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USA 30+ adult here, total loner status: friends/spouse/acquaintances, I don't have anybody who spends any physical time near me. Obviously I get messages from

USA 30+ adult here, total loner status: friends/spouse/acquaintances, I don't have anybody who spends any physical time near me. Obviously I get messages from old friends far away, but they might as well be letters in the mail. I remember having dozens of friends in school, since I was involved in half a dozen sponsored activities. Even in college, those extra curricular activities (and classes forced group work, science labs) is where I met most of my friends. But I did notice the count going down, I figured I was too busy with my work. Nowadays I'm 100% WFH, and have zero friends in any sort of physical proximity to me. Yes I'm single too, of course. I go out to eat every day just to have a chance of socializing, and to people-watch. I visit the sketchiest Walmart in my city in case something interesting happens, and to people-watch. Otherwise, I might as well not exist. If I died, my immediate family (parents, siblings) would be the only people to notice (after the county calls found my body, anyway), and maybe a friend or two from high school would drop in for the funeral. What happened? I'm an extroverted Leo, so unlike most lurkers here, I actually consider this a real problem in my life. --- I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I've realized a solution: drastically changing my living situation, and going out to bars more, is likely to be a reasonable plan to "make a lot of new friends" as an adult. Think about it: what do most, non-autistic people, who don't-use-computers, do on the weekend? They go to bars! They probably get laid, too!! The only apps on their phone are probably facebook, tinder and a sports betting app!!! --- While we're all complaining about this, there are tons of people who use their smartphones to socialize every day. *What are they doing that we don't?*

