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> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually k

> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. That’s probably the ideal scenario if it turns out to be mutual. I think meeting people in shared-activity groups is the best bet. You already know your interests align and you enjoy the same things. My old triathlon club would have like 6 weddings every year. Turns out getting to know people over 80-mile bike rides is a great way to learn about someone.

capableweb 3y ago
There is something about doing physical activity with others, that make others more likely to open up as well, so you can have a bit deeper conversations. Maybe it's related to the dopamine you release or something.
johnnyanmac 3y ago
And thars the downside of being a nerd or even a jock. As a male you don't really meet (heterosexual) romantic partners doing stuff guys traditionally like. I've been to a bunch of tech/gaming meetups and can count the number of women there on my hands. And none were single either. Probably because they dated and found someone on an online app. Of course I still do it for general friends purposes (when you live alone and wfh as a man, you NEED to make an effort to get out just to get out of your own head), but Idk how effective advice this is for someone who wants to meet someone in a timely matter. Not everyone wants to play the long game.
- yawnxyz 3y ago
  Lots of tech people in the dance scene (west coast swing, lindy hop, zouk, etc.) — and lots of women too
  - johnnyanmac 3y ago
    Based on my college clubs, I can believe it. It's a shame I simply don't like dancing. Dancing and Tabletop are two things I tried for a very long time to get into for the sake of meeting friends and I simply don't like neither.
  - dehrmann 3y ago
    I've been told the Bay Area is the only place where there are more men than women in the social dance scene.
    - science4sail 3y ago
      Tech-heavy Bay Area spinoffs like Seattle also have the same phenomenon. It's not uncommon to go to a salsa/bachata dance and then suddenly realize that one is surrounded by male software engineers.
  - hoseja 3y ago
    The only real reason I can see for a tech guy to be into dance is because women are also into it.
    - defrost 3y ago
      For the same reasons as you'd juggle clubs on a unicycle and play piano - increased core body strength and flexibility improve dexterity and extend your chair sitting typing lifespan. Also helps build strength for when you climb those 300m comms masts or enduring those crazy G turns flipping lines in low level geophysical aircraft surveying.
- cloudier 3y ago
  Making tech and gaming more inclusive for women isn’t something that just benefits women — as your comment shows it can benefit men as well.
letrowekwel 3y ago
I fully agree. It's all about meeting enough potential partners with similar interests. Shared-activities with healthy gender balance (at least for heterosexual relationships) are the best bet for most people. Many such activities also don't require long-term commitment or hanging out with same people all the time, so rejection isn't as awkward as in workplace for example. Of all things I tried shared activities worked the best, Tinder the worst.
- LorenPechtel 3y ago
  Yeah, gender balance is often skewed. While I'm not on the market I've noticed this with the hiking community--overall, it appears approximately balanced but most actual hikes are not. The long hikes are highly male-dominated, the short ones are rather female-dominated. I've met some women that joined specifically to look for dates--and I've never seen any of them in a group that wasn't female dominant.
  - stephencanon 3y ago
    Coed team sports are a great way to avoid this, since there’s necessarily a rough gender balance. Join your local ultimate frisbee summer league or whatever.
SoftTalker 3y ago
If you want to meet people socially and possibly develop more intimate/romantic relationships with them, you need to join clubs or groups or go to events where that is the objective, i.e. social clubs, not sports or gaming clubs or other activites that tend to be predominantly single-gender.
- brvsft 3y ago
  These people aren't talking about sports that require skill. They just mean physical activity anyone can do, like hiking. The actual meaning of the advice is to find a physical activity you can tolerate in order to find a mate who isn't fat. It is a way to make their completely reasonable and relatable position on fat people seem like something noble. "My mate and I enjoy hiking. It is our shared interest." The reason I know what I'm saying is true is because every time this discussion comes up, people peddle the shared interest bullshit and inevitably bring up 'physical activity.' And sorry for getting a hair up my ass about it, I just find it crazy when people can't just say what they mean: If you are an average man who prefers a woman with a nice body and you dislike or are unsuccessful on dating apps, try going to a group activity that will filter out fat chicks. The end. Nothing pretending this is anything but another attempt at finding a mate.
  - throwaway22032 3y ago
    You're getting hung up on "fat" here as if it's purely an aesthetic preference Physical activity filters for people who actually care about themselves. If you can't be bothered to look after your body, then you're likely not going to be any good at looking after your relationship, your family, raising children etc.
    - mmkos 3y ago
      That is such a good way of putting it and I agree wholeheartedly. The body and mind are like the absolute foundation that you build other things on top of. If your mind and body are not sound, then what chance do the other things have?
    - deleted 3y ago
billy99k 3y ago
After I graduated from college, I exclusively got dates online through various websites (this was pre-tinder, so no hookup sites) because I hated approaching women at bars. This did result in some shorter-term relationships (a few years each), but nothing long-term. I didn't meet my wife until I joined a language meetup. I met lots of friends through this group and after 5 years, I started dating my wife and we have now been married for almost 9 years. The meetup is gone, but I'm still friends with the core members of the group (we are all married now. I think there are 5 couples that met their spouses from the group) and we meet on a monthly basis. Shared-activity groups are the best thing outside of college because you are more likely to meet someone compatible due to your interests.
brvsft 3y ago
This is cliched advice that I am slowly beginning to hate. I honestly can't imagine many things more pathetic than a couple going on a jog together. I'm dead serious. If you have a "shared interest" let it be something interesting. Bomb an NRA chapter or an abortion clinic. Yes, I'm a bit of a romantic.

