4 ms·

I'm not even sure why college students would need dating apps. You are in a relatively dense environment surrounded by people your own age, in a similar phase o

I'm not even sure why college students would need dating apps. You are in a relatively dense environment surrounded by people your own age, in a similar phase of life. You have to actively work not to meet people you want to date.

siva7 3y ago
>> You have to actively work not to meet people you want to date. Societal norms have changed. Why risk rejection in person?
- Lacerda69 3y ago
  Why not? In what way have norms (in the USA I assume) changed that rejection in person should be a big risk?
  - doubled112 3y ago
    Anecdotal, but all of the men I know on dating apps were the ones that would get up and go ask any woman out before. The ones afraid of rejection are still afraid of rejection.
    - slothtrop 3y ago
      Probably, because they aren't mutually exclusive. Apps let you see women you don't otherwise run into through a social medium, bigger pool bigger chances.
      - TheOtherHobbes 3y ago
        Except that many of those women aren't real, and the ones who are are getting hundreds of messages a day. The opposite is true on campuses. There are now far more women than men at college. Outside of IT/engineering, the ratio is around 3:2 and very favourable to men.
        Lacerda69 3y ago
        I was in engineering and we had 4 or 5 women and hundreds of dudes. Needless to say I was using dating apps a lot in that time. I always pushed to meet in person early instead of weeks of chatting. Far easier to fight out if there is chemistry and you can continue chatting after (if it goes well ofc)
        doubled112 3y ago
        That sounds about right. The computer systems technology program had around 300 people when I started it, and 3 of them were women. By the time we all graduated there were zero. A few of us tried to game the system by choosing electives like "The Mating Game" but to no avail.
        slothtrop 3y ago
        Many isn't a number. There's not much incentive to "fake" being a woman except to bait for payments without ever even meeting, so the pool is smaller than you project. The other incentive is on the part of the app owners who want to create the illusion of high membership, but I've only heard of this for Ashley Madison or the like. THere are plenty of women on Tinder, OKC, etc. Yes they get more messages, they also filter and ignore many. That doesn't mean you can't land a date. There's a difference between guys who chase after absolutely everyone and guys who show more genuine interest in a person, and that comes through in the communication. You're also preaching to the choir on college, I think the opportunity should be exploited to meet people in person, that doesn't mean online dating is rendered redundant.
  - sidlls 3y ago
    The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. There are a ton more unwritten/unspoken rules about this now, it seems, than even a decade or two ago. Rules about when/where it's okay to hit on someone, what is permissible to say, etc. And these rules seem to change from person to person: so one never knows what they actually are.
    - slothtrop 3y ago
      > The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. That can still happen using an app. You just won't be standing there to see it. Speaking of which, why would one even ask a girl in front of their friends if one can't handle the inevitable giggling? If you see them often enough to spark your interest, then you'll find a better opportunity to ask then to make a show of it.
      - sidlls 3y ago
        I agree with you on that point about the gigles, as that's always (in my lifetime) been a risk. It's the other stuff--the "canceling" effect of social media posts--that has changed things. Risking laughter from the person of interest or their friends is one thing; risking a potentially life-changing social media blitz is entirely different.
        slothtrop 3y ago
        I'm not sure what you mean exactly, that asking someone out on a date poses the risk of being "cancelled" for it? That doesn't make much sense to me, but one way to avoid such a ridiculous reaction is to suss out whether the girl you're interested is batshit insane. I've never solicited a complete stranger except at a bar. Basically every time I've gone on a date with someone I've met out-in-the-world, I had the chance to talk to them about something then ask if they want coffee, or whatever. On campus you eventually get this opportunity through colleagues. You make a few friends and then have friends, and if you show up to stuff the chances are always there. I think a lot of anxiety comes from the idea that one is meant to confront people on-sight at inappropriate moments. One shouldn't do that, nor is it even necessary to be successful.
- slothtrop 3y ago
  That risk doesn't go away with dating apps, and with the initial question popping there's nothing at stake that is any more vulnerable in person.
francisofascii 3y ago
> You have to actively work not to meet people you want to date. Meeting people you want to date is one thing. Meeting people who ALSO want to date you back is the elusive part.
- slothtrop 3y ago
  Comparatively, but women outnumber men in college, many will be single. If you aren't repellent and aren't dating outside your league then it's a numbers game, a matter of time.
- Ajay-p 3y ago
  I think there is also a stigma and fear associated with approaching someone today. No one wants to be seen as a creep or to find themselves on social media branded as one. This frightens me very much. https://xkcd.com/642/ https://xkcd.com/642/
  - true_religion 3y ago
    I don’t think there is anything stopping people from talking to other students while drunk at parties as was traditional in my… and all other days. However, talking doesn’t have to lead to dating. It can just lead to hanging out platonically in large groups, then hooking up casually.
    - nateb2022 3y ago
      > I don’t think there is anything stopping people from talking to other students while drunk at parties Usually the music is so loud that you have to scream into someone's ear to be heard. Also a girl with her friends who is approached by a random guy will usually say no simply because she doesn't want to be perceived as easy.
saiya-jin 3y ago
My faculty back in 2004 had exactly 1 woman, out of 120 graduates. I am sure things in IT got better, but lets not act like everything is equal, since nothing really is
- TMWNN 3y ago
  >My faculty back in 2004 had exactly 1 woman, out of 120 graduates. I have heard that this is why the Milwaukee School of Engineering opened a nursing school; to bring women to a very men-heavy university.
yieldcrv 3y ago
need there are some really out of touch takes here. dating apps haven't been about necessity for 10 years, that's exactly why the stigma of using an online matchmaker disintegrated. people are moving away from them because they don't work well enough to justify the time and cost, and the negative effects on confidence are now known enough that thinly veiled digs at the user complaining about them don't work either. so because bad experiences aren't invalidated anymore, and the bad experience can be quantified, people are opting out entirely. more literature on this topic - ‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/28/its-quite-soul-destroying-how-we-fell-out-of-love-with-dating-apps https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/28/its-qui...
alanbernstein 3y ago
https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Gender-Proportions-Across-College-Majors_tbl1_225270227 https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Gender-Proportions-Acros...
bnralt 3y ago
College kids are constantly spending a good deal of time trying to meet people to date. I’m not sure why getting dressed up and spending an entire night at a dance/mixer/bar trying to meet someone is understandable, but spending 5 minutes swiping left or right trying to meet someone is considered superfluous.