ohdannyboy 3y ago
I don't know your solution, but I can speak for what worked for me when I found myself in a very similar predicament. This was in conjunction with seeing a therapist about some of the reasons I wasn't spending my time socially when it was clearly what I needed (beyond the scope of what I'm willing to write here). I consider myself pretty extroverted and I am far, far happier than I was in 2020 when the problem was at its worst (the lockdowns were only a catalyst). I just started joining social activities and seeing what stuck. - I did Muay Thai classes but while I enjoy the sport, I didn't make any friends at the gym so I moved on (I work out at a more casual boxing gym now and enjoy it) - I play a lot of social sports leagues. At this point its mostly with people I already know but I joined as free agents for a solid year, usually in 2 at any given time. These were mostly weeknights (WFH makes this a lot easier). There's a group of us who regularly do things ranging from bowling to dinner parties, I'd say I have about 5 moderately close friends from this circle. - Went to random singles meetup groups. I actually met 2 of my closest male friends at a singles group that only 1 girl showed up to (I'm a guy btw). We started talking, kept in touch and became extremely close. I regularly take vacations with these two. I've met several friends through them too. - Took improv classes. I met a lot of interesting people here since I never really had an artistic outlet before (having an artistic outlet turned out to be a great thing too). - Joined a political group and met a few people there, one of whom is among my closest friends. He got me into Muay Thai and we usually see a movie every week or so. - I avoided tech and gaming groups since they're so heavily male and well within my comfort zone. This is largely a numbers game. I don't keep in touch with or even remember the vast majority of people I've met in these groups. But everyone I currently spend time with I met via the above. Think about it: what do most, non-autistic people, who don't-use-computers, do on the weekend? They go to bars! They probably get laid, too!! I think this is putting the cart before the horse. Groups of friends go to bars to socialize. Not everyone goes out and gets laid from there, plenty of people just want to hang out with their friends.
- TechnicolorByte 3y ago
  We’re most of those groups (political, singles meetup) hosted on the Meetup app? Curious because I also need to try more of that.
  - ohdannyboy 3y ago
    The political and singles groups were Meetup based, the rest were not.
jraby3 3y ago
That’s tricky. When I look at most of my recent friends, they’re almost always work friends or friends of a friend/spouse etc. Starting from scratch must be hard. I don’t know if bars are the only solution. Gym friends, maybe trying to go on some dates etc. could work. If you are 100% work from home why do you choose to work in a place where you have no friends?
- deltaThis369 3y ago
  yes, GYM friends, now you're talking. bars, gyms, what else are super easy and common? libraries are out because you're supposed to be quiet.
  - jraby3 3y ago
    Book stores. I’ve met people there. Pretty easy to ask what someone is reading or which author they love. Concerts could be another one. Btw these are all places where I’ve met girls, but it’s probably just as easy to make friends there.
aorloff 3y ago
The solution is to volunteer.
- deltaThis369 3y ago
  yes, thanks for reminding me to look into this, I've never done this yet.
- noSyncCloud 3y ago
  Yes. Get out in your community. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you're a nice, considerate person, you'll make friends in no time.
lr4444lr 3y ago
Organized religion, though it is on the decline, is also a very important vector for socializing. So are local sports leagues. The key is frequent exposure to the same people breeding familiarity. I'm in your boat, a little older, and married with kids. Having kids helps, because you take them to the same activities on a regular schedule which puts me in regular contact with other similar adults. They're acquaintances, not really "friends", but it's better than nothing.
- deltaThis369 3y ago
  I've considered this too, but, I work with too many non-religious freaks, that they're basically as guilty as the religious freaks, so I can't live two sides of the same coin.
hutzlibu 3y ago
"Think about it: what do most, non-autistic people, who don't-use-computers do on the weekend? They go to bars! They probably get laid, too!!" Bars and alcohol are not the only way. If you enjoy them, sure go for it. Otherwise join a sports club, go working out, start climbing, visit a gym, go dancing, join a music band, a choir, a hacker club. Anything where people are and where you enjoy the atmosphere. Or move somehwere, where activity hubs are closer, so the friction is less to actually go there.
- deltaThis369 3y ago
  right, I live too far from too many activity hubs. rural areas are great, to a certain extent.
  - fragmede 3y ago
    That's a salient detail! Cities have their downsides but people put up with them for proximity to other people.
jraph 3y ago
I wish you the best luck in fixing this. I'm surrounded by many people, many of them I met in my choir. People around me had quite some luck joining swing lessons too. Maybe you could try something like this? Joining some dance, singing, drama, sport club, or some repair or activist community? In short, joining some group of people who share a common activity or common ideas / ideals? It also gives some easy starting point for discussions beside the weather. What works really well in my choir is that besides people being here also to meet new people, after rehearsal many of us stay/gather at a place where you can drink or eat (but are not forced too, it's fine just hanging out without taking anything). Could also be related to computing, though while I love the activity, I'm happy to spend some time with people outside it discussing other stuff. I have a lot of friends and I'm now quite self-confident, but I would be terrified to have to socialize with people in bars. Not to mention the noise. Unless most people are also specifically there to meet other people. (edit: but yeah, that works in a city, if you are in a remote area it can be tough. But still.) (not in the US)
lelandbatey 3y ago
Going out to bars isn't your only shot, and may not even be a good venue. Meet ups for hobbies though are almost universally fantastic places to meet folks.
ImPostingOnHN 3y ago
Before I moved to my current location, I created a meetup account for myself, here, and joined many meetup groups around varying personal and professional interests, along with some general social ones, some singles ones, and some age-range-based ones. I browsed the local subreddit, and a local, social events subreddit, and joined discord groups associated with both the meetups and the subreddits. When I actually moved, I forced myself to go to several each week, to bootstrap a physical social network from nothing. Some conclusions from this: - It's a lot of work at first, if you're not extroverted. I wasn't. You gotta force yourself to go out. - If you go to a particular meetup enough, you'll see some of the same people there, and can make friends, and can be a "regular", welcoming new folks into the friends if it's their first time. - If you go to multiple different meetups, you might find some other overlapping people, and can make friends. - If you go to meetups enough, you develop an "elevator pitch" for you as a person/friend/social creature, essentially you learn to introduce yourself without effort or anxiety. - Meetups are usually organized by normal folks, and you can help out with one or start your own, and this helps me feel a sense of local grounding and friendship. - Doing this is a great way to learn a new city, both the places and the streets. - "Are you with the meetup group?" when at a public venue is a good icebreaker and way to introduce yourself to people who are and also to people who aren't :) *- edited to clarify that this is an icebreaking, not a gatekeeping question
- ghoogl 3y ago
  [dead]
katabasis 3y ago
I don’t know what your particular interests are, but my suggestion would be to try to find some in-person group activities that align with something you are interested in. Take an art class at a community college, join a group for hikes/bike rides/sports, etc. I think this can be a low pressure way to meet a lot of people who you might at least have one or two things in common with. Casual acquaintances like this may or may not become the starting point for more “real” friendships but it’s a start.
TechnicolorByte 3y ago
Fairly relatable other than the fact that I wouldn’t consider myself an extrovert. I’m mostly WFH. Late 20s, single, don’t really have strong connections locally. Moved to SF a few years (COVID times…) which is a terrible time to move to a new place where you don’t know anybody. Have struggled to be outgoing since and have found it very hard to make connections. Granted I should be trying harder. What’s worse is that the few friend connections I have from earlier in life back home are all getting busier with their own lives/partners so it’s not like I get to see them often anyway. That’s been a hard hitting realization. Going to the office for a short while before COVID hit was really beneficial in retrospect since you meet a lot of people that way. Especially when you’re younger. As you said it seems like most people hang out at bars and such but I have no idea how to cold approach random people and talk them up. At this point I’m probably going to try apps like Meetup, Bumble BFF, FB Groups to make some friends. If anyone’s got suggestions I’m down to hear them.
Modified3019 3y ago
Look up local D&D groups (there's a reason it's only gotten more popular, also fun as hell with adequately decent people), or some kind of other hobby/activity group that provides the necessary pretext for complete strangers to meet without it being "weird". You can look up lists of hobbies, and just see if there's some group around. Dance lessons, communal gardening, gym/"rock" climbing (specifically, joining an “accountability group”), and even some intermittent volunteer activities (thought you want to be cautious of that one, as you are there for meeting people, not for something to do or be feel guilted into long term) are also some other things that are a possibility.
wheelerof4te 3y ago
"While we're all complaining about this, there are tons of people who use their smartphones to socialize every day. What are they doing that we don't?" They are doing what interests them, plain and simple. It's kind of a red flag to live without friends and say you are an extrovert. Extroverts usually try to meet other people, and have no problems approaching them. Have you tried being what you say you are? Introverts, on the other hand, prefer activities that involve a lot less human interaction. Any introvert that goes out of his/her way to meet people at bars, parties or what-have-you is not really an introvert.
pharmakom 3y ago
Join a non-affiliated cross fit gym. You will see the same crowd every week. After a while, maybe grab a coffee. Fellow regulars will become acquaintances and then friends. You will become more (conventionally) physically attractive, which will help with dating. Just try it, it will change your life.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]

