This doesn't even look like a failure to fully optimize on a utilitarian basis when you begin to account for the psychology damage done to persons when their ex

This doesn't even look like a failure to fully optimize on a utilitarian basis when you begin to account for the psychology damage done to persons when their expectations, desires, and happiness are sacrificed for non-proximal greater goods. People you love need your love. If you don't give it to them -- and sometimes the means of expressing affection is material, like gifts -- then they suffer. And if they suffer out of principle and that principle is universally applied, then you've created a whole lot of tragic, self-perpetuating suffering. That does the world no good and it's arguably worse than passively allowing for the death of someone or many someones that you'll never meet. The reason being is that if you perpetuate suffering in your children or your loved ones, they have a good chance of become either monsters or crippled. Either way, they will be poor custodians of the future.