4 ms·

Why not? In what way have norms (in the USA I assume) changed that rejection in person should be a big risk?

doubled112 3y ago
Anecdotal, but all of the men I know on dating apps were the ones that would get up and go ask any woman out before. The ones afraid of rejection are still afraid of rejection.
- slothtrop 3y ago
  Probably, because they aren't mutually exclusive. Apps let you see women you don't otherwise run into through a social medium, bigger pool bigger chances.
  - TheOtherHobbes 3y ago
    Except that many of those women aren't real, and the ones who are are getting hundreds of messages a day. The opposite is true on campuses. There are now far more women than men at college. Outside of IT/engineering, the ratio is around 3:2 and very favourable to men.
    - Lacerda69 3y ago
      I was in engineering and we had 4 or 5 women and hundreds of dudes. Needless to say I was using dating apps a lot in that time. I always pushed to meet in person early instead of weeks of chatting. Far easier to fight out if there is chemistry and you can continue chatting after (if it goes well ofc)
      - doubled112 3y ago
        That sounds about right. The computer systems technology program had around 300 people when I started it, and 3 of them were women. By the time we all graduated there were zero. A few of us tried to game the system by choosing electives like "The Mating Game" but to no avail.
    - slothtrop 3y ago
      Many isn't a number. There's not much incentive to "fake" being a woman except to bait for payments without ever even meeting, so the pool is smaller than you project. The other incentive is on the part of the app owners who want to create the illusion of high membership, but I've only heard of this for Ashley Madison or the like. THere are plenty of women on Tinder, OKC, etc. Yes they get more messages, they also filter and ignore many. That doesn't mean you can't land a date. There's a difference between guys who chase after absolutely everyone and guys who show more genuine interest in a person, and that comes through in the communication. You're also preaching to the choir on college, I think the opportunity should be exploited to meet people in person, that doesn't mean online dating is rendered redundant.
sidlls 3y ago
The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. There are a ton more unwritten/unspoken rules about this now, it seems, than even a decade or two ago. Rules about when/where it's okay to hit on someone, what is permissible to say, etc. And these rules seem to change from person to person: so one never knows what they actually are.
- slothtrop 3y ago
  > The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. That can still happen using an app. You just won't be standing there to see it. Speaking of which, why would one even ask a girl in front of their friends if one can't handle the inevitable giggling? If you see them often enough to spark your interest, then you'll find a better opportunity to ask then to make a show of it.
  - sidlls 3y ago
    I agree with you on that point about the gigles, as that's always (in my lifetime) been a risk. It's the other stuff--the "canceling" effect of social media posts--that has changed things. Risking laughter from the person of interest or their friends is one thing; risking a potentially life-changing social media blitz is entirely different.
    - slothtrop 3y ago
      I'm not sure what you mean exactly, that asking someone out on a date poses the risk of being "cancelled" for it? That doesn't make much sense to me, but one way to avoid such a ridiculous reaction is to suss out whether the girl you're interested is batshit insane. I've never solicited a complete stranger except at a bar. Basically every time I've gone on a date with someone I've met out-in-the-world, I had the chance to talk to them about something then ask if they want coffee, or whatever. On campus you eventually get this opportunity through colleagues. You make a few friends and then have friends, and if you show up to stuff the chances are always there. I think a lot of anxiety comes from the idea that one is meant to confront people on-sight at inappropriate moments. One shouldn't do that, nor is it even necessary to be successful.

Anecdotal, but all of the men I know on dating apps were the ones that would get up and go ask any woman out before. The ones afraid of rejection are still afraid of rejection.

slothtrop 3y ago
Probably, because they aren't mutually exclusive. Apps let you see women you don't otherwise run into through a social medium, bigger pool bigger chances.
- TheOtherHobbes 3y ago
  Except that many of those women aren't real, and the ones who are are getting hundreds of messages a day. The opposite is true on campuses. There are now far more women than men at college. Outside of IT/engineering, the ratio is around 3:2 and very favourable to men.
  - Lacerda69 3y ago
    I was in engineering and we had 4 or 5 women and hundreds of dudes. Needless to say I was using dating apps a lot in that time. I always pushed to meet in person early instead of weeks of chatting. Far easier to fight out if there is chemistry and you can continue chatting after (if it goes well ofc)
    - doubled112 3y ago
      That sounds about right. The computer systems technology program had around 300 people when I started it, and 3 of them were women. By the time we all graduated there were zero. A few of us tried to game the system by choosing electives like "The Mating Game" but to no avail.
  - slothtrop 3y ago
    Many isn't a number. There's not much incentive to "fake" being a woman except to bait for payments without ever even meeting, so the pool is smaller than you project. The other incentive is on the part of the app owners who want to create the illusion of high membership, but I've only heard of this for Ashley Madison or the like. THere are plenty of women on Tinder, OKC, etc. Yes they get more messages, they also filter and ignore many. That doesn't mean you can't land a date. There's a difference between guys who chase after absolutely everyone and guys who show more genuine interest in a person, and that comes through in the communication. You're also preaching to the choir on college, I think the opportunity should be exploited to meet people in person, that doesn't mean online dating is rendered redundant.

sidlls 3y ago

The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. There are a ton more unwritten/unspoken rules about this now, it seems, than even a decade or two ago. Rules about when/where it's okay to hit on someone, what is permissible to say, etc. And these rules seem to change from person to person: so one never knows what they actually are.

slothtrop 3y ago
> The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. That can still happen using an app. You just won't be standing there to see it. Speaking of which, why would one even ask a girl in front of their friends if one can't handle the inevitable giggling? If you see them often enough to spark your interest, then you'll find a better opportunity to ask then to make a show of it.
- sidlls 3y ago
  I agree with you on that point about the gigles, as that's always (in my lifetime) been a risk. It's the other stuff--the "canceling" effect of social media posts--that has changed things. Risking laughter from the person of interest or their friends is one thing; risking a potentially life-changing social media blitz is entirely different.
  - slothtrop 3y ago
    I'm not sure what you mean exactly, that asking someone out on a date poses the risk of being "cancelled" for it? That doesn't make much sense to me, but one way to avoid such a ridiculous reaction is to suss out whether the girl you're interested is batshit insane. I've never solicited a complete stranger except at a bar. Basically every time I've gone on a date with someone I've met out-in-the-world, I had the chance to talk to them about something then ask if they want coffee, or whatever. On campus you eventually get this opportunity through colleagues. You make a few friends and then have friends, and if you show up to stuff the chances are always there. I think a lot of anxiety comes from the idea that one is meant to confront people on-sight at inappropriate moments. One shouldn't do that, nor is it even necessary to be successful.