15 ms·

Ask HN: How did you escape homelessness?

37 points by clubm8 3y ago

I have multiple degrees, I don't use hard drugs. I lost my job during COVID. My family pulled all support, leading me to be evicted due to nonpayment of rent. Flash forward, the folks I got tenure, internships, and jobs have not connected me with work. I lowered my standards and applied to things like dishwasher with no luck. I feel harassed, and exhausted my savings on a Bellingcat certification and verifying my eligibility for Italian citienship. Is that what I should do... emigrate back where I came from? I'm currently in a hotel that lacks basic anemities like a functioning shower, paid monthly by family who demand I "get a job" but don't help in that matter... when the medical advice I was given was to cut ties. This is complicated by things like being an activist but... I was a feminist. I was a hacker. I was kind to people. My heart is broken, and not in a romantic way -- they took advantage of me, always one offer at a time, forcing me back to have guns pointed at me and abuse hurled. Anyways, how did you escape this? Are there specific nonprofits in states other than PA? Did you speak to an embassy? How do I avoid a situation where I get as upset as I am right now and do something extreme? Everyone I met in this predicament, it was due to severe mental illness (like, schitzophrenia, etc) or a severe substance abuse issue. I took years off from drinking, and am perfectly capable of having just one Guiness socially. I struglle, some days, to contain my anxiety, because I'm literally homeless and I am that way because I wouldn't tolerate bad behaviors -- we removed some politicans, arrested others. It feels like I'm nudged down a dark path, and I wanted to ask for help -- someone posted a link ages ago for jobs for people with depression... They told me in grad school you're not depressed per se... you have C-PTSD... a series of events. I'm capable of controlling it, but... it requires not being reliant on handouts, or I have to make bad decisions like "eat a big breakfast of meats I found in a charity fridge, let my blood sugar drop having too much caffeine so I can wait til dinnertime to eat again because I can't afford to buy food in the place that's nice enough to give me hot water if I sit in the corner" Are folks willing to help? Or am I just a signal in the noise to be discarded when I'm no longer useful? I've never killed or raped anyone. I'm not a monster. Why won't anyone help me?

lusus_naturae 3y ago
What keeps you from being employed as a store clerk or something like that? Is it citizenship issues? Have you tried remote work sites, or something like upwork? Is there an unemployment office near you? It might even be your location, per my understanding jobs are more abundant in urban or close-to-urban areas, but require having a car or housing in that area. What if you secured a job first via an unemployment office (don't mention activism stuff, or political stuff), and then apply for something like housing for low-income folk? Just some suggestions. I suggest doing odd jobs for the couple helping you, as it might at least help them understand you're not exploiting them. Good luck. Edit: not sure if the tone of my message is coming out right, but its not meant to be judgmental or challenging you :)
- throwaway447 3y ago
  The citizenship issues are not clear. I thought that he is American, Canadian or something and is trying to get Italian citizenship due to family ties. > Did you speak to an embassy? This was an odd question from him. Working without a home is very difficult. Also, your expenses are much higher. (Can't cook at home etc.)
- clubm8 3y ago
  > What keeps you from being employed as a store clerk or something like that? Is it citizenship issues? I mean, like many people I'm not best suited to working a register if I can code in bash and python. It's the typical issues when you're raised Catholic, have to rely on family for support. I'm a US citizen and eligible for an Italian passport, but I don't have the funds to continue the process.
  - awesomeMilou 3y ago
    > if I can code in bash and python I'm sorry to reverse the take a bit here, but what makes you think that these qualifications deserve a job as an SWE? These aren't sought after languages - pretty much anyone with a pulse and three working brain cells can be a python programmer these days (no offense to any professional python devs here, but I doubt your main qualification in your CV is "python programmer"). It's the same for bash. Do you have any formal education? Qualifications? A degree?
    - clubm8 3y ago
      I could be an analyst. I have a master's (PhD ABD) and have worked as a pentester, I was laid off prior to covid.
      - awesomeMilou 3y ago
        Oh. Apologies then, I sounded a little harsh there. Do you have an academic network you could reach out to? Maybe a former prof or some colleagues? I found that networking via people I knew from uni usually worked best. It's also okay to be a little bit pushy, i.e. reach out to someone daily. Just be sure to stay nice, explain your situation. Can I ask what your degree is in? EDIT: I just read your credentials from one of your other comments. My guy, I am sorry to hear that things aren't going so smoothly right now, but with your references, ever considered reaching out to european employers for a work visa? I.e. a reverse H1B if you will? If you have a legit claim on italian citizenship, you could get a job in central europe, work here for a few months and then change citizenship in an italian embassy. You'd instantly be Schengen recognized, meaning you could work in _every_ EU country and you could migrate to italy, where you would have access to healthcare. Other than that, I'd agree with the rest of the posts here, mainly because I have little experience on US specifics when it comes to social welfare.
georgeobama 3y ago
Living a non-conforming lifestyle is completely fine, from a position of power. But from a position of desperation (eg, homelessness, joblessness, etc) it is far more advisable to try to conform more to whatever local standards exist for you - in terms of style of hair, clothes, speech, etc - and completely drop anything controversial such as political activism.
mynameishere 3y ago
The advice is always the same for these situations: "Pull yourself together." It sounds so mean, but nothing else will work.
- wnolens 3y ago
  This advice is meaningless
  - clubm8 3y ago
    I'm happy to take specific suggestions on employers to speak with, temp agencies, etc.
    - deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
rl1987 3y ago
What kind of cert do you have from Bellingcat? Maybe you can do some freelance OSINT work?
beebmam 3y ago
Are you in the US? There are an unbelievable amount of food service job openings that pay extremely well for that work ($15+ hourly plus tips). I personally know a few business owners that are desperate to hire.