ohdannyboy 3y ago

I don't know your solution, but I can speak for what worked for me when I found myself in a very similar predicament. This was in conjunction with seeing a therapist about some of the reasons I wasn't spending my time socially when it was clearly what I needed (beyond the scope of what I'm willing to write here). I consider myself pretty extroverted and I am far, far happier than I was in 2020 when the problem was at its worst (the lockdowns were only a catalyst). I just started joining social activities and seeing what stuck. - I did Muay Thai classes but while I enjoy the sport, I didn't make any friends at the gym so I moved on (I work out at a more casual boxing gym now and enjoy it) - I play a lot of social sports leagues. At this point its mostly with people I already know but I joined as free agents for a solid year, usually in 2 at any given time. These were mostly weeknights (WFH makes this a lot easier). There's a group of us who regularly do things ranging from bowling to dinner parties, I'd say I have about 5 moderately close friends from this circle. - Went to random singles meetup groups. I actually met 2 of my closest male friends at a singles group that only 1 girl showed up to (I'm a guy btw). We started talking, kept in touch and became extremely close. I regularly take vacations with these two. I've met several friends through them too. - Took improv classes. I met a lot of interesting people here since I never really had an artistic outlet before (having an artistic outlet turned out to be a great thing too). - Joined a political group and met a few people there, one of whom is among my closest friends. He got me into Muay Thai and we usually see a movie every week or so. - I avoided tech and gaming groups since they're so heavily male and well within my comfort zone. This is largely a numbers game. I don't keep in touch with or even remember the vast majority of people I've met in these groups. But everyone I currently spend time with I met via the above. Think about it: what do most, non-autistic people, who don't-use-computers, do on the weekend? They go to bars! They probably get laid, too!! I think this is putting the cart before the horse. Groups of friends go to bars to socialize. Not everyone goes out and gets laid from there, plenty of people just want to hang out with their friends.

