4 ms·

A question I have is why did you have more kids in-spite of this? How did you justify the struggle, or rather did you have no choice but to justify the struggle

by dottjt 3y ago

A question I have is why did you have more kids in-spite of this? How did you justify the struggle, or rather did you have no choice but to justify the struggle? Would you have preferred in retrospect to have less children, if had to be really honest with yourself? Or do you think you made the right decision?

xyzzy123 3y ago
It's a great question. When I thought of my "ideal" future I always imagined a family in it. I didn't really know how or if would happen for me, but I was always open to the possibility and tried to nudge my life down paths that could make it happen. I really had no idea how difficult it would be for me as an introvert / spectrum adjacent. I was never particularly reflective or insightful about my own needs for space, time and agency because these things had never been in short supply in my life before. I thought I had an idea of what it would be like - but I was a long way off. Partly I think this is because expectations of fathers today are very different to what I grew up with and what was modelled by my dad & stepdad. On a day-to-day basis the "responsibility" side feels a lot like running a small business with your partner that provides childcare, education, housing, cleaning services, meals, entertainment etc. Your time is not your own, any commitment you make tends to be binding on your partner as well (because you are committing them to keeping "the business" running during that time) and vice-versa. My partner is the kind of person who lives by what is filled in in the calendar, to her the "blank spaces" are waste, she will try to fill every day with appointments and commitments. For me, the "filled in" slots in my calendar are only for things I can't avoid and my life happens in the "blank spaces". That's been the biggest source of conflict in our relationship and it's required a lot of negotiation and adjustment for both of us. It surprised both of us how incompatible we were in this aspect because our time never came under such pressure before kids. Why did we keep having more? There's a weird amnesia that can happen a couple of years after you have a baby, where if things are going ok, you sort of mentally blank out the difficulties... I think some degree of struggle is part of the whole thing for almost everyone, for me there was just a lot of psychological adjustment that needed to happen to be a functional parent. Now I find it hard to even imagine "me without kids at this age" anymore. My life isn't what I expected it would be - it's more complicated - but I regret nothing. I feel really grateful the kids are part of my life.
- dottjt 3y ago
  Thank you, that was very insightful. I imagine your feeling of not imagining your life without kids, irrespective of 1 or 5, is how everyone adjusts in the end. Another question I have (if you have the time) is did things become more difficult the more children you have, and how so? Also, did they get more difficult as time went along, or easier? Or is it just somehow a different kind of difficulty? I think that's my hesitation of having more than one child (I only have a 1 and a half month old, so still very early days) is that if I have a 2nd child 2 years from now based on the idea that it's easy because they're young, but when they're older might be a much larger commitment than I can imagine (driving them places, helping with homework etc.)
  - xyzzy123 3y ago
    It did get more difficult (for me at least) with 2 & 3. There are some economies of scale - you kind of establish the life infrastructure to have space for kids at #1, so there are morning routines, night time routines, you have clothes to hand down, care arrangements, car seat(s) etc. Barring special challenges each one is not 100% more effort. Also I think parenting (like most things) improves with practice so it felt like that got easier. What I did feel was that 2+ was more "strain" - any existing relationship problems or issues (and esp. around time...) were exacerbated. If you are feeling e.g. time stress with 1 you will probably feel more with 2 and so on. For me it is something I still have to keep communicating / negotiating / working on. Re: commitment - there's only so much attention / parental investment you will be able to give. Each child will almost certainly get less of it individually if you have more kids, whether that is play, homework help, money, driving around, or just plain paying attention to them. I tried to give as much as I was able to one and had to divide it up when we had more. Eldest was not super pleased to have siblings / have to share parents so lots of adjustment required there. They're all obsessed with "fairness" and closely monitor everything to make sure they are "getting their share" :). There is a whole set of extra dynamics to manage. I do think it's gotten easier (for now). For me personally the toddler years have been the most difficult, an absolutely burning need for attention, SO many questions, absolutely no boundaries. School age and up has been easier for me (so far..). Baby times are just a haze now. The tradeoff for less parent availability is that they get to learn different things from each other. It drives me crazy when they squabble but it's learning in action, and when they get along it's pure magic. I think our family could have been "complete" with one. The increased chaos and emergent behaviours of N is great too, just different. Thanks for the questions, I got a lot out of taking time to reflect on them.