- clubm8 3y ago
  If you have specific suggestions I will speak to them.
TotalCrackpot 3y ago
Maybe check living in a car like station vagon, suv or a van. There is a community around that lifestyle, they make money through food delivery in the car. There are subreddits on reddit on this lifestyle, maybe it can help you survive and find other options with time. Maybe you can check out anarchist squats, maybe they are where you are, maybe they can give you a place to sleep.
merth 3y ago
obviously It wont help from that moment you evicted but if you dont have emergency funds to cover your next 12 months, I would downsize on life style, even go vanlife to save up to secure short term feature atleast.
- clubm8 3y ago
  > obviously It wont help from that moment you evicted but if you dont have emergency funds to cover your next 12 months, I would downsize on life style, even go vanlife to save up to secure short term feature atleast. How am I supposed to save up if no one connects me with anything but nonprofit work then ratfucks me like CDT did?
wnolens 3y ago
I don't know. But I would prioritize any job whatsoever, regardless of location. If you're in a hotel paid by family, then you can swing a bus ticket/cheap flight. While there is higher cost of living in cities, there's way more jobs. You can live far out and commute via public transit. Your family is saving your life right now. So folks ARE willing to help. Keep them informed as to your efforts so they don't get resentful.
- clubm8 3y ago
  >But I would prioritize any job whatsoever, regardless of location. >Your family is saving your life right now. So folks ARE willing to help. Keep them informed as to your efforts so they don't get resentful. My family also smashed my laptop and threatened to kill me for supporting the wrong political candidate. I was told by the therapist who got me the initial weed card to avoid contact if at all possible. I'm a domestic violence victim, trapped here by folks who won't give me the ability to earn the money to leave.
throwaway447 3y ago
Dude, I am in a similar situation but I know how to get back to my feed. Big question: How old are you? This makes a big difference. > Is that what I should do... emigrate back where I came from? No, but you should write down ALL options that you have. Italian citizenship is not bad, it would allow you to work in all EU countries. Also, this can be a 2 year gig. Gets you back on your feet, that's it. Were you born in the US? Based on your post I am not 100% sure. Also, you don't specify what kind of degrees you have. IT? Teaching English in China would also be an option. PS: Travis, is this you?
- clubm8 3y ago
  I was born in Pittsburgh. I was born in the late 80s.
  - throwaway447 3y ago
    This is comparably young, that is GOOD. Some people here in the thread are suspecting mental issues. Please take this very seriously even if you think you are fine. Please consider getting medical help.
drycobbler 3y ago
> I don't use hard drugs Do you use cannabis? Your writing suggests to me (not a medical health professional but a family member to a person with mental health struggles) that you might be experiencing thought disorder, which is a sign of psychosis. In some people, cannabis use (including after a long period of use with no apparent negative effects) can cause substance abuse psychosis. Thought disorder can also be a sign of other non-drug-related psychotic spectrum disorders, like bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, and schizophrenia. If you use soft drugs, consider taking a prolonged abstinence to see if your functioning improves. Regardless of substance use, consider talking to a mental health professional. In Pennsylvania, the National Alliance on Mental Illness has a helpline for people undergoing mental health crises: 1-888-264-7972
- clubm8 3y ago
  I'm no longer willing to, since I was harassed repeatedly when I did exactly as you describe. I'm not going to pay to turn my phone on when I'm preparing for emigration. It's been FOUR years. I can show you photos of my wounds, and photos of the laptop that was smashed. This is an economic issue, not a psychological issue. Lack of reoccuring income, paired with years of only one job offer at a time after interviews masquarading as free consulting sessions. What I need is a job, and a place to spend money from my job on rent. (Right now, the only "drug" I'm using is caffeine... in the past, a small bit, then cannabis in the evening helped, but... Mike Folmer's people harassed me. You know who that is, if you're from PA.) Are you willing to help with these things, now that I've explained how I tried the typical options?
  - beebmam 3y ago
    I don't believe you that you can't get a job, sorry. This is the best job market in my lifetime for laborers. My roommate, who hasn't worked in 10 years, got the very first job she applied for, no questions asked, $17/hour with tips, prepping food at a restaurant. There are an enormous number of job openings like this.
    - clubm8 3y ago
Nzen 3y ago
I can't speak from personal experience, but Jessica Kent has a video [0] describing how she was able to rebuild her life post-prison. It's not quite the same, but ex-convicts in the US definitely have to work against stigma to eke out a living and shelter. I'll be frank, though, there is definitely a lot of luck. [0] https://youtu.be/4y0EoVooPIg?si=PzXw3DsNa_mp5dpH&t=26 https://youtu.be/4y0EoVooPIg?si=PzXw3DsNa_mp5dpH&t=26 10 min, time is after the preamble.
- clubm8 3y ago
  I have never been convicted of a crime. Maybe I should do crime, then get the sympathy criminals get? I'm not sure I follow your logic.
  - pcthrowaway 3y ago
    You seem to be in a somewhat reactionary state right now, so it might help if the parallels are made a bit more clear. People getting out of prison: * Have an employment gap in their work history * Are overcoming stigma that makes it difficult for them to get most kinds of jobs * Have to overcome the catch-22 of trying to find a decent place to sleep while also trying to find money to afford such a place * Don't generally have a ton of connections for entering the non-criminal workforce * Often don't have property or other assets coming out of prison While you don't have a criminal record, and therefore may have to overcome different types of stigma, it sounds like you share all of these. It does sound like you have a place to stay at the moment, and some assets (a laptop?), so in some ways you may be even be able to skip a step or two of the advice that might be in that video.