TechnicolorByte 3y ago
We’re most of those groups (political, singles meetup) hosted on the Meetup app? Curious because I also need to try more of that.
- ohdannyboy 3y ago
  The political and singles groups were Meetup based, the rest were not.

jraby3 3y ago

That’s tricky. When I look at most of my recent friends, they’re almost always work friends or friends of a friend/spouse etc. Starting from scratch must be hard. I don’t know if bars are the only solution. Gym friends, maybe trying to go on some dates etc. could work. If you are 100% work from home why do you choose to work in a place where you have no friends?

deltaThis369 3y ago
yes, GYM friends, now you're talking. bars, gyms, what else are super easy and common? libraries are out because you're supposed to be quiet.
- jraby3 3y ago
  Book stores. I’ve met people there. Pretty easy to ask what someone is reading or which author they love. Concerts could be another one. Btw these are all places where I’ve met girls, but it’s probably just as easy to make friends there.

aorloff 3y ago

The solution is to volunteer.

deltaThis369 3y ago
yes, thanks for reminding me to look into this, I've never done this yet.
noSyncCloud 3y ago
Yes. Get out in your community. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you're a nice, considerate person, you'll make friends in no time.

lr4444lr 3y ago

Organized religion, though it is on the decline, is also a very important vector for socializing. So are local sports leagues. The key is frequent exposure to the same people breeding familiarity. I'm in your boat, a little older, and married with kids. Having kids helps, because you take them to the same activities on a regular schedule which puts me in regular contact with other similar adults. They're acquaintances, not really "friends", but it's better than nothing.

deltaThis369 3y ago
I've considered this too, but, I work with too many non-religious freaks, that they're basically as guilty as the religious freaks, so I can't live two sides of the same coin.

hutzlibu 3y ago

"Think about it: what do most, non-autistic people, who don't-use-computers do on the weekend? They go to bars! They probably get laid, too!!" Bars and alcohol are not the only way. If you enjoy them, sure go for it. Otherwise join a sports club, go working out, start climbing, visit a gym, go dancing, join a music band, a choir, a hacker club. Anything where people are and where you enjoy the atmosphere. Or move somehwere, where activity hubs are closer, so the friction is less to actually go there.

deltaThis369 3y ago
right, I live too far from too many activity hubs. rural areas are great, to a certain extent.
- fragmede 3y ago
  That's a salient detail! Cities have their downsides but people put up with them for proximity to other people.

jraph 3y ago

I wish you the best luck in fixing this. I'm surrounded by many people, many of them I met in my choir. People around me had quite some luck joining swing lessons too. Maybe you could try something like this? Joining some dance, singing, drama, sport club, or some repair or activist community? In short, joining some group of people who share a common activity or common ideas / ideals? It also gives some easy starting point for discussions beside the weather. What works really well in my choir is that besides people being here also to meet new people, after rehearsal many of us stay/gather at a place where you can drink or eat (but are not forced too, it's fine just hanging out without taking anything). Could also be related to computing, though while I love the activity, I'm happy to spend some time with people outside it discussing other stuff. I have a lot of friends and I'm now quite self-confident, but I would be terrified to have to socialize with people in bars. Not to mention the noise. Unless most people are also specifically there to meet other people. (edit: but yeah, that works in a city, if you are in a remote area it can be tough. But still.) (not in the US)

lelandbatey 3y ago

Going out to bars isn't your only shot, and may not even be a good venue. Meet ups for hobbies though are almost universally fantastic places to meet folks.

