3 ms·

> Then when we all went out for drinks at the end of the week, I chatted as I normally would but I felt like the new boss kept shutting down my stories to get a

by neilv 3y ago

> Then when we all went out for drinks at the end of the week, I chatted as I normally would but I felt like the new boss kept shutting down my stories to get a laugh from the others. If that's an accurate characterization (and your stories weren't tone deaf, or going on too long, or something), then the new boss might have already decided to put you into an "other" group, and was using that to try to build rapport with a different group, in a juvenile cliques kind of way. I've seen execs doing things like this. In one example, at a team-building dinner, where I suspected that the exec had already decided they didn't like one of the shy/nerdy engineers there, as the engineer was walking away from the table, the exec made a crude sexual comment to the table about the person's figure. (I don't know why the exec thought that a table of diverse engineers would go for that kind of locker room 'camaraderie', nor why the exec would expose themself and the company in an open&shut case way like that, except maybe they didn't think that through.) If you imagine that people will sometimes revert to grade school or high school, some behavior makes a lot more sense. Also, alcohol at company events is risky.

Ographer 3y ago
I think you're right. I left out some context which is that this was a conservative oil company and I was a liberal city slicker environmentalist who hates oil but was willing to put up with it for a few years for the paycheck. My boss was the tough ex-military country guy, and my co-workers were somewhere in between - nerdy engineers, but more country types. When out for beers, he said his wife does horseback barrel racing and I said I used to do that as a kid and it's a cool sport. He just replied, "Hah, I find that hard to picture" and got some chuckles from the other guys before changing the subject, not following up to learn more. He asked what our favorite movies were and everyone received approval except when I said A Clockwork Orange, he said that was weird. I was already masking HARD to fit in at this company. Another coworker had already outted me as an atheist as a joke at a weekly meeting. I didn't find that funny, my boss's boss in the room had previously invited me to his church as had another coworker. I used to like this job under my old boss. Now it hurt and I didn't want to be there anymore, but the paycheck was so good I knew I'd never earn that much again in my whole life. Once I started hating my boss, I may have been "silent quitting" without realizing it. I blame him and he blames me, I don't know.
- lawlessone 3y ago
  NGL If that was my favorite movie I'd never tell anyone.
  - Ographer 3y ago
    In hindsight I should have lied but I was constantly 'masking' in this job, pretending to be someone I wasn't, I just wanted to get beers and try to get to know each other. Just because I'm different doesn't mean they had to treat me like that. The film has awful things in it but that's kind of the point, and there is a deeper meaning! I read the book in highschool and found it thought provoking. The movie is by Stanley Kubrick, has fantastic cinematography, and is on many lists of best movies of all time, so I thought it was mainstream pop culture. Sorry if I'm just over sharing now.
  - timetraveller26 3y ago
    That's the thing with autism, they're people that don't adhere to boring social conventions.
- neilv 3y ago
  It wasn't OK for that boss to be dissing you. I'm glad you're out of that situation, but it shouldn't have happened. If no one spoke up for you in the moment, I hope they came to you afterwards with support, and/or spoke with the boss, other managers, or HR on your behalf. I suspect it wasn't so much a country-towards-city thing, though, but an individual being jerky. You'll find plenty of country people who are neighborly and welcoming, follow the best of Christian charity teachings, etc. Jerky non-inclusiveness in companies also often happens city-towards-country, one-ethnicity/caste-towards-another, one-gender-towards-another, rich-kid-careerist-towards-traditional-nerd, one-school-alumni-towards-others, etc.

by neilv 3y ago

Ographer 3y ago

I think you're right. I left out some context which is that this was a conservative oil company and I was a liberal city slicker environmentalist who hates oil but was willing to put up with it for a few years for the paycheck. My boss was the tough ex-military country guy, and my co-workers were somewhere in between - nerdy engineers, but more country types. When out for beers, he said his wife does horseback barrel racing and I said I used to do that as a kid and it's a cool sport. He just replied, "Hah, I find that hard to picture" and got some chuckles from the other guys before changing the subject, not following up to learn more. He asked what our favorite movies were and everyone received approval except when I said A Clockwork Orange, he said that was weird. I was already masking HARD to fit in at this company. Another coworker had already outted me as an atheist as a joke at a weekly meeting. I didn't find that funny, my boss's boss in the room had previously invited me to his church as had another coworker. I used to like this job under my old boss. Now it hurt and I didn't want to be there anymore, but the paycheck was so good I knew I'd never earn that much again in my whole life. Once I started hating my boss, I may have been "silent quitting" without realizing it. I blame him and he blames me, I don't know.

lawlessone 3y ago
NGL If that was my favorite movie I'd never tell anyone.
- Ographer 3y ago
  In hindsight I should have lied but I was constantly 'masking' in this job, pretending to be someone I wasn't, I just wanted to get beers and try to get to know each other. Just because I'm different doesn't mean they had to treat me like that. The film has awful things in it but that's kind of the point, and there is a deeper meaning! I read the book in highschool and found it thought provoking. The movie is by Stanley Kubrick, has fantastic cinematography, and is on many lists of best movies of all time, so I thought it was mainstream pop culture. Sorry if I'm just over sharing now.
- timetraveller26 3y ago
  That's the thing with autism, they're people that don't adhere to boring social conventions.
neilv 3y ago
It wasn't OK for that boss to be dissing you. I'm glad you're out of that situation, but it shouldn't have happened. If no one spoke up for you in the moment, I hope they came to you afterwards with support, and/or spoke with the boss, other managers, or HR on your behalf. I suspect it wasn't so much a country-towards-city thing, though, but an individual being jerky. You'll find plenty of country people who are neighborly and welcoming, follow the best of Christian charity teachings, etc. Jerky non-inclusiveness in companies also often happens city-towards-country, one-ethnicity/caste-towards-another, one-gender-towards-another, rich-kid-careerist-towards-traditional-nerd, one-school-alumni-towards-others, etc.