    - Nzen 3y ago
      I endorse this assessment of why I linked that Jessica Kent video. tl;dr She focused on convincing an employer to try her out on a job with a sales commission, so she could earn money at a multiple of her time, to save as much as she could. She directly invoked sympathy to get the first landlord to take a chance on her. But, she only found someone willing after several months under the somewhat exploitative regime of them insisting she pay for her own background check that - given her history - knew might set them off. The commission-based job is the insight I gleaned from the video that isn't trite ('keep trying'). You might, nonetheless feel some commiseration of someone who had almost nothing. I also acknowledge that there is survivor bias in pointing at her story, when many other ex-convicts had a harder time that did include homelessness or return to prison.
ahazred8ta 3y ago
> multiple degrees Okay, good. What are your degrees? In what? Note: there are temp-to-perm agencies that fill white-collar office jobs; that might keep you afloat while you're looking
- clubm8 3y ago
  Name a specific one to talk to. The last treated my interviews as free consulting sessions. I actually had professors at two different local unis say apply to this or that then never heard back. I am happy to take specific suggestions, but I struggle with executive dysfunction when folks have me try the same things over and over without any fruitful result.
  - ahazred8ta 3y ago
    What subjects are your degrees in, and what state are you located in?
brandall10 3y ago
"Everyone I met in this predicament, it was due to severe mental illness (like, schitzophrenia, etc) or a severe substance abuse issue." I understand your situation can be incredibly stressful, but have you been evaluated by a mental health professional? I see quite a few disconnected thoughts here that I'm having trouble making sense of. In addition notions of being persecuted, discarded, etc, esp. linked to taking part in social causes. I'm certainly not a medical professional myself but it seems similar to a schizophrenic I've known in the past. It might be the case that getting a handle on this, esp. if it comes to a medical intervention, might be a good first step. Also just a note, the mention of "hard drugs"... if you're doing anything w/ THC I would stop that immediately as it can greatly exacerbate symptoms.
- sshine 3y ago
  > if you're doing anything w/ THC I would stop that immediately I would say the same. I don’t get any schizo vibe, though. Only a great deal of feeling victimised. >> am I just a signal in the noise to be discarded when I'm no longer useful? […] Why won't anyone help me? It sounds like you feel abandoned by your family and that this keeps you in such a distressed state that it prevents you from operating. It may be that you are quite alone in this world right now. I would suggest finding someone locally that you can connect to, who can guide you to a path where you feel emotionally secure. If this is how you enter a job interview, you need to cover your bases in Maslow’s pyramid a bit more. I understand the dichotomy, but the root cause is emotional, not economic.
  - drycobbler 3y ago
    [flagged]
    - clubm8 3y ago
      >Yesterday they commented about warning the CIA. A personal preoccupation with the CIA is a common delusion for Americans. Sean "vilerat" Smith connected me with my PhD. I worked for a CMU professor prior to grad school. I had multiple people advise me I should do NSA or State. Please don't conflate having had too much tea with psychosis, especially when it's someone like me who literally sat down with someone from the CERT insider threat team for coffee to discuss career paths pre-Snowden.
david-gpu 3y ago
You ask for help, but you don't tell us the sort of information we would need to help: - Where are you? - What education do you have? - What work experience do you have? - What other marketable skills do you have, if any? - What family and friends do you have that could provide any support?
- clubm8 3y ago
  > Where are you? Pittsburgh, PA > What education do you have? PhD ABD Security Informatics >What work experience do you have? Mozila and PARC, UX Researcher, Pentester at Tech Impact >What other marketable skills do you have, if any? In addition to numerous UX research papers I can code in bash and python, and do light C/C++ perl and a few others (basially, enough to understand and deploy a vuln) >What family and friends do you have that could provide any support? None really -- I had a small social circle and went to college in the town I grew up in, folks moved away. My family is homophobic and abusive -- I just had one of my family members make a show of giving me an Aldi's gift card and deny remembering a Halloween parade where one of the mafia types I had voted out of office wandered the parade handing out fifty cent pieces to children. (Before we had legal casinos here). If you want, I can send you a CV -- and I'm happy to take something other than some TS:SCI I got the impression RAND and CERT treated my interviews as free consulting sessions, so they're no longer on my list. Any other questions?
  - yowlingcat 3y ago
    > I got the impression RAND and CERT treated my interviews as free consulting sessions, so they're no longer on my list. Any other questions? Given how much of a professional failure you are, why do you believe that these failures are due to conspirational environmental factors rather than your own inability to execute? What makes you think your "free consulting sessions" would contribute rather than erode value?
  - Nextgrid 3y ago
    Please edit this and remove any company names. You'll be grateful later when you look back and realise some of the ramblings you've posted here are not flattering and you'd rather not have potential employers/business connections being able to find it.
strangesmells02 3y ago
> I'm currently in a hotel that lacks basic anemities like a functioning shower, paid monthly by family How does a hotel not have a shower? You sound depressed and you need to get numb and stoic and practical and focus on survival. Be grateful for minor successes and when people help you but dont indulge in all these negative emotions your expressing in your post...they are delusional. All that matters to you right now is your practical day to day survival. You will need to find a free shower. In the past I've used gym showers, shelter showers, beach showers, campground showers, marina showers, university gym showers, friends showers, etc. Call around and see if you can find a shower. Alot of times places like the YMCA or community center's or homeless shelters have sliding scale memberships. You have to call and explain your situation and see if you can het a free membership. Many times if they cant help they can guide you to someone who does. You need food. Look around for soup kitchens, food banks, church food lines, apply for food stamps. Most cities in America and I imagine Europe is similar..have a place you can go and apply for government social safety net services like food stamps, medical care, job search support... and they will give you a caseworker who can guide you through social safety net options your region offers. Overall I need to emphasize...you need to remain stoic and practical all of these depressed thoughts youre posting are wrong and will destroy what limited confidence you have.