by dottjt 3y ago

xyzzy123 3y ago

It's a great question. When I thought of my "ideal" future I always imagined a family in it. I didn't really know how or if would happen for me, but I was always open to the possibility and tried to nudge my life down paths that could make it happen. I really had no idea how difficult it would be for me as an introvert / spectrum adjacent. I was never particularly reflective or insightful about my own needs for space, time and agency because these things had never been in short supply in my life before. I thought I had an idea of what it would be like - but I was a long way off. Partly I think this is because expectations of fathers today are very different to what I grew up with and what was modelled by my dad & stepdad. On a day-to-day basis the "responsibility" side feels a lot like running a small business with your partner that provides childcare, education, housing, cleaning services, meals, entertainment etc. Your time is not your own, any commitment you make tends to be binding on your partner as well (because you are committing them to keeping "the business" running during that time) and vice-versa. My partner is the kind of person who lives by what is filled in in the calendar, to her the "blank spaces" are waste, she will try to fill every day with appointments and commitments. For me, the "filled in" slots in my calendar are only for things I can't avoid and my life happens in the "blank spaces". That's been the biggest source of conflict in our relationship and it's required a lot of negotiation and adjustment for both of us. It surprised both of us how incompatible we were in this aspect because our time never came under such pressure before kids. Why did we keep having more? There's a weird amnesia that can happen a couple of years after you have a baby, where if things are going ok, you sort of mentally blank out the difficulties... I think some degree of struggle is part of the whole thing for almost everyone, for me there was just a lot of psychological adjustment that needed to happen to be a functional parent. Now I find it hard to even imagine "me without kids at this age" anymore. My life isn't what I expected it would be - it's more complicated - but I regret nothing. I feel really grateful the kids are part of my life.

dottjt 3y ago
Thank you, that was very insightful. I imagine your feeling of not imagining your life without kids, irrespective of 1 or 5, is how everyone adjusts in the end. Another question I have (if you have the time) is did things become more difficult the more children you have, and how so? Also, did they get more difficult as time went along, or easier? Or is it just somehow a different kind of difficulty? I think that's my hesitation of having more than one child (I only have a 1 and a half month old, so still very early days) is that if I have a 2nd child 2 years from now based on the idea that it's easy because they're young, but when they're older might be a much larger commitment than I can imagine (driving them places, helping with homework etc.)
- xyzzy123 3y ago
  It did get more difficult (for me at least) with 2 & 3. There are some economies of scale - you kind of establish the life infrastructure to have space for kids at #1, so there are morning routines, night time routines, you have clothes to hand down, care arrangements, car seat(s) etc. Barring special challenges each one is not 100% more effort. Also I think parenting (like most things) improves with practice so it felt like that got easier. What I did feel was that 2+ was more "strain" - any existing relationship problems or issues (and esp. around time...) were exacerbated. If you are feeling e.g. time stress with 1 you will probably feel more with 2 and so on. For me it is something I still have to keep communicating / negotiating / working on. Re: commitment - there's only so much attention / parental investment you will be able to give. Each child will almost certainly get less of it individually if you have more kids, whether that is play, homework help, money, driving around, or just plain paying attention to them. I tried to give as much as I was able to one and had to divide it up when we had more. Eldest was not super pleased to have siblings / have to share parents so lots of adjustment required there. They're all obsessed with "fairness" and closely monitor everything to make sure they are "getting their share" :). There is a whole set of extra dynamics to manage. I do think it's gotten easier (for now). For me personally the toddler years have been the most difficult, an absolutely burning need for attention, SO many questions, absolutely no boundaries. School age and up has been easier for me (so far..). Baby times are just a haze now. The tradeoff for less parent availability is that they get to learn different things from each other. It drives me crazy when they squabble but it's learning in action, and when they get along it's pure magic. I think our family could have been "complete" with one. The increased chaos and emergent behaviours of N is great too, just different. Thanks for the questions, I got a lot out of taking time to reflect on them.