capableweb 3y ago

There is something about doing physical activity with others, that make others more likely to open up as well, so you can have a bit deeper conversations. Maybe it's related to the dopamine you release or something.

johnnyanmac 3y ago

And thars the downside of being a nerd or even a jock. As a male you don't really meet (heterosexual) romantic partners doing stuff guys traditionally like. I've been to a bunch of tech/gaming meetups and can count the number of women there on my hands. And none were single either. Probably because they dated and found someone on an online app. Of course I still do it for general friends purposes (when you live alone and wfh as a man, you NEED to make an effort to get out just to get out of your own head), but Idk how effective advice this is for someone who wants to meet someone in a timely matter. Not everyone wants to play the long game.

yawnxyz 3y ago
Lots of tech people in the dance scene (west coast swing, lindy hop, zouk, etc.) — and lots of women too
- johnnyanmac 3y ago
  Based on my college clubs, I can believe it. It's a shame I simply don't like dancing. Dancing and Tabletop are two things I tried for a very long time to get into for the sake of meeting friends and I simply don't like neither.
- dehrmann 3y ago
  I've been told the Bay Area is the only place where there are more men than women in the social dance scene.
  - science4sail 3y ago
    Tech-heavy Bay Area spinoffs like Seattle also have the same phenomenon. It's not uncommon to go to a salsa/bachata dance and then suddenly realize that one is surrounded by male software engineers.
- hoseja 3y ago
  The only real reason I can see for a tech guy to be into dance is because women are also into it.
  - defrost 3y ago
    For the same reasons as you'd juggle clubs on a unicycle and play piano - increased core body strength and flexibility improve dexterity and extend your chair sitting typing lifespan. Also helps build strength for when you climb those 300m comms masts or enduring those crazy G turns flipping lines in low level geophysical aircraft surveying.
cloudier 3y ago
Making tech and gaming more inclusive for women isn’t something that just benefits women — as your comment shows it can benefit men as well.

letrowekwel 3y ago

I fully agree. It's all about meeting enough potential partners with similar interests. Shared-activities with healthy gender balance (at least for heterosexual relationships) are the best bet for most people. Many such activities also don't require long-term commitment or hanging out with same people all the time, so rejection isn't as awkward as in workplace for example. Of all things I tried shared activities worked the best, Tinder the worst.

LorenPechtel 3y ago
Yeah, gender balance is often skewed. While I'm not on the market I've noticed this with the hiking community--overall, it appears approximately balanced but most actual hikes are not. The long hikes are highly male-dominated, the short ones are rather female-dominated. I've met some women that joined specifically to look for dates--and I've never seen any of them in a group that wasn't female dominant.
- stephencanon 3y ago
  Coed team sports are a great way to avoid this, since there’s necessarily a rough gender balance. Join your local ultimate frisbee summer league or whatever.

SoftTalker 3y ago

If you want to meet people socially and possibly develop more intimate/romantic relationships with them, you need to join clubs or groups or go to events where that is the objective, i.e. social clubs, not sports or gaming clubs or other activites that tend to be predominantly single-gender.

brvsft 3y ago
These people aren't talking about sports that require skill. They just mean physical activity anyone can do, like hiking. The actual meaning of the advice is to find a physical activity you can tolerate in order to find a mate who isn't fat. It is a way to make their completely reasonable and relatable position on fat people seem like something noble. "My mate and I enjoy hiking. It is our shared interest." The reason I know what I'm saying is true is because every time this discussion comes up, people peddle the shared interest bullshit and inevitably bring up 'physical activity.' And sorry for getting a hair up my ass about it, I just find it crazy when people can't just say what they mean: If you are an average man who prefers a woman with a nice body and you dislike or are unsuccessful on dating apps, try going to a group activity that will filter out fat chicks. The end. Nothing pretending this is anything but another attempt at finding a mate.
- throwaway22032 3y ago
  You're getting hung up on "fat" here as if it's purely an aesthetic preference Physical activity filters for people who actually care about themselves. If you can't be bothered to look after your body, then you're likely not going to be any good at looking after your relationship, your family, raising children etc.
  - mmkos 3y ago
    That is such a good way of putting it and I agree wholeheartedly. The body and mind are like the absolute foundation that you build other things on top of. If your mind and body are not sound, then what chance do the other things have?
  - deleted 3y ago

billy99k 3y ago

After I graduated from college, I exclusively got dates online through various websites (this was pre-tinder, so no hookup sites) because I hated approaching women at bars. This did result in some shorter-term relationships (a few years each), but nothing long-term. I didn't meet my wife until I joined a language meetup. I met lots of friends through this group and after 5 years, I started dating my wife and we have now been married for almost 9 years. The meetup is gone, but I'm still friends with the core members of the group (we are all married now. I think there are 5 couples that met their spouses from the group) and we meet on a monthly basis. Shared-activity groups are the best thing outside of college because you are more likely to meet someone compatible due to your interests.

brvsft 3y ago

This is cliched advice that I am slowly beginning to hate. I honestly can't imagine many things more pathetic than a couple going on a jog together. I'm dead serious. If you have a "shared interest" let it be something interesting. Bomb an NRA chapter or an abortion clinic. Yes, I'm a bit of a romantic.