5 ms·

As a counterpoint to the other comments on here… I had a great experience with Tinder as a late 30s divorced single dad. I was able to date a different attracti

by _yb2s 3y ago

As a counterpoint to the other comments on here… I had a great experience with Tinder as a late 30s divorced single dad. I was able to date a different attractive women every night if I wanted to, and found someone I’ve really liked, and we have been together happily for 2.5 years now. It works so well because you get to see so many possible people, and can find a better match than any matchmaking algorithm or real life chance. My take is that 99% of the men on there are immature man children whose life is a mess. I have many women friends and the guys they end up dating on Tinder, etc are a low bar- dress sloppy, no purpose in life, etc. If you want a good partner you have to be one. An app can’t do it for you. Learn to be vulnerable and emotionally supportive, build a career that is interesting and has meaning to you, dress well with a unique sense of fashion, learn to cook well and eat healthy food, get fit, make friends and have fun hobbies. With all of that you will be happy even if single, but you will also be unusually attractive.

subjectsigma 3y ago
You do realize how you sound saying “Everyone is the problem except me,” right? And then comparing your experience dating in your late 30s to people dating in their early 20s?
- groestl 3y ago
  Where do you get the "early 20s" from? The people in the article are 55, 33, 37, 29, ... years old, many people here in the comments don't mention their age etc...
- _yb2s 3y ago
  My point is the opposite of that- the quality of my dating experience depends entirely on me. Instead of blaming women, apps, etc. The guys that are having a terrible time are claiming everyone is the problem but them… and not wanting to confront the painful truth that dating them isn’t going to be a good experience for the other person, because of their choices. Women actually have a worse time on these apps then men, because despite lots of matches the guys all have serious issues they aren’t willing to admit or work on. If you work on yourself, it is really easy for men to stand out in a way that is much harder for women. This attitude difference is actually the very crux of the issue. An attractive, mature adult is someone that takes responsibility when things aren’t going well, and does something about it instead of blaming and complaining. The guys complaining about how apps and dating are terrible and nobody recognizes how great they are, are not realizing that this complaining and entitled attitude itself is their entire problem.
  - nocontextpls 3y ago
    [dead]
  - subjectsigma 3y ago
    Your entire comment can be summarized as “I’m right, you’re wrong, sticks tounge out”. I don’t know what I could possibly say when everything I’ve seen and read (including books about the subject) says you’re wrong but I’m sure none of that will convince you. I guess I’ll just say that I only found an happy relationship after leaving dating apps and I would recommend anyone reading to do the same. > Women actually have a worse time on these apps then men This is completely irrelevant when discussing whether or not men have valid complaints or not. In reality dating apps are shitty for both men and women.
    - _yb2s 3y ago
      You haven’t made any specific points, so what do you feel I’m claiming you are wrong about?
      - subjectsigma 3y ago
        Fine, I will spell it out for you. > My take is that 99% of the men on there are immature man children whose life is a mess. This is a completely ridiculous take. You sound like an asshole saying this. Have you met 99% of men using dating apps? > was able to date a different attractive women every night if I wanted to Statistically you are in the 90th percentile of attractiveness for men or you are lying. Either way your experience is highly atypical. > If you want a good partner you have to be one. An app can’t do it for you. This is a truism that doesn’t address or refute the many stated problems with dating apps. > the quality of my dating experience depends entirely on me. This is also a truism and completely moronic. I guess non-white people and disabled people, etc. who have a statistically more difficult time finding a partner on dating apps should just stop being so unattractive! > Women actually have a worse time on these apps then men We already discussed but this is irrelevant as to whether the experience is good for men. > because despite lots of matches the guys all have serious issues they aren’t willing to admit or work on What do you define as “lots of matches”? Because statistically the lower 50th percentile of men get like one or two matches a week, who are often below their standards of attractiveness. They surely aren’t dating “attractive women every night”. TL;DR go read Dataclysm by Christian Rudder as well as many other studies and criticisms of dating apps because you are delusional about how dating apps work
mettamage 3y ago