- clubm8 3y ago
  >How does a hotel not have a shower? The staff keep refusing to clean, and it lacks the safety bar and a few ther things. >You need food. Look around for soup kitchens, food banks, church food lines, apply for food stamps. The last time I tried to use those systems, they had IT errors... IT errors I could have solved, but people kept insisting I was mentally ill... because I had no job. Can you see how this becomes circular logic quickly?
  - strangesmells02 3y ago
    Are you prescibed any medications from doctors in the past? Either youre trolling or you have some delusional thinking which is a symptom of schizophrenia of some other form of thought disorder.
  - 3y ago
RcouF1uZ4gsC 3y ago
> My family pulled all support, leading me to be evicted due to nonpayment of rent. > Flash forward, the folks I got tenure, internships, and jobs have not connected me with work. One thing that may be helpful is to work on your relationships. Something is making them go sour, and trying to find out why is going to reap big dividends.
- clubm8 3y ago
  Because I'm not a nazi or a pedophile. We had our state rep arrested, as was one of the police who responded when I called after my laptop was smashed by one of my parents. I'll edit in citations shortly Edit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Folmer#Arrest,_resignation,_and_aftermath https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Folmer#Arrest,_resignatio... https://www.wpxi.com/news/local/former-collier-township-police-officer-behind-bars-violating-probation/N6UOUSNDRFGGTDPT6UFE3TVYKY/ https://www.wpxi.com/news/local/former-collier-township-poli...
Nextgrid 3y ago
You mention you don't use drugs but then you start talking about being an activist, potentially doing something extreme, and looking for "jobs for people with depression". The problem is that all of this still screams "baggage". Maybe not as bad as a hard drug problem or criminal record, but it's still "baggage" that nobody would want to deal with when there's plenty of other people that either don't have it or hide it well enough. When you're looking for help and handouts, "going against the grain" is not a successful strategy, so you need to put all the activism/strong morals/etc aside and never bring it up. Make up a believable backstory about yourself that doesn't bring any of this up nor raise suspicions to explain your predicament to potential employers (someone with degrees in knowledge work applying for menial work is more surprising than a blue-collar worker) and use that to slowly rebuild. > Is that what I should do... emigrate back where I came from? If I had to choose I'd rather be homeless in Europe than the US. The latter is a country where fucking the little people is considered good business and so much existing business relies on that, where moneyed interests have effectively seized control of the government and where the general groupthink would be against (or can easily be convinced to go against) anything that would help the little people in fear that it would be "socialism" - definitely not a good place for someone in this position.
- clubm8 3y ago
  That's part of the issue -- I'm a former altar server who joined the DSA when my NRA dad smashed my laptop. My activissm got the mayor replaced and a state senator arrested. One of the township police who kept insisting I need to not make my dad aangry if I don't want firearms pointed at me got arrested for talking to too many teenagers on the internet. I was hoping to find allies here, but everyone is a libertarian or a jerk apparently. (No offense, but absent specific suggestions... I'm angry)
  - Nextgrid 3y ago
    You need to put politics aside, right now you need all the help you can get, regardless of whom it comes from. Is there a way to mend the relationship with your family by being open and pretending to be interest/supporting of their political views? That would actually be the best outcome, not just in the short term but also in the future as it would give you a healthy relationship with your family. It also sounds like your activism definitely ruffled some feathers and upset the status-quo in your community which isn't great if you now want help from said community. Even if your morals were just, this at the very least screams "troublemaker" which no employer would take a chance on if they have plenty of other candidates with no such "baggage". Getting back on track with your family might also be a gateway for you to re-engage with your local community and make yourself a good name beyond being a troublemaker who got a bunch of people fired/arrested.
cc101 3y ago
For some folks finding a position as a camp host can help ease one's distress. Campers are almost always relaxed, friendly, and out to have a good time. The campground, itself, is usually a beautiful and pleasant place to be. While it's only for part of the year and doesn't solve all one's issues (food for example), it can help move one's life forward.
- clubm8 3y ago
  If you have specific suggestions, I enjoy that kind of work, the main reason I don't say, work at a hostel is I lack th EU passport, as I mentioned in the thread.
  - Nextgrid 3y ago
    Where are you right now? You mention being a US citizen - why would you need a EU passport to get such a job in the US?
  - cc101 3y ago
    In the US and the season is almost over. Perhaps there is something in the South, New Mexico, or Arizona. The first step is read the blurb on the Forest Service website. You want to try for an interview with the responsible FS employee. The job varies. For me it's just go around twice a day and check receipts and inform people of regulations for which I get a free campsite with water, sewer, and electricity. Other positions my require work like cleaning restrooms for which you would receive a small salary. Good luck!
