3 ms·

Thank you, that was very insightful. I imagine your feeling of not imagining your life without kids, irrespective of 1 or 5, is how everyone adjusts in the end.

by dottjt 3y ago

Thank you, that was very insightful. I imagine your feeling of not imagining your life without kids, irrespective of 1 or 5, is how everyone adjusts in the end. Another question I have (if you have the time) is did things become more difficult the more children you have, and how so? Also, did they get more difficult as time went along, or easier? Or is it just somehow a different kind of difficulty? I think that's my hesitation of having more than one child (I only have a 1 and a half month old, so still very early days) is that if I have a 2nd child 2 years from now based on the idea that it's easy because they're young, but when they're older might be a much larger commitment than I can imagine (driving them places, helping with homework etc.)

xyzzy123 3y ago
It did get more difficult (for me at least) with 2 & 3. There are some economies of scale - you kind of establish the life infrastructure to have space for kids at #1, so there are morning routines, night time routines, you have clothes to hand down, care arrangements, car seat(s) etc. Barring special challenges each one is not 100% more effort. Also I think parenting (like most things) improves with practice so it felt like that got easier. What I did feel was that 2+ was more "strain" - any existing relationship problems or issues (and esp. around time...) were exacerbated. If you are feeling e.g. time stress with 1 you will probably feel more with 2 and so on. For me it is something I still have to keep communicating / negotiating / working on. Re: commitment - there's only so much attention / parental investment you will be able to give. Each child will almost certainly get less of it individually if you have more kids, whether that is play, homework help, money, driving around, or just plain paying attention to them. I tried to give as much as I was able to one and had to divide it up when we had more. Eldest was not super pleased to have siblings / have to share parents so lots of adjustment required there. They're all obsessed with "fairness" and closely monitor everything to make sure they are "getting their share" :). There is a whole set of extra dynamics to manage. I do think it's gotten easier (for now). For me personally the toddler years have been the most difficult, an absolutely burning need for attention, SO many questions, absolutely no boundaries. School age and up has been easier for me (so far..). Baby times are just a haze now. The tradeoff for less parent availability is that they get to learn different things from each other. It drives me crazy when they squabble but it's learning in action, and when they get along it's pure magic. I think our family could have been "complete" with one. The increased chaos and emergent behaviours of N is great too, just different. Thanks for the questions, I got a lot out of taking time to reflect on them.
- dottjt 3y ago
  Thank you for taking the time. I can only imagine what your life is like, however in a weird way, what you're doing seems incredibly brave/courageous to me. Like you've entered some kind of frontier that few would dare enter in modern 2023. Which is funny, because a few generations back having 3 kids would have been considered average, if not underwhelming compared to the average. I wish you all the best. From one father to another.

by dottjt 3y ago

xyzzy123 3y ago

It did get more difficult (for me at least) with 2 & 3. There are some economies of scale - you kind of establish the life infrastructure to have space for kids at #1, so there are morning routines, night time routines, you have clothes to hand down, care arrangements, car seat(s) etc. Barring special challenges each one is not 100% more effort. Also I think parenting (like most things) improves with practice so it felt like that got easier. What I did feel was that 2+ was more "strain" - any existing relationship problems or issues (and esp. around time...) were exacerbated. If you are feeling e.g. time stress with 1 you will probably feel more with 2 and so on. For me it is something I still have to keep communicating / negotiating / working on. Re: commitment - there's only so much attention / parental investment you will be able to give. Each child will almost certainly get less of it individually if you have more kids, whether that is play, homework help, money, driving around, or just plain paying attention to them. I tried to give as much as I was able to one and had to divide it up when we had more. Eldest was not super pleased to have siblings / have to share parents so lots of adjustment required there. They're all obsessed with "fairness" and closely monitor everything to make sure they are "getting their share" :). There is a whole set of extra dynamics to manage. I do think it's gotten easier (for now). For me personally the toddler years have been the most difficult, an absolutely burning need for attention, SO many questions, absolutely no boundaries. School age and up has been easier for me (so far..). Baby times are just a haze now. The tradeoff for less parent availability is that they get to learn different things from each other. It drives me crazy when they squabble but it's learning in action, and when they get along it's pure magic. I think our family could have been "complete" with one. The increased chaos and emergent behaviours of N is great too, just different. Thanks for the questions, I got a lot out of taking time to reflect on them.

dottjt 3y ago
Thank you for taking the time. I can only imagine what your life is like, however in a weird way, what you're doing seems incredibly brave/courageous to me. Like you've entered some kind of frontier that few would dare enter in modern 2023. Which is funny, because a few generations back having 3 kids would have been considered average, if not underwhelming compared to the average. I wish you all the best. From one father to another.