4 ms·

I have a pretty strong natural filter. Years of therapy and three different therapists have yet to get me to a place where I can truly open up, even when writin

I have a pretty strong natural filter. Years of therapy and three different therapists have yet to get me to a place where I can truly open up, even when writing on a page I know no-one else will see. Two days ago I did weed for the first time. I accidentally took a much larger hit than I meant to. For the first 15 minutes I had a complete out-of-body experience; nothing seemed real, I felt like I was floating through space, able to peer into reality at will, still not quite trusting that it wasn't all a dream. I'm pretty sure the term of art for what I experienced would be a psychotic episode. After that... I lost my filter. Like, it was gone. And my mouth was a conveyor belt connected to the emotional part of my brain. No logic, just uninhibited speech, for 45 minutes, all while sobbing harder than I have in my entire life. I exposed every last deep, dark secret I possessed. My fear of never being good enough. My fear that everyone in my life will leave me at some point. My fear that I've done so many hurtful things over my life that I'm unworthy of love and of the friends I have. And many more things I won't be sharing with the world, at least not yet. Inside, it felt like my brain and my mouth were connected by a pipe, and all I could do was sit back and watch in horror as the very depths of my mind were laid bare for all to see. A good friend of mine was with me while I did it. She heard everything. It's a mark of our friendship that she held me, reassured me that she loved me for who I am, not who I want people to think I am. Our friendship is even stronger now, something I would never have thought possible before having that experience. It was terrifying, and yet oddly theraputic. I'm seriously considering cannabis-assisted psychotherapy now. --- I guess what I'm trying to say is: there are a number of substances that induce mind-altering states in ways that are relatively safe and free from long term effects. If you're someone who can't seem to open up naturally, don't be afraid to try them. They just might change your life. (As with everything, consume appropriately and safely. Have someone experienced in the substance you're consuming keep an eye on you. And for god's sake, don't do anything known to be addictive or to have severe negative side effects.) Also, find friends who you can truly be yourself around, who love you even when they know the absolute worst about you. It makes all the difference to know that someone loves you not for who you want the world to think you are but for who you actually are.

coffeebeqn 3y ago
Writing is one of my favorite things to do high. Nothing that interesting just whatever pops in my mind. Pen to paper so I don’t get distracted by shiny internet things
Onawa 3y ago
I've been using marijuana for too long for it to have that effect on me unfortunately, but actual psychedelics are great at expanding the mind. If you can find someone that you trust to be a 'sitter' (at least for the first couple of times), it can be a life changing experience with positive long-term effects. Micro dosing psilocybin has been starting to show positive results in trials in recent years.
tambourine_man 3y ago
I don’t have many favorite comments on hacker news, especially not if this kind, but this one goes on that list. Thanks for sharing.
jiggybling 3y ago
I tried weed once a few years ago and took a bit too much as well. When the euphoria hit, I realized I had never felt that good in my entire life and I became scared of the idea that I would lose control. My thoughts also sped up and I would get into these metacognitive/self-analytical loops. I'd start thinking about something and before I could finish I'd have another thought analyzing what I had just thought, and so on. And I experienced the loss of filter. At the time, I was with a friend in his basement and we were surrounded by his mom's amateur paintings. I've never been an art person but I remember looking at one of her paintings and talking nonstop about all the different visual details that kept popping out at me. I didn't have as complete as loss of inhibition as you described however. The friend I was with wasn't someone I completely trusted - many of my thoughts I decided not to share. Still, I think the experience was valuable and I'm glad I tried it. Although, in retrospect any self-insight I gained I don't think I truly took to heart, as it didn't lead to any meaningful behavioral change. It's only been two days, but I wonder what kind of long term changes you will see. Has the loss of filter persisted in any way or did it wear off when you came down? Either way, your story, outside of being well written and incredibly personable, gives me hope for my own healing. I'd love to connect and hear more about where your experience takes you, especially if you end up trying cannabis assisted therapy. I'm planning on trying psychedelic assisted therapy at some point so it would be cool to have someone to discuss with. My email is in my profile if you're interested.

coffeebeqn 3y ago

Writing is one of my favorite things to do high. Nothing that interesting just whatever pops in my mind. Pen to paper so I don’t get distracted by shiny internet things

Onawa 3y ago

I've been using marijuana for too long for it to have that effect on me unfortunately, but actual psychedelics are great at expanding the mind. If you can find someone that you trust to be a 'sitter' (at least for the first couple of times), it can be a life changing experience with positive long-term effects. Micro dosing psilocybin has been starting to show positive results in trials in recent years.

tambourine_man 3y ago

I don’t have many favorite comments on hacker news, especially not if this kind, but this one goes on that list. Thanks for sharing.

jiggybling 3y ago

I tried weed once a few years ago and took a bit too much as well. When the euphoria hit, I realized I had never felt that good in my entire life and I became scared of the idea that I would lose control. My thoughts also sped up and I would get into these metacognitive/self-analytical loops. I'd start thinking about something and before I could finish I'd have another thought analyzing what I had just thought, and so on. And I experienced the loss of filter. At the time, I was with a friend in his basement and we were surrounded by his mom's amateur paintings. I've never been an art person but I remember looking at one of her paintings and talking nonstop about all the different visual details that kept popping out at me. I didn't have as complete as loss of inhibition as you described however. The friend I was with wasn't someone I completely trusted - many of my thoughts I decided not to share. Still, I think the experience was valuable and I'm glad I tried it. Although, in retrospect any self-insight I gained I don't think I truly took to heart, as it didn't lead to any meaningful behavioral change. It's only been two days, but I wonder what kind of long term changes you will see. Has the loss of filter persisted in any way or did it wear off when you came down? Either way, your story, outside of being well written and incredibly personable, gives me hope for my own healing. I'd love to connect and hear more about where your experience takes you, especially if you end up trying cannabis assisted therapy. I'm planning on trying psychedelic assisted therapy at some point so it would be cool to have someone to discuss with. My email is in my profile if you're interested.