I’m a completely different counter point. This is typed on my phone. I am a mess with dating and sought help in the seduction community around 2008 as a teen. There I learned about the value of meditation and Buddhist ethics as my first cornerstone for dating. My second cornerstone for dating came when I understood what my true style of playfulness is since childhood. I have a lot of imagination that I consider to be Disney-like. And I would use that as my “social glue” because I basically showed anyone I talked to the inner workings of my mind while doing that. The third cornerstone was to study positive psychology (Tal Ben Shahar, Harvard). I read many scientific articles. Shout out to Seligman and Learned Optimism as well and to the HEXACO personality inventory and to locus of control/coping styles and to attachment theory. The fourth cornerstone was to travel, in order to loosen up and expand my view/horizon. Using these 4 cornerstones - while having a hacker mindset - the seduction community helped me to find my own style of how I wanted to date. It took 2.5 years of only rejections. I also took an ethic course early on (from Yale or Harvard - I forgot). The reason is because many ideas that were mentioned were toxic. Things like: insulting people for social status, being an “alpha male” or using scripted stories. I immediately steered clear from those. When you are hyper critical (and clueless - like I was) then the seduction community offers good advice. If you copy/paste whatever they do, then it is likely that one might develop a toxic personality. When I used Tinder a year ago, I started out like anyone else. I put a reasonable bio, reasonable pictures (with hobbies and things I valued). I got one match that month. I realized that in the online dating arena that I was clueless again. So I decided to use my hacker mindset and looked at advice from the seduction community. My hacker mindset allowed me to autoswipe 200k profiles with the simplest JS ever (10 minutes of coding) and the seduction community gave the advice to edit your pictures. I thought about the ethics of picture editing and decided that I could do a few test dates to see if anyone would notice. No one noticed and most dates actually went really well. I decided it was therefore ethical since they would see me in real life anyway. It made me realize that people on Tinder use the peripheral route of the elaboration-likelihood model in consumer psychology. That is to say: profiles are more treated like an impulse purchase and much less like the decision-making process of buying a house. In fact, it is only during the first date that you get an actual fair consideration. This solidified my ethical justification in getting as many matches as possible and get them on a real life date as soon as possible. Another justification is: their environment is toxic so I need to do some unconventional things in order to thrive. I never got banned. I don’t autoswipe fast, no need. One per 10 seconds is enough, just let it churn. Using this strategy I got 150 matches of women I fancied per month. That is a whole lot better than the reasonable/authentic approach which gained me 1 match per month. I went on 26 dates (1 per week) and around the 26th date I found someone special and with her I am in a relationship. I’m hardcore when it comes to dating. I know I have to be. If am not, then no one sees me. But when I flip the switch and am intentional about it, then some women see me. When I am in a relationship, I am fully myself - it is just the first 10 to 15 minutes of the interaction that needs to be tweaked a little. All women that became my GF know my entire story quite soon after we enter in a relationship (sometimes before even). They are all fine with it and some actually agree that if I wouldn’t put the effort in then no one would see me standing. It is what it is. But with careful conscious effort Tinder works. It is more effective for me than any other way of meeting women (night club, sport club, via friends, bold approaches during the day). So yea +1 for online dating from my side. It saved me a bunch of time after learning the ropes.
__turbobrew__ 3y ago
I do agree on much you said about self improvement and owning your own happiness, also I can tell that you are self confident and sure of yourself which is also important. But I believe that is a necessary but not sufficient condition to being successful on dating apps as a man, the other condition being: How tall are you?
- _yb2s 3y ago
  That’s a popular excuse among guys because it’s so easy to say there is nothing you can do if you aren’t above a certain height… but a quick walk in public proves it to be totally false. Count how many short guys are with attractive women- it’s just as many as tall guys. If women even remember to look at your height on a dating profile you’re already so boring you’ve reduced yourself to a statistic and already failed. If you are weird and interesting enough she will forget to even look at that and just be excited. It is the size of your personality, not your body that matters.
  - __turbobrew__ 3y ago
    You didn’t answer the question which leads me to believe you are an above average height on the bell curve (feel free to let me know otherwise). It is a pretty well documented phenomenon that men with average or below average height are largely excluded from online dating activity. In real life dating of course height is much less of a factor, but for online dating it very much is.
    - _yb2s 3y ago
      Look I am tall and am sure it’s a huge advantage… and in general it would suck to be ignored and excluded based on things you can’t control like height or skin color, and I have unearned privilege of not having to deal with that, other than being bald. But I have a bunch of attractive women friends that are dating short men they met online, and none of those guys are the type to spend their time complaining online about how unfair everything is. Being short is probably a disadvantage, but much much less of one than having a toxic victim attitude towards life.