ImPostingOnHN 3y ago

Before I moved to my current location, I created a meetup account for myself, here, and joined many meetup groups around varying personal and professional interests, along with some general social ones, some singles ones, and some age-range-based ones. I browsed the local subreddit, and a local, social events subreddit, and joined discord groups associated with both the meetups and the subreddits. When I actually moved, I forced myself to go to several each week, to bootstrap a physical social network from nothing. Some conclusions from this: - It's a lot of work at first, if you're not extroverted. I wasn't. You gotta force yourself to go out. - If you go to a particular meetup enough, you'll see some of the same people there, and can make friends, and can be a "regular", welcoming new folks into the friends if it's their first time. - If you go to multiple different meetups, you might find some other overlapping people, and can make friends. - If you go to meetups enough, you develop an "elevator pitch" for you as a person/friend/social creature, essentially you learn to introduce yourself without effort or anxiety. - Meetups are usually organized by normal folks, and you can help out with one or start your own, and this helps me feel a sense of local grounding and friendship. - Doing this is a great way to learn a new city, both the places and the streets. - "Are you with the meetup group?" when at a public venue is a good icebreaker and way to introduce yourself to people who are and also to people who aren't :) *- edited to clarify that this is an icebreaking, not a gatekeeping question

ghoogl 3y ago
[dead]

katabasis 3y ago

I don’t know what your particular interests are, but my suggestion would be to try to find some in-person group activities that align with something you are interested in. Take an art class at a community college, join a group for hikes/bike rides/sports, etc. I think this can be a low pressure way to meet a lot of people who you might at least have one or two things in common with. Casual acquaintances like this may or may not become the starting point for more “real” friendships but it’s a start.

TechnicolorByte 3y ago

Fairly relatable other than the fact that I wouldn’t consider myself an extrovert. I’m mostly WFH. Late 20s, single, don’t really have strong connections locally. Moved to SF a few years (COVID times…) which is a terrible time to move to a new place where you don’t know anybody. Have struggled to be outgoing since and have found it very hard to make connections. Granted I should be trying harder. What’s worse is that the few friend connections I have from earlier in life back home are all getting busier with their own lives/partners so it’s not like I get to see them often anyway. That’s been a hard hitting realization. Going to the office for a short while before COVID hit was really beneficial in retrospect since you meet a lot of people that way. Especially when you’re younger. As you said it seems like most people hang out at bars and such but I have no idea how to cold approach random people and talk them up. At this point I’m probably going to try apps like Meetup, Bumble BFF, FB Groups to make some friends. If anyone’s got suggestions I’m down to hear them.

Modified3019 3y ago

Look up local D&D groups (there's a reason it's only gotten more popular, also fun as hell with adequately decent people), or some kind of other hobby/activity group that provides the necessary pretext for complete strangers to meet without it being "weird". You can look up lists of hobbies, and just see if there's some group around. Dance lessons, communal gardening, gym/"rock" climbing (specifically, joining an “accountability group”), and even some intermittent volunteer activities (thought you want to be cautious of that one, as you are there for meeting people, not for something to do or be feel guilted into long term) are also some other things that are a possibility.

wheelerof4te 3y ago

"While we're all complaining about this, there are tons of people who use their smartphones to socialize every day. What are they doing that we don't?" They are doing what interests them, plain and simple. It's kind of a red flag to live without friends and say you are an extrovert. Extroverts usually try to meet other people, and have no problems approaching them. Have you tried being what you say you are? Introverts, on the other hand, prefer activities that involve a lot less human interaction. Any introvert that goes out of his/her way to meet people at bars, parties or what-have-you is not really an introvert.

pharmakom 3y ago

Join a non-affiliated cross fit gym. You will see the same crowd every week. After a while, maybe grab a coffee. Fellow regulars will become acquaintances and then friends. You will become more (conventionally) physically attractive, which will help with dating. Just try it, it will change your life.

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]