen to you or what's on your mind. For example I love telling funny anecdotes, people love it and they have a great time. The key is to focus on their reaction. If they don't care about your interests or your day you'll know, and don't feel invalidated or get upset. Just change topics and have a good time.
mynameisvlad 3y ago
A big thing I’ve adopted recently is being open with my mental health with my friends (similarly, with a balance; nobody wants to be trauma bombed) which has helped a lot with both strengthening bonds and making sure my friends know when I’m not going to be at my best. Everyone deals with fucked up brains, and having people to openly talk about it with casually has both helped me deal with my own shit and get through it faster and meant we know each other on a far deeper level.
fnordpiglet 3y ago
I’ve found that people generally really enjoy talking about themselves but only if you’re truly interested and are drawing connections between yourself and them and their experiences and interests. If you’re merely pumping them for information or listening to their stories about themselves it’s not a connection building experience, it’s just setting them up to self reflect verbally to you. The key for me is people like to engage in a conversation about themselves, and that requires you to: * deeply interact with them about what they care about, challenging them m and giving them a chance to defend themselves and their beliefs in a way that is respectful and demonstrates true interest * weave yourself into the conversation bringing your experiences and thoughts into their conversation about themselves * try to learn something new from them, and be sure you articulate what you’ve learned clearly * bring new information to them about the things they care about and get their views on that information Etc It’s basically the same as any conversation that’s not a monologue, even a solicited one. They want to feel important and interesting to you, and learn about you at the same time. But in the end you can’t assume they’ll be interested in you at first, so it’s often useful to lead the way by being interested in them. If you are a person who likes to learn, this shouldn’t be hard. Just try to avoid sinking into social anxiety as best you can as that’s when things become forced and weird.
- twelvechairs 3y ago
  The way people approach conversation is strongly culturally ingrained. The way it was explained to me by a Brit is that he had to stop looking for "normal conversation" because Californians just "take turns talking about themselves". There's advantages and disadvantages both ways but most people are strongly biased to whatever approach they grew up with.
  - DonHopkins 3y ago
    Californians just take turns talking about what turns they took to drive to where they are talking about what roads they took to get there. Every Californians Ever (Part 1 of 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCer2e0t8r8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCer2e0t8r8 Every Californians Ever (Part 2 of 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzZkaqBmH-s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzZkaqBmH-s I love how the actors have such a hard time keeping from cracking up while delivering their lines and facial expressions, because it's TOTALLY how Californians actually talk. (Except for Betty White whose performance was flawless.) Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hella!!! Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Totally!!! https://escholarship.org/uc/item/6492j904 https://escholarship.org/uc/item/6492j904 Hella Nor Cal or Totally So Cal?: The Perceptual Dialectology of California Mary Bucholtz, Nancy Bermudez, Victor Fung, Lisa Edwards and Rosalva Vargas. Journal of English Linguistics 2007; 35; 325. DOI: 10.1177/0075424207307780 >Abstract >This study provides the first detailed account of perceptual dialectology within California (as well as one of the first accounts of perceptual dialectology within any single state). Quantitative analysis of a map-labeling task carried out in Southern California reveals that California’s most salient linguistic boundary is between the northern and southern regions of the state. Whereas studies of the perceptual dialectology of the United States as a whole have focused almost exclusively on regional dialect differences, respondents associated particular regions of California less with distinctive dialects than with differences in language (English versus Spanish), slang use, and social groups. The diverse socio linguistic situation of California is reflected in the emphasis both on highly salient social groups thought to be stereotypical of California by residents and nonresidents alike (e.g., surfers) and on groups that, though prominent in the cultural landscape of the state, remain largely unrecognized by outsiders (e.g., hicks). Extra credit question: Can you locate the isogloss designating the "101" / "The 101" line? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isogloss https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isogloss
cauliflower99 3y ago
I (currently) have the same problem! How did you learn to speak more about yourself when (if you're like me), your mind starts to shut down as soon as you start?
- zimpenfish 3y ago
  Same problem here - grew up in toxic friend, school, and social group environments where anything you revealed about yourself was almost certainly going to be weaponised against you at a later point. You pretty quickly learn to never divulge anything...
johnfn 3y ago
Yeah, this is so true. I read a lot of advice around how I should ask lots of questions etc when I was younger, and I fell into the opposite trap, which is that I never shared anything because I was letting other people do all the sharing. The real key is curiosity - do you understand their viewpoint? Really? Really really? Are you just responding to a best guess of what you think it is? But once you really do understand (and they understand that you understand) it's totally fine to talk about some anecdote about yourself if it relates.
anonzzzies 3y ago
There are different ways to talk about yourself; the one that attracts me when spoken to enough to seek friendships and relations is the one where the words 'I' and 'me' don't appear in very often. Like 'let's go to that AI meetup, gonna be great!' is an indicator that a) you like AI b) you want little ol' me (blush blush) involved. There is no boasting, no #iamthemaincharacter etc. But you are right; there is a balance, people that only ask about me and don't tell anything about themselves won't work either. Personally, the preferred route is to just quickly find common ground and go do something. Can be anything.
rendaw 3y ago
I think the balance is the conversation partner should be trying to ask more about you... it's a shared responsibility, and if they don't it equally means that they don't care about knowing more about you. If they're asking about you but you're giving minimal personal responses and redirecting the conversation back to them though, yeah. And you can drop hooks for them to ask more about even while talking about them - like "Did you have any trouble getting through Y? I had trouble with X there a couple times before" There are plenty of bad conversationalists out there though, and I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort of forcing a totally one sided conversation the other way.
JesseMReeves 3y ago
A lot of people out there do not listen to learn or share viewpoints or out of genuine interest for the other being, but to get information that they can later use against you. People with real interests (nerds) should be particularly careful when talking to most people because nerds don’t understand such intent, which is why I try to not share my interests or similar personal information when I don’t sense certain personality traits. Being shut up about yourself makes most people out there mad because they view a conversation as a “trade” and can’t expect a later dopamin fix if you don’t give them your share, but who cares.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- auggierose 3y ago
  I don't know what TotK is, or BotW (Zelda rings a bell, somehow), so she is probably right. Just own it.
  - JesseMReeves 3y ago
    It seems you did not understand what I was trying to illustrate with this example. Edit: I removed the example because it just distracts from the point.
robertlagrant 3y ago
> If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself I think there's a big middle between this and "always making conversations about yourself".