by _yb2s 3y ago

subjectsigma 3y ago

You do realize how you sound saying “Everyone is the problem except me,” right? And then comparing your experience dating in your late 30s to people dating in their early 20s?

groestl 3y ago
Where do you get the "early 20s" from? The people in the article are 55, 33, 37, 29, ... years old, many people here in the comments don't mention their age etc...
_yb2s 3y ago
My point is the opposite of that- the quality of my dating experience depends entirely on me. Instead of blaming women, apps, etc. The guys that are having a terrible time are claiming everyone is the problem but them… and not wanting to confront the painful truth that dating them isn’t going to be a good experience for the other person, because of their choices. Women actually have a worse time on these apps then men, because despite lots of matches the guys all have serious issues they aren’t willing to admit or work on. If you work on yourself, it is really easy for men to stand out in a way that is much harder for women. This attitude difference is actually the very crux of the issue. An attractive, mature adult is someone that takes responsibility when things aren’t going well, and does something about it instead of blaming and complaining. The guys complaining about how apps and dating are terrible and nobody recognizes how great they are, are not realizing that this complaining and entitled attitude itself is their entire problem.
- nocontextpls 3y ago
  [dead]
- subjectsigma 3y ago
  Your entire comment can be summarized as “I’m right, you’re wrong, sticks tounge out”. I don’t know what I could possibly say when everything I’ve seen and read (including books about the subject) says you’re wrong but I’m sure none of that will convince you. I guess I’ll just say that I only found an happy relationship after leaving dating apps and I would recommend anyone reading to do the same. > Women actually have a worse time on these apps then men This is completely irrelevant when discussing whether or not men have valid complaints or not. In reality dating apps are shitty for both men and women.
  - _yb2s 3y ago
    You haven’t made any specific points, so what do you feel I’m claiming you are wrong about?
    - subjectsigma 3y ago
      Fine, I will spell it out for you. > My take is that 99% of the men on there are immature man children whose life is a mess. This is a completely ridiculous take. You sound like an asshole saying this. Have you met 99% of men using dating apps? > was able to date a different attractive women every night if I wanted to Statistically you are in the 90th percentile of attractiveness for men or you are lying. Either way your experience is highly atypical. > If you want a good partner you have to be one. An app can’t do it for you. This is a truism that doesn’t address or refute the many stated problems with dating apps. > the quality of my dating experience depends entirely on me. This is also a truism and completely moronic. I guess non-white people and disabled people, etc. who have a statistically more difficult time finding a partner on dating apps should just stop being so unattractive! > Women actually have a worse time on these apps then men We already discussed but this is irrelevant as to whether the experience is good for men. > because despite lots of matches the guys all have serious issues they aren’t willing to admit or work on What do you define as “lots of matches”? Because statistically the lower 50th percentile of men get like one or two matches a week, who are often below their standards of attractiveness. They surely aren’t dating “attractive women every night”. TL;DR go read Dataclysm by Christian Rudder as well as many other studies and criticisms of dating apps because you are delusional about how dating apps work