MollyRealized 3y ago
I'd like to summarize what you speak of above. * Career: You have multiple degrees, lost work during COVID19, have Bellingcat certification, and have not been able to find any new employment, including physical low-level jobs like dishwasher. Savings: You indicate you were evicted from your home after your family withdrew support, but despite the phrase 'withdrew support', seem to also indicate they are funding the monthly bill for your current long-term hotel. You have no savings. Emotion: You have CPTSD, you feel anxious/fearful, you have low hope, and you feel betrayed and taken advantage of. Substance Abuse: you are drinking, but not using hard drugs. Health: Due to the blood sugar comment, I'm presuming you may have diabetes, or blood sugar issues. * I'm going to make some suggestions. I'm entering into a bit of a colder mode as I write this. Because of this, I want to pre-emptively say that I DO have empathy for you; it's just the place I go when I try to channel survivalism instincts. * PHYSICAL It is often easy to believe our body and our mind are separate; that our soul is different from our body. But alcohol is a depressant. Low blood sugar will make you sad and angry. In both those cases, those feelings will not feel like they come from your biology; you will feel you have perfect mental/emotional reasons to feel that way. So, for this first item: First, I would suggest at this point you vow to not take another drink, at least for now, and only resume at some far future point where your life is stable, where you feel well, and, most importantly, where you've talked the decision over with a mental health professional, to rule out any concern of addiction. This is not criticism of you; this is a survivalist decision. I had a friend literally drink himself to organ failure and die. Every person in the world will claim they can manage their illness. (Also, alcohol makes your blood sugar drop. Your liver stops working on producing glucose, as it gives higher priority to the poison (alcohol). As such, since it's not producing glucose any more, your blood sugar drops.) Second, go to a free health clinic, and have someone there test your A1C. It will tell you what your blood sugar's been over the last three months. I suspect your blood sugar isn't stable. If it's constantly too low, you will feel sad, shaky, angry, and you can't operate. If it's constantly too high, there's many other issues. If it's stable, then good. (As a side note, only AFTER you know that your blood sugar isn't too high -- and don't think that that's solely food-related -- most pharmacies sell little packs of glucose tablets about the size of a Life Savers roll, back near the pharmacy, as well as larger jars. For simply addressing the low sugar concern, they are useful.) CAREER To me, I see the lack of ability to get manual work like dishwashing as a flag that something may be wrong with how you are presenting yourself at job interviews. As such, if there is anyone who is the kind of person who is in the job-seeking or "day-to-day" world -- perhaps shelter management, perhaps somewhere else -- who can give you a honest opinion, try that. I have seen people who are well-meaning but who have one fatal flaw in how they present themselves that will torpedo any interview they go to. I am guessing you may have one, and you may simply need someone to tell you so you can correct it. You basically need to find someone who will let you do practice interviews and give you feedback -- and then take that feedback, with no ego. What you're used to - or what you think worked for you - isn't any longer, so you need to follow others' advice. After that, if I were in your circumstance, I'd look for this - perhaps a Walmart worker, perhaps a dishwasher, perhaps something - and work that job until you have a modicum of stability on a lower level than perhaps you're used to pre-layoff. Once you have a moderate income coming in, then start to look at your resume and your work in the field you wish to return to. Start applying to those, but do so when the pressure has been removed from you in terms of day-to-day living by your interim job. It will mean you will come across as more self-assured and relaxed at an interview, and these translate to positive impressions. INTERIM ADVICE Go to Reddit. Look at /r/povertyfinance, /r/assistance, /r/homeless, /r/almosthomeless, /r/food_pantry. Libraries have also become tremendous resources for those in dire need, including homeless. Go to your nearest one. Ask if they have resources they might suggest. Only in the reddest of states -- and maybe not even there, as most librarians are good everywhere -- might you encounter any unpleasant responses. MENTAL ATTITUDE As someone with /r/CPTSD herself (and yes, Reddit has a /r/CPTSD forum that is very good), as someone who has definitely despaired and been a month or two away from losing it all, I will tell you that I personally have experienced much (not all) of what you've gone through. It is extremely, extremely easy to say to yourself that you have lost control. That you are helpless, and that you are having things done to you. For me, I have coped through a sort of internal "parts work" or "Internal Family Systems" concept -- basically, in that I mentally assign roles to different people in my head. I don't mean this to insult anyone who legitimately struggles with DID, but I have done a lot of emotional coping in my life by having people inside me argue. And, as I suggested above, what I think might be of benefit to you is to let a cold, iron controller take control of you. Let them say damn the world, you are taking control of your life. There is a poem out there called 'Invictus'. It is public domain, and free on Wikipedia. It ends with: "I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul." Hang it on your wall. Say that you will seize control. Things won't be done to you; you will do. That doesn't mean act on every emotion; a captain doesn't just madly stake a claim to steer into the rocks and demand everyone follow him into the crash. But take your compass and plot your course, then steer your ship. STEER YOUR SHIP. Seize the wheel. I wish you luck.
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ofcourseyoudo 3y ago
Multiple times in these comments you've intimated a threat to someone. Look at the language you are using in response to some people here that have put genuine effort into trying to help you. You straight up sound crazy. If any of the tangential things you've thrown into your comments on this topic leaked into an interview I wouldn't dream of hiring you. I don't care what PhD you have, if I've hired you as a dishwasher and then you say, "Thanks I need this job because my family won't support me because I'm not a pedophile" I'm pulling that job offer ASAP. Until you recognize that you are leaking tells of mental health issue with almost every response on this page (and are no doubt displaying the same behavior in in-person interactions), you are going to be a very difficult hire. And it's no one's job on HN to connect you to a recruiter; based on your writing here I can't imagine anyone here would vouch for you with their reputation.
meiraleal 3y ago
I have been there, including the path of blaming others for my issues. I became homeless for some time after going this "activist" route, fighting family and friends after going broke because of a failed startup. My "solution" at the time, not very wise, was to double down the issue, joined a project in a left wing movement that fights for land rights for the poor, MST. It was very risky, I'm glad things worked out well in the end as I used my tech knowledge to help the project meanwhile getting a job and a place to live in a shared house of other hackers and creators. But not without some big fights and situations that could have got me killed. So not sure if I would recommend going down the "activism" route. Sometimes people think they can change the world but aren't capable to help their family and friends - and actually expect help from them. Maybe it is time for you to connect with the people that you are demanding help from.