andirk 3y ago

I know your type and it's great! But yes, a connection is a dance, so if I'm getting pelted with these seemingly reasonable questions (read: "and how did that make you feel?"), they start feeling insincere.

Aromasin 3y ago
I can't tell you how many people I know who must have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" once and became parrots whose only contribution to the conversation was to ask me questions and say my name repeatedly. That does not make a good conversationalist.

slowhadoken 3y ago

There is a balance. I often tell people a funny anecdote to loosen them up and break the ice. It’s work entertaining people all night though. Back and forth is best.

plufz 3y ago

I still have this problem, I have friends but when we talk I often drift to make conversations about them. I think it is a difficult habit to get out of, and it feels awkward to say things about myself without getting an explicit question. For a long time I just thought people were rude but nowdays I understand the problem to a big part is with me. I have started to talk more about subjects that interest me since that doesnt make me feel as egocentric as straight up talking about myself. It feels like a step in the right direction…

taopai 3y ago
I had the same problem. It makes sense tot think about it in terms of space. If you never speak about yourself the other person "is taking up all the space". Speaking about yourself, or at least choosing topics proactively can improve your interaction with others. People often want to hear about you, but they prefer to hear about positive or interesting things that happen to you or what's on your mind. For example I love telling funny anecdotes, people love it and they have a great time. The key is to focus on their reaction. If they don't care about your interests or your day you'll know, and don't feel invalidated or get upset. Just change topics and have a good time.

mynameisvlad 3y ago

A big thing I’ve adopted recently is being open with my mental health with my friends (similarly, with a balance; nobody wants to be trauma bombed) which has helped a lot with both strengthening bonds and making sure my friends know when I’m not going to be at my best. Everyone deals with fucked up brains, and having people to openly talk about it with casually has both helped me deal with my own shit and get through it faster and meant we know each other on a far deeper level.

fnordpiglet 3y ago

I’ve found that people generally really enjoy talking about themselves but only if you’re truly interested and are drawing connections between yourself and them and their experiences and interests. If you’re merely pumping them for information or listening to their stories about themselves it’s not a connection building experience, it’s just setting them up to self reflect verbally to you. The key for me is people like to engage in a conversation about themselves, and that requires you to: * deeply interact with them about what they care about, challenging them m and giving them a chance to defend themselves and their beliefs in a way that is respectful and demonstrates true interest * weave yourself into the conversation bringing your experiences and thoughts into their conversation about themselves * try to learn something new from them, and be sure you articulate what you’ve learned clearly * bring new information to them about the things they care about and get their views on that information Etc It’s basically the same as any conversation that’s not a monologue, even a solicited one. They want to feel important and interesting to you, and learn about you at the same time. But in the end you can’t assume they’ll be interested in you at first, so it’s often useful to lead the way by being interested in them. If you are a person who likes to learn, this shouldn’t be hard. Just try to avoid sinking into social anxiety as best you can as that’s when things become forced and weird.