mettamage 3y ago

I’m a completely different counter point. This is typed on my phone. I am a mess with dating and sought help in the seduction community around 2008 as a teen. There I learned about the value of meditation and Buddhist ethics as my first cornerstone for dating. My second cornerstone for dating came when I understood what my true style of playfulness is since childhood. I have a lot of imagination that I consider to be Disney-like. And I would use that as my “social glue” because I basically showed anyone I talked to the inner workings of my mind while doing that. The third cornerstone was to study positive psychology (Tal Ben Shahar, Harvard). I read many scientific articles. Shout out to Seligman and Learned Optimism as well and to the HEXACO personality inventory and to locus of control/coping styles and to attachment theory. The fourth cornerstone was to travel, in order to loosen up and expand my view/horizon. Using these 4 cornerstones - while having a hacker mindset - the seduction community helped me to find my own style of how I wanted to date. It took 2.5 years of only rejections. I also took an ethic course early on (from Yale or Harvard - I forgot). The reason is because many ideas that were mentioned were toxic. Things like: insulting people for social status, being an “alpha male” or using scripted stories. I immediately steered clear from those. When you are hyper critical (and clueless - like I was) then the seduction community offers good advice. If you copy/paste whatever they do, then it is likely that one might develop a toxic personality. When I used Tinder a year ago, I started out like anyone else. I put a reasonable bio, reasonable pictures (with hobbies and things I valued). I got one match that month. I realized that in the online dating arena that I was clueless again. So I decided to use my hacker mindset and looked at advice from the seduction community. My hacker mindset allowed me to autoswipe 200k profiles with the simplest JS ever (10 minutes of coding) and the seduction community gave the advice to edit your pictures. I thought about the ethics of picture editing and decided that I could do a few test dates to see if anyone would notice. No one noticed and most dates actually went really well. I decided it was therefore ethical since they would see me in real life anyway. It made me realize that people on Tinder use the peripheral route of the elaboration-likelihood model in consumer psychology. That is to say: profiles are more treated like an impulse purchase and much less like the decision-making process of buying a house. In fact, it is only during the first date that you get an actual fair consideration. This solidified my ethical justification in getting as many matches as possible and get them on a real life date as soon as possible. Another justification is: their environment is toxic so I need to do some unconventional things in order to thrive. I never got banned. I don’t autoswipe fast, no need. One per 10 seconds is enough, just let it churn. Using this strategy I got 150 matches of women I fancied per month. That is a whole lot better than the reasonable/authentic approach which gained me 1 match per month. I went on 26 dates (1 per week) and around the 26th date I found someone special and with her I am in a relationship. I’m hardcore when it comes to dating. I know I have to be. If am not, then no one sees me. But when I flip the switch and am intentional about it, then some women see me. When I am in a relationship, I am fully myself - it is just the first 10 to 15 minutes of the interaction that needs to be tweaked a little. All women that became my GF know my entire story quite soon after we enter in a relationship (sometimes before even). They are all fine with it and some actually agree that if I wouldn’t put the effort in then no one would see me standing. It is what it is. But with careful conscious effort Tinder works. It is more effective for me than any other way of meeting women (night club, sport club, via friends, bold approaches during the day). So yea +1 for online dating from my side. It saved me a bunch of time after learning the ropes.

__turbobrew__ 3y ago

I do agree on much you said about self improvement and owning your own happiness, also I can tell that you are self confident and sure of yourself which is also important. But I believe that is a necessary but not sufficient condition to being successful on dating apps as a man, the other condition being: How tall are you?

_yb2s 3y ago
That’s a popular excuse among guys because it’s so easy to say there is nothing you can do if you aren’t above a certain height… but a quick walk in public proves it to be totally false. Count how many short guys are with attractive women- it’s just as many as tall guys. If women even remember to look at your height on a dating profile you’re already so boring you’ve reduced yourself to a statistic and already failed. If you are weird and interesting enough she will forget to even look at that and just be excited. It is the size of your personality, not your body that matters.
- __turbobrew__ 3y ago
  You didn’t answer the question which leads me to believe you are an above average height on the bell curve (feel free to let me know otherwise). It is a pretty well documented phenomenon that men with average or below average height are largely excluded from online dating activity. In real life dating of course height is much less of a factor, but for online dating it very much is.
  - _yb2s 3y ago
    Look I am tall and am sure it’s a huge advantage… and in general it would suck to be ignored and excluded based on things you can’t control like height or skin color, and I have unearned privilege of not having to deal with that, other than being bald. But I have a bunch of attractive women friends that are dating short men they met online, and none of those guys are the type to spend their time complaining online about how unfair everything is. Being short is probably a disadvantage, but much much less of one than having a toxic victim attitude towards life.