siva7 3y ago

>> You have to actively work not to meet people you want to date. Societal norms have changed. Why risk rejection in person?

Lacerda69 3y ago
Why not? In what way have norms (in the USA I assume) changed that rejection in person should be a big risk?
- doubled112 3y ago
  Anecdotal, but all of the men I know on dating apps were the ones that would get up and go ask any woman out before. The ones afraid of rejection are still afraid of rejection.
  - slothtrop 3y ago
    Probably, because they aren't mutually exclusive. Apps let you see women you don't otherwise run into through a social medium, bigger pool bigger chances.
    - TheOtherHobbes 3y ago
      Except that many of those women aren't real, and the ones who are are getting hundreds of messages a day. The opposite is true on campuses. There are now far more women than men at college. Outside of IT/engineering, the ratio is around 3:2 and very favourable to men.
      - Lacerda69 3y ago
        I was in engineering and we had 4 or 5 women and hundreds of dudes. Needless to say I was using dating apps a lot in that time. I always pushed to meet in person early instead of weeks of chatting. Far easier to fight out if there is chemistry and you can continue chatting after (if it goes well ofc)
        doubled112 3y ago
        That sounds about right. The computer systems technology program had around 300 people when I started it, and 3 of them were women. By the time we all graduated there were zero. A few of us tried to game the system by choosing electives like "The Mating Game" but to no avail.
      - slothtrop 3y ago
        Many isn't a number. There's not much incentive to "fake" being a woman except to bait for payments without ever even meeting, so the pool is smaller than you project. The other incentive is on the part of the app owners who want to create the illusion of high membership, but I've only heard of this for Ashley Madison or the like. THere are plenty of women on Tinder, OKC, etc. Yes they get more messages, they also filter and ignore many. That doesn't mean you can't land a date. There's a difference between guys who chase after absolutely everyone and guys who show more genuine interest in a person, and that comes through in the communication. You're also preaching to the choir on college, I think the opportunity should be exploited to meet people in person, that doesn't mean online dating is rendered redundant.
- sidlls 3y ago
  The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. There are a ton more unwritten/unspoken rules about this now, it seems, than even a decade or two ago. Rules about when/where it's okay to hit on someone, what is permissible to say, etc. And these rules seem to change from person to person: so one never knows what they actually are.
  - slothtrop 3y ago
    > The character/modes of rejection have gone from maybe mortifying titters/giggles amongst the friends of the person being hit on to the potential of literally having one's shame splayed across the internet for all to see. Perhaps with embellishments about how creepy or clueless they were, etc. That can still happen using an app. You just won't be standing there to see it. Speaking of which, why would one even ask a girl in front of their friends if one can't handle the inevitable giggling? If you see them often enough to spark your interest, then you'll find a better opportunity to ask then to make a show of it.
    - sidlls 3y ago
      I agree with you on that point about the gigles, as that's always (in my lifetime) been a risk. It's the other stuff--the "canceling" effect of social media posts--that has changed things. Risking laughter from the person of interest or their friends is one thing; risking a potentially life-changing social media blitz is entirely different.
      - slothtrop 3y ago
        I'm not sure what you mean exactly, that asking someone out on a date poses the risk of being "cancelled" for it? That doesn't make much sense to me, but one way to avoid such a ridiculous reaction is to suss out whether the girl you're interested is batshit insane. I've never solicited a complete stranger except at a bar. Basically every time I've gone on a date with someone I've met out-in-the-world, I had the chance to talk to them about something then ask if they want coffee, or whatever. On campus you eventually get this opportunity through colleagues. You make a few friends and then have friends, and if you show up to stuff the chances are always there. I think a lot of anxiety comes from the idea that one is meant to confront people on-sight at inappropriate moments. One shouldn't do that, nor is it even necessary to be successful.
slothtrop 3y ago
That risk doesn't go away with dating apps, and with the initial question popping there's nothing at stake that is any more vulnerable in person.