yowlingcat 3y ago
> Are folks willing to help? Or am I just a signal in the noise to be discarded when I'm no longer useful? I've never killed or raped anyone. I'm not a monster. And yet you seem to have no problem making threats to random people on the internet. If you do this on the internet, who knows what you do in real life? I wouldn't say what you're doing is that much better, and to be frank you are on the way to becoming a "monster" if you aren't already one. You certainly are not employable right now. The fact that you have been hurt by other people who have acted like monsters doesn't excuse that; rather, that's generally how "monsters" are created (the cycle of suffering). Many people have suffered the kind of trauma you have suffered but without going in the direction you have gone with your life. The sooner you recognize that, the better. You've made a lot of excuses for your poor life decisions that you blame on your family, on people you used to work for, on those who have wronged you, on really everyone but yourself. You haven't taken responsibility for the direction your life has taken. Until you do that, why would the direction of your life ever change? After all, you're mistakenly believing other people have the power to change something about your life that only you can change. I'm not a doctor. But, as others have mentioned in this thread, it really doesn't seem like you're okay. And it seems like you either are not in the right state of mind to understand your own problems, or you are in denial of them, or maybe a little of both. You wouldn't ask Reddit what to do about a gunshot wound you received; you'd call 911 and take yourself to a hospital. Your current situation may be more similar to that than you may realize. You really need to speak to a clinician; it's possible that psychiatric medication or some other kind of other clinical intervention could help save your life. But again -- only you can make that choice.
throwaway1502 3y ago
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clubm8 3y ago

>I understand your situation can be incredibly stressful, but have you been evaluated by a mental health professional? Yes -- part of the issue was here was that the local health care monopoly doesn't really have a vested interest in helping, since the candidate I got elected immediately went through >t might be the case that getting a handle on this, esp. if it comes to a medical intervention, might be a good first step. Also just a note, the mention of "hard drugs"... if you're doing anything w/ THC I would stop that immediately as it can greatly exacerbate symptoms. I've had the opposite experience -- THC helps when alaprazolam (which I had a script for) -- but if you accept a medical card, people start interacting in ways I hadn't encountered since the 90s. I was told I should get a job, avoid my family but... the HN crowd didn't help, so I have days like today where I have too much caffeine and it comes off as much more mentally ill. (I had been told I'd be starting as a dishwasher on Monday. Someone yanked the offer. I'd have preferred to take a xanax or a joint, and instead I ended up pouding tea and reading to wait for the rain to pass... kind of a least worse decision) I actually got the original medical card via a therapist. Again, this is a situation where folks gamify my ability to make good decisions. It's shitty, and extortionary, and makes me less sympathetic when folks spaz out like the tree of life guy did.

drycobbler 3y ago
Call the mental health crisis line, please. You don’t need to stop cannabis because it’s bad or you are bad. Stopping cannabis will help you achieve your goal of a stable living situation with stable employment. Please try it.
- clubm8 3y ago
  I'm not on cannabis? I feel like you're telling me to not use things that help. (I regret not keeping the alaprazolam script, but... when you take that drug, you're set up for twice the anxiety when it wears off) I'm angry and frustrated I'm economically precarious, and have folks like you say "call a crisis line" when I tried that prior -- I was forced to rely on my (abusive) family for support. Do you want to extend help, or be adversarial? I can be adversarial if you prefer that. Or maybe... crazy idea, someone connects me with a recruiter :-)
  - drycobbler 3y ago
    I definitely want to extend help. If your interviewers see that your speech and thoughts are unusual, you won’t get a job. If you get a job, you won’t be able to keep it. If your goal is to get a job and be housed, seeking mental help treatment can help you succeed in that goal.
    - clubm8 3y ago
      >If your goal is to get a job and be housed, seeking mental help treatment can help you succeed in that goal. I have spoken to these places prior -- they did not do as they promised, it's why we replaced the myor. I'd prefer to leave Pittsburgh if folks are going to insist I "get treatment" that consists of... listing off traumas to some woman who bills for speaking to me then goes off to spend it on things I never was able to afford up til our connecting. >I definitely want to extend help. If your interviewers see that your speech and thoughts are unusual, you won’t get a job. I'm on the autisti spectrum, I can do an interview. In fact, I've had people question the autism due to charm. My blood sugar is low, I skipped lunch due to lack of funds and it's raining here so I couldn't walk to the grocer I have a card for. Keep in mind... I'm an edge case. I knew Vilerat. I worked for an EFF board member. I'm a literal dissident. I'm worried folks are confussing... the kinds of anxiety and depression that stem from being bullied out of CDT in 2016 and into a violent home you never were able to escape from... and... the type of mental illness that is present even in happy times. People like say, Richard Baumhaummers(sp?), who shot up the Indian grocer down the road from where I used to get my haircut... he didn't go to Waterfall and have a nice vodka mate. He didn't go to the Louvre. He was all insane, all the time, in a way that wasn't due to drugs or alcohol. I feel like people like you are not listening to me, that I am worried people are not interacting in good faith, and that I'm scared I will not react diplomatically to this pattern continuing.
      - Nextgrid 3y ago
        > I have spoken to these places prior -- they did not do as they promised, it's why we replaced the myor. Sounds like you definitely made a name for yourself and even though the underlying morals of your activism might be good this doesn't lessen the impact on your local community so it might be that you are effectively "persona non grata" there? > I'm on the autisti spectrum, I can do an interview. I second what the parent comment said - your thoughts are indeed unusual based on your writings here. > Keep in mind... I'm an edge case. I knew Vilerat. I worked for an EFF board member. I'm a literal dissident. Don't know who that is, but either way being an edge-case and dissident isn't something to be proud of for someone in your situation. You need to sweep all of this under the carpet and not bring it up ever until you get back on track. Lie and make up a believable backstory if necessary. > People like say, Richard Baumhaummers(sp?), who shot up the Indian grocer down the road from where I used to get my haircut... he didn't go to Waterfall and have a nice vodka mate. He didn't go to the Louvre. > He was all insane, all the time, in a way that wasn't due to drugs or alcohol. > I am worried people are not interacting in good faith, and that I'm scared I will not react diplomatically to this pattern continuing. Bringing these things up is completely irrelevant and weird which would put people off. The last bit especially is unnecessary - what are you hoping to achieve with such a threat? Do you just want people to tell you what you want to hear and reaffirm your misguided thoughts? That might make you feel better but won't help you get off the streets. Based on the above you absolutely have a communication problem (and maybe indeed a mental health problem that you should seek help for) and I think this might be the reason you've basically lost touch with everyone despite name-dropping some pretty famous companies you've been involved with?