twelvechairs 3y ago
The way people approach conversation is strongly culturally ingrained. The way it was explained to me by a Brit is that he had to stop looking for "normal conversation" because Californians just "take turns talking about themselves". There's advantages and disadvantages both ways but most people are strongly biased to whatever approach they grew up with.
- DonHopkins 3y ago
  Californians just take turns talking about what turns they took to drive to where they are talking about what roads they took to get there. Every Californians Ever (Part 1 of 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCer2e0t8r8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCer2e0t8r8 Every Californians Ever (Part 2 of 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzZkaqBmH-s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzZkaqBmH-s I love how the actors have such a hard time keeping from cracking up while delivering their lines and facial expressions, because it's TOTALLY how Californians actually talk. (Except for Betty White whose performance was flawless.) Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hella!!! Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Totally!!! https://escholarship.org/uc/item/6492j904 https://escholarship.org/uc/item/6492j904 Hella Nor Cal or Totally So Cal?: The Perceptual Dialectology of California Mary Bucholtz, Nancy Bermudez, Victor Fung, Lisa Edwards and Rosalva Vargas. Journal of English Linguistics 2007; 35; 325. DOI: 10.1177/0075424207307780 >Abstract >This study provides the first detailed account of perceptual dialectology within California (as well as one of the first accounts of perceptual dialectology within any single state). Quantitative analysis of a map-labeling task carried out in Southern California reveals that California’s most salient linguistic boundary is between the northern and southern regions of the state. Whereas studies of the perceptual dialectology of the United States as a whole have focused almost exclusively on regional dialect differences, respondents associated particular regions of California less with distinctive dialects than with differences in language (English versus Spanish), slang use, and social groups. The diverse socio linguistic situation of California is reflected in the emphasis both on highly salient social groups thought to be stereotypical of California by residents and nonresidents alike (e.g., surfers) and on groups that, though prominent in the cultural landscape of the state, remain largely unrecognized by outsiders (e.g., hicks). Extra credit question: Can you locate the isogloss designating the "101" / "The 101" line? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isogloss https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isogloss

cauliflower99 3y ago

I (currently) have the same problem! How did you learn to speak more about yourself when (if you're like me), your mind starts to shut down as soon as you start?

zimpenfish 3y ago
Same problem here - grew up in toxic friend, school, and social group environments where anything you revealed about yourself was almost certainly going to be weaponised against you at a later point. You pretty quickly learn to never divulge anything...

johnfn 3y ago

Yeah, this is so true. I read a lot of advice around how I should ask lots of questions etc when I was younger, and I fell into the opposite trap, which is that I never shared anything because I was letting other people do all the sharing. The real key is curiosity - do you understand their viewpoint? Really? Really really? Are you just responding to a best guess of what you think it is? But once you really do understand (and they understand that you understand) it's totally fine to talk about some anecdote about yourself if it relates.

anonzzzies 3y ago

There are different ways to talk about yourself; the one that attracts me when spoken to enough to seek friendships and relations is the one where the words 'I' and 'me' don't appear in very often. Like 'let's go to that AI meetup, gonna be great!' is an indicator that a) you like AI b) you want little ol' me (blush blush) involved. There is no boasting, no #iamthemaincharacter etc. But you are right; there is a balance, people that only ask about me and don't tell anything about themselves won't work either. Personally, the preferred route is to just quickly find common ground and go do something. Can be anything.

rendaw 3y ago

I think the balance is the conversation partner should be trying to ask more about you... it's a shared responsibility, and if they don't it equally means that they don't care about knowing more about you. If they're asking about you but you're giving minimal personal responses and redirecting the conversation back to them though, yeah. And you can drop hooks for them to ask more about even while talking about them - like "Did you have any trouble getting through Y? I had trouble with X there a couple times before" There are plenty of bad conversationalists out there though, and I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort of forcing a totally one sided conversation the other way.

JesseMReeves 3y ago

A lot of people out there do not listen to learn or share viewpoints or out of genuine interest for the other being, but to get information that they can later use against you. People with real interests (nerds) should be particularly careful when talking to most people because nerds don’t understand such intent, which is why I try to not share my interests or similar personal information when I don’t sense certain personality traits. Being shut up about yourself makes most people out there mad because they view a conversation as a “trade” and can’t expect a later dopamin fix if you don’t give them your share, but who cares.

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
auggierose 3y ago
I don't know what TotK is, or BotW (Zelda rings a bell, somehow), so she is probably right. Just own it.
- JesseMReeves 3y ago
  It seems you did not understand what I was trying to illustrate with this example. Edit: I removed the example because it just distracts from the point.

robertlagrant 3y ago

> If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself I think there's a big middle between this and "always making conversations about yourself".