francisofascii 3y ago

> You have to actively work not to meet people you want to date. Meeting people you want to date is one thing. Meeting people who ALSO want to date you back is the elusive part.

slothtrop 3y ago
Comparatively, but women outnumber men in college, many will be single. If you aren't repellent and aren't dating outside your league then it's a numbers game, a matter of time.
Ajay-p 3y ago
I think there is also a stigma and fear associated with approaching someone today. No one wants to be seen as a creep or to find themselves on social media branded as one. This frightens me very much. https://xkcd.com/642/ https://xkcd.com/642/
- true_religion 3y ago
  I don’t think there is anything stopping people from talking to other students while drunk at parties as was traditional in my… and all other days. However, talking doesn’t have to lead to dating. It can just lead to hanging out platonically in large groups, then hooking up casually.
  - nateb2022 3y ago
    > I don’t think there is anything stopping people from talking to other students while drunk at parties Usually the music is so loud that you have to scream into someone's ear to be heard. Also a girl with her friends who is approached by a random guy will usually say no simply because she doesn't want to be perceived as easy.

saiya-jin 3y ago

My faculty back in 2004 had exactly 1 woman, out of 120 graduates. I am sure things in IT got better, but lets not act like everything is equal, since nothing really is

TMWNN 3y ago
>My faculty back in 2004 had exactly 1 woman, out of 120 graduates. I have heard that this is why the Milwaukee School of Engineering opened a nursing school; to bring women to a very men-heavy university.

yieldcrv 3y ago

need there are some really out of touch takes here. dating apps haven't been about necessity for 10 years, that's exactly why the stigma of using an online matchmaker disintegrated. people are moving away from them because they don't work well enough to justify the time and cost, and the negative effects on confidence are now known enough that thinly veiled digs at the user complaining about them don't work either. so because bad experiences aren't invalidated anymore, and the bad experience can be quantified, people are opting out entirely. more literature on this topic - ‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/28/its-quite-soul-destroying-how-we-fell-out-of-love-with-dating-apps https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/28/its-qui...

alanbernstein 3y ago

https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Gender-Proportions-Across-College-Majors_tbl1_225270227 https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Gender-Proportions-Acros...

bnralt 3y ago

College kids are constantly spending a good deal of time trying to meet people to date. I’m not sure why getting dressed up and spending an entire night at a dance/mixer/bar trying to meet someone is understandable, but spending 5 minutes swiping left or right trying to meet someone is considered superfluous.