4 ms·

I’ve had the experience of being a neurotypical partnered to someone with (well concealed) asd. That experience has left me instinctively wincing at the notion

I’ve had the experience of being a neurotypical partnered to someone with (well concealed) asd. That experience has left me instinctively wincing at the notions of integrity and authenticity. I now associate them with interpersonal and legal conflicts, professional upheaval, inappropriate “real talk”, putting out one fire after another. And every fire is accompanied by, “yes you were in the right, but tact, but choose your battles, but can we really afford the consequences?” I was always the one who was unprincipled, and exhausted.

JohnBooty 3y ago
Yeah. I sometimes feel like those with ASD seemingly feel that they shouldn’t have to give a crap about others at all, since empathy is hard for them. It’s at least as toxic and harmful as neurotypicals expecting those on the ASD to magically “get it” and confirm to neurotypical expectations.
- DoreenMichele 3y ago
  As a parent of two now adult special-needs kids: Most neurotypical people don't really care either and are frequently extremely abusive as a group to anyone different, a la Mean Girls. The best thing I did to prevent my kids from turning into awful people was pulled them out of school so they could not be roundly abused by dozens of people daily and blamed for it because of "being weird." Superficial empathy and actually being good and kind are not the same thing and plenty of people who can perform superficial empathy are horrible people who use their social skills abusively.
- pseudalopex 3y ago
  Empathy isn't hard for autistic people. Understanding allistic people is. As it is hard for you to understand them.[1] [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_empathy_problem https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_empathy_problem
  - JohnBooty 3y ago
    Well, I certainly support the idea of the autistic as differently-abled rather than fundamentally broken, and I think there's just a shortage of empathy in general.
h0l0cube 3y ago
I think marital conflict of this intensity arises in absence of ASD too. And the usual caution goes when speaking about ASD, the individual differences are great. Even though many ASD find conforming antithetical to their will, there are also many high-maskers who make a sport of conforming. Many unwittingly as a survival instinct. Underneath, they're treading water. > And every fire is accompanied by, “yes you were in the right, but tact, but choose your battles, but can we really afford the consequences?” From as much as I've witnessed, this is a feature (and common plaint) of many relationships.

JohnBooty 3y ago

Yeah. I sometimes feel like those with ASD seemingly feel that they shouldn’t have to give a crap about others at all, since empathy is hard for them. It’s at least as toxic and harmful as neurotypicals expecting those on the ASD to magically “get it” and confirm to neurotypical expectations.

DoreenMichele 3y ago
As a parent of two now adult special-needs kids: Most neurotypical people don't really care either and are frequently extremely abusive as a group to anyone different, a la Mean Girls. The best thing I did to prevent my kids from turning into awful people was pulled them out of school so they could not be roundly abused by dozens of people daily and blamed for it because of "being weird." Superficial empathy and actually being good and kind are not the same thing and plenty of people who can perform superficial empathy are horrible people who use their social skills abusively.
pseudalopex 3y ago
Empathy isn't hard for autistic people. Understanding allistic people is. As it is hard for you to understand them.[1] [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_empathy_problem https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_empathy_problem
- JohnBooty 3y ago
  Well, I certainly support the idea of the autistic as differently-abled rather than fundamentally broken, and I think there's just a shortage of empathy in general.

h0l0cube 3y ago

I think marital conflict of this intensity arises in absence of ASD too. And the usual caution goes when speaking about ASD, the individual differences are great. Even though many ASD find conforming antithetical to their will, there are also many high-maskers who make a sport of conforming. Many unwittingly as a survival instinct. Underneath, they're treading water. > And every fire is accompanied by, “yes you were in the right, but tact, but choose your battles, but can we really afford the consequences?” From as much as I've witnessed, this is a feature (and common plaint) of many relationships.