10 ms·

In dating apps, the first approximation is that women rate men based on attributes that follow the power law (such as social status), whereas men rate women bas

• enraged_camel 3y ago
  >> In dating apps, the first approximation is that women rate men based on attributes that follow the power law (such as social status) Based on my observations and conversations with girlfriends who use dating apps, women rate men based on height first, and everything else (including social status) second.
  • xkekjrktllss 3y ago
    Yes, this is unquestionably a fact. I am 6'1" so not exactly complaining but it's definitely the reality we live in.
  • scarface_74 3y ago
    I am five foot four and my former dating life from the time I was 22-36 wasn’t anything to write home about (with one failed marriage in between). I got friend zoned more than I wish to admit. I started dating my now wife at 36 and I’m now 49. I wasn’t unattractive - I was in peak physical shape by any metric as a part time fitness instructor, runner, muscular, 10% body fat. I was outgoing, decently successful financially etc. But I am short. It got better after my divorce At 32. Maturity - maybe? The nature of competition changed - probably? I was single, no kids, intelligent, still in above average shape. But I would have still failed miserably on dating apps I think. I met my now wife at work and the women I dated before then were mostly through teaching classes at gyms. They were more willing to let their guard down with me as an instructor than just some random dude trying to hit on them at the gym
    • claytongulick 3y ago
      Dating apps are pretty much worthless for men under 5'11" or so. My 5' 2" wife freely admits I would have never passed her height filters (we met at a bar). It's sad - for my age group, I'm roughly average (slightly below) height at 5' 8". Most women I've talked to (my wife included) set their height filters at 5' 11" or above. When you take weight into account, they're all looking at the same 15-20% of guys - and then complain that all the guys they meet online are jerks. I wish the online platforms would include population demographics in those filters - I don't think most people understand how many potential partners they're missing out on by setting filters that they don't really care about.
      • lotsofpulp 3y ago
        > It's sad - for my age group, I'm roughly average (slightly below) height at 5' 8". This is not the average for men in certain socioeconomic classes/age groups/ethnicities. For a non malnutritioned young man, 5ft8in or 172cm is probably going to be on the lower end depending on ethnicity. This is not to make any judgment on which heights woman should or should not be “filtering”.
        • claytongulick 3y ago
          That's absolutely correct - but 5' 8" is nearly average in my age group (50ish male).
          • lotsofpulp 3y ago
            Sorry, I completely glossed over you writing “my age group” in your original comment.
      • warner25 3y ago
        This is fascinating to me. I'm a 5'9 American guy who got married in my early 20s to a girl who I met in college the old-fashioned way (in-person through an extracurricular activity) before the iPhone existed. So I was just never aware at all that height is such a big deal for women until I started reading about it in discussions of these online dating services. I'm wondering: 1. Knowing this, don't guys just lie about their height in their profile? 2. Are most women really able to look at a guy in-person and know that he's 5'10 vs. 6'0? Or is it mostly abstract and only becomes an issue because height is explicitly listed in online profiles?
  • analog31 3y ago
    I wonder if this also relates to the choice of people in "visible" positions such as politicians and business executives. The men are selected for tallness first, and the women for competency.
  • groestl 3y ago
    On some apps where height is not part of the profile, you find taller women only mentioning their height and nothing else. That's telling.
  • intelVISA 3y ago
    Interesting, what is third? System design?
    • lvass 3y ago
      Choice of Emacs or vi.
  • ipqk 3y ago
    I'm 5'8" on a good day, and my dating app experience is pretty meh. But in real life, my height never seems to matter. Literally last night I was approached by a woman over 6'. It's wild how people's real-world preferences can be completely different than their more superficial online ones (I'm not excluding myself from this, or is this aimed at any gender/group in general).
    • warner25 3y ago
      This was my question elsewhere, but I'll put it here too because I'm really curious: Are most women really able to look at a guy in-person and know that he's 5'10 vs. 6'0? Or is it mostly abstract and only becomes an issue because height is explicitly listed in online profiles? I suspect the latter, and I think you're saying the same.
      • hyeonwho22 3y ago
        When dating in Korea women would guess my height to 2 cm higher than I am tall. Which was very eerie, because I correct my gait with 1.5 cm high insoles. I would estimate most women there have an accuracy of +/- 1 cm, and the worst were +/- 2.5 cm.
  • kukkeliskuu 3y ago
    I did not go too deep into what I mean by social status. I actually do not think women rate men on attributes like education/job title/car/wealth that are typically associated with social status, but more with dominance, and height is one proxy attribute for dominance -- lack of above-average height is a good indicator that men is likely not very dominant.
• mcpackieh 3y ago
  Social pressure to commit to monogamous relationships is the only possible solution to this.
  • geysersam 3y ago
    Or, men could accept that they don't have a right to a romantic relationship with a woman.
    • deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
    • mcpackieh 3y ago
      [flagged]
      • scarface_74 3y ago
        I didn’t exactly win the genetic lottery at 5 foot 4. My only saving physical grace was that I build muscle fast and even when I do let my weight go to hell, I look muscular. But is the problem that men who are looking for 10s are twos? I’m in no way considering myself more than a 5. I’m a social person by nature, I like to try different things and I’ve really spent my adult life working on my emotional intelligence. I was in more or less great physical shape throughout my 20s and 30s and even after being married for 12 years I make it my mission to stay in shape the best I physically can as does my wife - at 49 and 47.
      • kibwen 3y ago
        The unstated alternative here is that women would be forced into the misery of sexual slavery. As a man, my daughters have the freedom to decide to participate in marriage, and nobody will take that right away from them.
