I'm not sure if you're trying to say that this output is better, but in my opinion it is very much not. I don't think that someone that wrote "you fit into me"

I'm not sure if you're trying to say that this output is better, but in my opinion it is very much not. I don't think that someone that wrote "you fit into me", would use the abundance of qualificatives that this text has. Furthermore there's nothing of Atwood's style that I can detect in it. The only interesting bit for me is the inverted assumption that the voice that speaks to us is male, but I feel like even that's too lame of a device for something a veteran author would do. > you fit into me > like a hook into an eye > a fish hook > an open eye