  - deleted 3y ago
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brandall10 3y ago
This is hard to follow, even reading between the lines. People can't see inside your head to understand the context behind these thoughts. Communication like this will scare off future employers and social contacts. More the incoherency than the tone of being depressed or negative (which also aren't great, but this is worse). Caffeine does not cause this. If you don't address this your situation will not improve. You must acknowledge something is not right with your mental state - that it is cognitive and not a mood disorder - and focus on getting the help you need. Please speak with a social worker if you feel you've gotten insufficient medical care to this point. I wish you well.

clubm8 3y ago
You seem like you replied sincerely... so I will. Luck should not be a factor in this context. I apologize for any miscommunications up to this moment. I am not "a month or two from losing it all"... but I am a month or two away from liquidating my retirement account, and using the points I intended on a honeymoon on a one way exit from this poor excuse for a democracy. I apologize for posting when I hadn't eaten -- it's a problem for me -- I skip a meal, let my blood sugar get low, feel triggered by something on the news, and... get into it in the comments. You didn't give me what I wanted, and neither did a single other person in quite a large thread, hence my anger. What I was hoping for is one of the many so called anarchists, leftists, or progressives who have hired me in an allegedly nonprofit capacity would connect me with work that lifts me out of precarity rather than give out narcan, condoms, and weed cards designed to disarm the vulnerable and allow their exploiters to bill for services more akin to extortion than mental health treatment. I shouldn't have been coy: I wanted leads. Many people visit the so called Paris of Appalachia, and over time I've tired of the ones who ignore why we have negative population growth as they sit saying things in 2022 they should have said in 2013 -- or sooner.[0,1,2] I don't really need mental health resources -- I used the copy of "The Relaxation Response"[3] the last decent therapist I had gave me this morning. I'm good to go. (And if you get that reference... that... outside joke that's also an inside joke... I hope we are forever on the same page.) Someone could easily point me someplace to be CSO, or someplace to be generic security engineer number N -- my last role, I automated portions of my job with free tools to replace the ones they were paying for. But it never lead anywhere, hence... getting angry. Because I felt Tom Sawyered -- one too many times the football had been yanked, not by some kinkster on the side of the road with a cardboard sign but by supposedly liscenced professionals who treat posts like I'm about to make as some kind of... terroristic threat, rather than a very kind explanation of what makes people extremists and how to avoid situations like October 2020, the last time I took off the mask and spoke in the real. Instead, we have people who created the conditions we are now, wars, refugees, people with ill behaved dogs and/or children wandering the café like they own it... showing up at the finish line to try and give justtt enough aid to avoid Star Trek style Bell Riots[4,5]. That's why I said and did the things I did. This is an emergency, it has been an emergency since my own father smashed the laptop I was studying for OSCP on after I was forced out of the Center for Democracy & Technology for refusing to weaken web, since unlike when I was a teenager, I'm not a few strokes shy of script kiddie. I'm the guy they took to the range on Pearl Harbor Day to practice firing a 1911, one bullet at a time, center mass,. I'm the guy who put my backups into a safe deposit box, then told the ringmaster at Atterbury I was considering buying a gun, without stating why, and rented a Glock .40 because a .357 has too much kick, even if it's one with a longer barrel. I'm the guy who walked into an open mic he saw on a pole and declared "I'm not an Israeli spy, and I will not be gone in the night -- electricity, like driving, is a privilege -- if you stop having elections you will stop having power, in every sense of the word". If am a your enemy, you are a totalitarian, and deserve to get down on your knees and thank whatever entity you please that I have only used my WORDs. And then BE HELPFUL, or be OUT OF MY FEED. (The royal you, the generic you, not you in the HN parent sense) So to be utterly CRYSTAL clear, having type this up and looked it over before hitting post since you don't seem like you're being unhelpful on purpose: I don't need mental health resources. Our new mayor's assistant was tear gassed when we replaced the old with one who will hold the abusive nonprofit that has a monopoly on mental health care to account. People seem to think I'm literally a communist. Under communism, we would have taken folks like the ones I named that night and fired a volley of AK shots into their skulls like they were the Ceaușescus. As I said in October 2020: your post-Columbine threat model is broken, we were made in the 80s, began to form memories as the USSR fell. We are not your caregivers, we are not your friends, and if you abuse your access we will laugh when you end up in the ground with Jeffrey goddamn Epstein. My father used to talk a lot, before his Alzheimers, about working for Carter[1], in the same tone I spoke of volunteering for Bernie -- "if things had been different" and your voice trails off, as you realize it's been a long time since you felt sincerity. e lived next door the the Democratic Chairman of Allegheny County, and Mr. Stevens told my dad if you want to do anything beyond the county, it's simply impossible if you actually want to do good work. I don't know what to do, when people who met me as a child say things like "I'm Italian -- you can't say that", openly returning to the ways of the mafia we drove out of here in the 90s. But that's the issue, we just replaced one monster with another: when I was working hard to replace the laptop my dad smashed, people would say shit like "Oh I had some Ukranian women with no ID come into my tow yard, I refused to give them their phone back because they'll never pay for the car... they yelled at me, I nearly called the police" I told the woman "You have to let them have their property, you can't just... tow a car from a wreck then deny someone the way they communicate with whatever... means they have to pay you back. I'd have yelled at you too. I might have done worse, if you broke the law then threatened to call the cops to police my tone because I was a victim of human trafficking" And she threatened to slap me, told me I was autistic, then had a meltdown and drove away without giving me the cookies I never asked for, because I told her what I tell every other boomer who is stupid enough to get aggressive -- one unwanted