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Anecdata: I have been having a really difficult time relating and empathizing with new acquaintances (and even existing friends that I now see more often) in a

Anecdata: I have been having a really difficult time relating and empathizing with new acquaintances (and even existing friends that I now see more often) in a meaningful way. This became noticeable since the pandemic. I basically operate on a principle of being so disappointed with my interactions with people that I now invest my time and emotions in other things, which I know is not sustainable or healthy. But the experience of trying to get to know people lately has been repulsive. Not sure what else to do! (and before anyone mentions therapy, I’m way ahead of you.)

huytersd 3y ago
The key thing about friendships is being able to take the other person for granted and being completely comfortable/not giving a shit about what the other person thinks. Friends are extremely loyal to each other and you have to be able to trust that the other person will act in your best interest. Modern psychology will tell you all these things are wrong and it shows in the general population. Disregard modern advice on this issue which all revolve around increasing your guard and being mindful around people. That does not work.
- lhuser123 3y ago
  Interesting point. Not easy for some people but valuable insight nevertheless.
- tigerlily 3y ago
  Agreed, but remember not to confide in someone who is a blab. Close friends who maintain their scruples are the truly valuable ones.
- soulofmischief 3y ago
  I'm not sure if that tracks in the field. I am currently experiencing such a case where a friend I previously trusted 100% and considered loyal has turned into a complete psychopath on a self-destructive warpath in which I am in the square center. And I can list plenty of other such cases in my life. That said, I have some friendships which I do still put 100% in, and receive in kind, and I'm glad I have them. But I went through countless wasted relationships and hardships inflicted by others in order to know that these friends are the real ones. And I want to say that the process was worth it; But this idea that friends are extremely loyal to each other seems entirely unfounded in modern society. I recommend Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone which breaks down the problems modern America and Western society in general are facing regarding civil action, friendship and loyalty.
  - huytersd 3y ago
    “Putting in a 100%” is the exact opposite of what I’m recommending. You have to put in 0%, a friendship has to be effortless, something you don’t spend brain cycles on. A key part of this is being reasonable and level headed and making friends with the same mindset.
    - soulofmischief 3y ago
      But that stands in direct opposition with the claim > Friends are extremely loyal to each other and you have to be able to trust that the other person will act in your best interest. because you're trusting your friends will act with above 0% effort. I actually expect a lot of my friends, and they expect a lot of me. I'm not talking financially, or anything like that. I mean I expect them to be invested in the friendship itself. I don't care to associate with people who don't see friendships as investments. Things to be nurtured, protected, grown and depended upon. Many people are very OK with having such friendships but I am enough of an introvert that friendship has to give me some amount of value that is more than what I create for myself when left to my own devices. And that requires a level of commitment from myself well above 0%.
      - huytersd 3y ago
        It’s not contradictory. It takes zero effort to keep someone’s secrets. It takes almost no effort to chat with and hang out with someone that I’m comfortable with, atleast anecdotally. It takes zero effort to back someone wholeheartedly in a situation. On a tangent another thing between my friends and I is a constant stream of barbless insults. It keeps things light, fun and airy.

huytersd 3y ago

The key thing about friendships is being able to take the other person for granted and being completely comfortable/not giving a shit about what the other person thinks. Friends are extremely loyal to each other and you have to be able to trust that the other person will act in your best interest. Modern psychology will tell you all these things are wrong and it shows in the general population. Disregard modern advice on this issue which all revolve around increasing your guard and being mindful around people. That does not work.

lhuser123 3y ago
Interesting point. Not easy for some people but valuable insight nevertheless.
tigerlily 3y ago
Agreed, but remember not to confide in someone who is a blab. Close friends who maintain their scruples are the truly valuable ones.
soulofmischief 3y ago
I'm not sure if that tracks in the field. I am currently experiencing such a case where a friend I previously trusted 100% and considered loyal has turned into a complete psychopath on a self-destructive warpath in which I am in the square center. And I can list plenty of other such cases in my life. That said, I have some friendships which I do still put 100% in, and receive in kind, and I'm glad I have them. But I went through countless wasted relationships and hardships inflicted by others in order to know that these friends are the real ones. And I want to say that the process was worth it; But this idea that friends are extremely loyal to each other seems entirely unfounded in modern society. I recommend Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone which breaks down the problems modern America and Western society in general are facing regarding civil action, friendship and loyalty.
- huytersd 3y ago
  “Putting in a 100%” is the exact opposite of what I’m recommending. You have to put in 0%, a friendship has to be effortless, something you don’t spend brain cycles on. A key part of this is being reasonable and level headed and making friends with the same mindset.
  - soulofmischief 3y ago
    But that stands in direct opposition with the claim > Friends are extremely loyal to each other and you have to be able to trust that the other person will act in your best interest. because you're trusting your friends will act with above 0% effort. I actually expect a lot of my friends, and they expect a lot of me. I'm not talking financially, or anything like that. I mean I expect them to be invested in the friendship itself. I don't care to associate with people who don't see friendships as investments. Things to be nurtured, protected, grown and depended upon. Many people are very OK with having such friendships but I am enough of an introvert that friendship has to give me some amount of value that is more than what I create for myself when left to my own devices. And that requires a level of commitment from myself well above 0%.
    - huytersd 3y ago
      It’s not contradictory. It takes zero effort to keep someone’s secrets. It takes almost no effort to chat with and hang out with someone that I’m comfortable with, atleast anecdotally. It takes zero effort to back someone wholeheartedly in a situation. On a tangent another thing between my friends and I is a constant stream of barbless insults. It keeps things light, fun and airy.