      • luzojeda 3y ago
        Nobody _owes_ you love nor sex. Nobody at all.
    • 3y ago
• lvass 3y ago
  I don't think this has much to do with dating apps, AFAIK among the best analysis on this topic is still DOI: 10.1207/s15327957pspr0804_2 from 2004.
  • geraldhh 3y ago
    https://sci-hub.st/10.1207/s15327957pspr0804_2 https://sci-hub.st/10.1207/s15327957pspr0804_2
  • claytongulick 3y ago
    The entire premise of that analysis is broken by a simple truth - that while rarely discussed in "polite society", it turns out that women enjoy sex too.
    • InSteady 3y ago
      I've only read the abstract, but I think your pithy analysis doesn't seem to undermine the hypothesis that sexuality in society can be analyzed through an economic lens. After all, sellers of goods and services tend to enjoy the activity of selling, but many other incentives and interactions can also be in play at the same time.
      • claytongulick 3y ago
        Marketplace economics like those done in the paper don't apply well when both parties are buyers. They also rest on concepts of resource scarcity, which is an artificial construct in the context of post birth control sex. Artificial scarcity rarely lasts long in markets, it can only be propped up by industry collusion. The 50's model of "precious chastity" sexual relations just doesn't apply to current interpersonal dynamics. The risk factors that drove that model are very different today and have freed both women and men in different ways.
    • johnnyanmac 3y ago
      >while rarely discussed in "polite society", it turns out that women enjoy sex too. Men don't discuss their sexual prowess in "polite society" either. It's not the 90's anymore.
• vivekd 3y ago
  I hear this claim alot on social media but is there any solid research backing this up? I want to propose a different hypothesis - men and women lie differently. Men are more likely to say they got no matches on a dating site and complain whereas women are more likely to keep quiet of they get few to no matches and exaggerate the number they do get. Maybe men are more likely to blame the site or algorithm whereas women are more likely to blame themselves. Maybe ratios of unsuccessful attempts are roughly evenly distributed and the difference can be explained solely by the fact that men must ask and make the first move in most cultures whereas women don't have to.
  • groestl 3y ago
    Annectotal, but the women I know, if anything, try to tone down the number of matches they get, and dates they go on, whereas for the men it's the other way around. You hear of every single match from a male friend.
    • vivekd 3y ago
      Women do tend to make that claim in social circumstances but to be fair it's a pretty flattering self portrait. Could these women be exaggerating to make themselves look hot and unobtainable and the women who fail be keeping quiet. I met guys who talk about their successful conquests on these apps and I get the feeling that a lot of that is just guys exaggerating or lying to impress others I can say this I got a lot of dates in dating apps and I'm short and not very hot. My strategy was just ask for dates and play the numbers game - accept nos and just keep asking. I wasn't getting a lot of dates before I tried this strategy. I know another guy similarly situated who successfully used the same strategy. Maybe it's not about the apps themselves but about how they are used and who uses them - eg. Shy guys who are nervous about asking girls on dates for example
      • groestl 3y ago
        It just does not add up for me. > Men are more likely to say they got no matches on a dating site and complain Does not really align with the fact that men tend to brag about their experience (hence: every single match is mentioned to friends) > women are more likely to keep quiet of they get few to no matches and exaggerate the number they do get. But they don't keep quiet, they complain about the quality of the men on display. And the ones who are successful usually don't mention it openly, to avoid negative connotations about promiscuity and such. > Maybe men are more likely to blame the site or algorithm In my experience, men tend to compain about the women (namely their behavior to be too picky). As apparent in this discussion as a whole. > women are more likely to blame themselves As mentioned, they're likely to blame the choice ("the grapes are sour"), or, if they get any matches, the quality of their dates. > men must ask and make the first move in most cultures whereas women don't have to. It's the same on Bumble.
• captainmuon 3y ago
  I don't know, from what I've heard, women rate mostly based on red flags (is there anything I don't like), whereas men rate based on green flags (is there anything I like). Which of course makes it hard for men to create a good profile, whereas women get swamped with messages and have a lot of "dont's" in their profiles. But it doesn't mean women are neccessarily "pickier". They are just as "interested" or "on the search" as men, but are often more cautious because of bad experiences. Evo-psych explanations break down when you look at actual couples, I think. I recall a study where people ranked each other with 1-9, and they found that the stated preference was similar to what you describe, with women prefering the higher ranked men, and vice-versa but with the men having wider spread preferences. But when they looked at actual couples it was far more random with "9"s paired with "5"s and so on. (I can't find a link but maybe someone else finds it?) In reality, common interests and similar social milieus are probably the most important factors.
  • johnnyanmac 3y ago
    >But when they looked at actual couples it was far more random with "9"s paired with "5"s and so on. are these general couples or couples that met online? There is definitely a whole different dynamic to meeting someone physically and how that body language and actual time to converse changes their perception (not swipe and try to woo them with a text message). You're not even getting 5 seconds on a dating app if you don't have the right looks or right pitch. I always had an idea for one of those trashy Blind Date reality shows with a premise of "would you swipe right on your SO/Spouse?". because we're never getting organic data for that.
  • kukkeliskuu 3y ago
    I am not talking about self-reported preferences but the statistical analysis of the observable experiences men and women have on dating apps. I find the former to not be consistent with the latter, and I find the latter more trustworthy. I have learned a lot about this in the zoo with my daughter. Adults become extremely uncomfortable when the children find the human-like behavior of apes funny. Adults just want to go away. To me it seems that our animal nature is too much for most people to psychologically accept. That is why I completely avoid that evo-psych discussion in general and here in particular. Dating app popularity can be easily observed and we don't need to go into that discussion at all.