touch and I will Tang Soo Do you in the head so hard you will meet your maker, and I will sue your estate for the cost of fixing my broken hand since I was too kind the last time I had to punch a nazi. So... thanks for the advice. But I think I'll be fine, and what's going to happen is that false allies who hand out prophylactics and narcan and the occasional sandwich are going to learn the terror of truly living under the neoliberal ideas on free speech and free association the violently insisted on. They dish it out, but can't take it, and I will literally get on a plane and leave this place to live knowing no one is going to pick up the... slack... ever again, if that's what it takes for me to pursue happiness. But I'd like to stay, if we can find a third way. Do you want that? Does anyone? Or are we going to do it the hard way? It's your move. Your so called community's move. I'm just responding, as it has been since 1991. [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pittsburgh#Demographics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pittsburgh#Demographics [1] >*In reality*, former president Carter is reported to have made this dire assessment in 2013, during the administration of former President Barack Obama, and in response to whistleblower Edward Snowden's recent revelations of global electronic surveillance by the National Security Agency. The source of the quote was a 17 July 2013 article which appeared in the German newspaper Der Spiegel. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/jimmy-carter-functioning-democracy/ https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/jimmy-carter-functioning-d... [2] https://www.spiegel.de/politik/ausland/nsa-affaere-jimmy-carter-kritisiert-usa-a-911589.html https://www.spiegel.de/politik/ausland/nsa-affaere-jimmy-car... [3] https://web.archive.org/web/20111130192936/http://www.massgeneral.org/bhi/basics/eliciting_rr.aspx https://web.archive.org/web/20111130192936/http://www.massge... [4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Past_Tense_%28Star_Trek:_Deep_Space_Nine%29#Plot https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Past_Tense_%28Star_Trek:_Deep_... [5] "The report observed the political state of the United States, Europe and Japan, and says that in the United States the problems of governance 'stem from an excess of democracy' and thus calls for actions "to restore the prestige and authority of central government institutions." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Crisis_of_Democracy#Overview https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Crisis_of_Democracy#Overvi... [6] https://web.archive.org/web/20120309011043/http://www.trilateral.org/download/doc/crisis_of_democracy.pdf https://web.archive.org/web/20120309011043/http://www.trilat...
- drycobbler 3y ago
  You’re still talking like an anime villain, threatening violence against Internet strangers kind enough to ponder your plight. Your brain has too much dopamine. That’s why you can’t get or maintain a job or maintain any relationships. You need to take a medicine. You have a chance at having money and normal relationships again if you take an antipsychotic [1][2][3] and stay on it. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olanzapine https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olanzapine [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risperidone https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risperidone [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clozapine https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clozapine

barrysteve 3y ago

Idk what everyone is saying. What you have written makes sense to me. They appear as if they don't want to be associated with you, something like that could be a little cruel.. I'd go to a Church that fits your beliefs and access their help. It's worth noting that the culture changed, roughly in 2010ish. Anybody following sequential, ordered, rules, today, is being dragged down by it. Your work to stop bad behaviour, is relatable to me, but the culture has dumped it. Nobody said any of this, they just did it and then distanced themselves from everyone else. Again I find what you're saying relatable, but that won't save you. Don't chase relationships (or social connections), people will choose family, friends and church over randoms, even known randoms. It's basically the opposite culturally, of the world we grew up in. You've done well to kick bad habits and stay sober while homeless. The upside is that you don't have anyone to pull you down... keep every last cent you make and get some 'housing' you can keep to yourself, like a car or a motorhome. Memories will drag you down, into the depths, like an emotional vortex. Better memories can be painful.

anakaine 3y ago
Whilst there is certainly value in some churches assistance programs, religion by and large is not set up to actually help people with mental illness, isolation, or self esteem issues. Whilst it's true they can provide some services, there are few actually qualified counsellors, rarely any referrals to agenda free assistance bodies, and certainly no trace of medical help. They give with one hand, and indoctrinate with the other, often perpetuating a different style of dependence. Be wary of this - it can be very hard to put these worms back in the can. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and one must be careful when vulnerable.
- barrysteve 3y ago
  I mean food and maybe shelter. There's massive overstating of this guy's mental health. He needs a decent meal and a hot shower and he'll be talking in straight sentences again. I find your lack of faith.. disturbing.
  - tornadofart 3y ago
    There are people TRAINED to get other people back on track. These are called social workers. How do I know my well-meaning advice will not push this person further down? We don't know the author of this post, we are making wild assumptions. This kind of problem is not something that can be resolved in an online forum.
    - barrysteve 3y ago
      He's calling for help. What is the big problem in answering that? How do you know anything? Who said I was going to resolve it? Tolerate doubt and uncertainty on public internet forum, don't go policing other people's behaviours that you don't understand. Offensive.
      - tornadofart 3y ago
        I did not mean to offend you. If I came across as policing, that was not my intention. I apologize. I don't know anything. That's basically the problem. Based on what OP writes, I'm taking wild guesses at what is really going on, and came to the conclusion that I can't feel comfortable telling them what to do. How do I know I'm not making it worse? I really really hope OP gets professional help. I happen to know that social workers are a good option when you feel overwhelmed by a multitude of problems and the solution is not obvious. Sorry again if I worded everything so badly that it came across as if it was dismissive of you/your opinion personally.