4 ms·

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you a

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned and will never be able to force.

csydas 3y ago
would agree. i don’t have kids myself but often get asked to watch people’s kids for extended times; half the time building trust is just being interested in what they are interested in. not even participating just asking questions and encouraging them to go get excited and share their excitement with you. pay attention, try to learn why they are into something and just share in their excitement. i won’t try to claim it always works but at least for my experience just being someone who is safe for younger people to share their ideas and thoughts with (starting with the “lighter” thoughts) seems to make the foundation for the kids being more willing to ask the tough questions about life on their own or to listen when you do want to share your own thoughts.
HL33tibCe7 3y ago
I think the reason it feels insincere is that most of the questions are not designed to be asked to get the actual opinion of the teenager, they're designed to try and push the asker's opinion onto the teenager. This is quite obviously the case, and any teenager who isn't a simpleton will find the questions incredibly patronising for this reason
- cedilla 3y ago
  What opinion is getting pushed by these extremely open questions? I can see how many teenagers wouldn't like to openly discuss sex or politics with their parents because they already know what kind of answers their parent want or don't want to hear. But I don't think the article claims that asking a few questions can undo years of bad parenting.
  - amenhotep 3y ago
    "Your social media and screen use is a problem and you should let me trick you into accepting some restrictions on it" and "you should already have your entire career planned out by now, why don't you, pick something" seem fairly implicit to me from the first three, though you're right about the others. It does seem like they're all kind of pushing the "you should open up to me" angle, though - I feel like that would've been transparent to me and I wouldn't have appreciated it, trying not to talk about these things wasn't an accident of being stuck "in a shell" it was quite a deliberate choice!
    - watwut 3y ago
      That is NOT what that question is about and if you read longer explanation, you would know it. It was not about making them accept new rules. And majority of questions are not even opinion based.
      - Cpoll 3y ago
        > If you were a parent, what rules would you set for screens? > Turn the tables, suggests O’Malley, and let them think about an issue from another angle. I'm finding it hard to take your interpretation on this one. Even the explanation calls it "turning the tables." The word "rules" is enough to enforce the power dynamic. The subject of the sentence isn't "screen time," it's "rules." The accusation of not reading the explanation is unwarranted.
        em-bee 3y ago
        asking kids to set their own rules, and then help them stick to those rules is really a much better way than setting rules as a parent without letting the kids have any input. children do have the ability to think and understand what is reasonable. they know that they need to get enough sleep so they are not tired in the morning, etc. so working with them to work out what is reasonable can really empower them and in particular open up an avenue to renegotiate rules that they themselves have chosen.
coatmatter 3y ago
Genuine conversations don't come about through being scheduled for a sit-down interview in a meeting room or lounge room - especially not when notes are being taken or they're being recorded, even if there are drinks and snacks present. Active listening is more than just storming in with a question and waiting quietly for a response before launching the next barrage. Real conversations only happen when there's a mutual understanding of how others tick and when the most appropriate time there is to raise a likely-uncomfortable topic. I'm not going to generalise about women, but I can say that for many men, examples of such situations might include when they're out fishing, cycling, playing golf, or just doing any other hobby that allows one to be "distracted" most times with silence. Silence is very awkward in sit-down situations where you're "forced" to converse, but not if there's another activity as the main alibi. It's okay to go out fishing and not catch a fish. It's okay to go fishing and not say a word. But it's also okay to start talking freely once both parties are ready for it at a future mystery time and location.
- JackMorgan 3y ago
  I don't know anyone who fishes, bikes, or plays golf. I suspect this is the reason many people are critically lonely. There's just no place to be with other people and talk. Perhaps women are culturally more comfortable going out for coffee or running errands together. For all the men I know that would be super weird. Shame. We need to find new ways to just be together.
  - giantg2 3y ago
    Who has the time? We're all grinding to make money. Occasionally I play some online games with friends, but you'd be surprised how many times some of them can't make it because they're working OT to cover child support.
    - thaumasiotes 3y ago
      > because they're working OT to cover child support. Isn't child support a percentage of earnings?
throwaway290 3y ago
I can say I might have had a meaningful relationship with parents if they were the kind of people to ask some of these questions when I was young. Questions are not trite and do not treat the person as dumb. But yes asking them the right way requires to adopt this attitude too.
- jcpham2 3y ago
  I actually feel like questions should be _genuinely_ discussed earlier than the article suggests; more like tweens minus the virginity question. I feel as if the feedback would be less obstructed the earlier the discussion takes place. My children are young and we have already had discussions above their age level on a handful of these topics.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
JKCalhoun 3y ago
I think the target audience for these questions are people that have been afraid of having these conversations with their kids. The article and questions are there to give the hesitant parent permission to have deeper conversations than, "How was school today?"
watwut 3y ago
There is nothing more insincere then me "being interested" in Harry Potter, Taylor Swift and superhero movies. As in, if insincerity is the worry, the common interest us the worst possible platform. Because, partly I am not interested in stuff teenagers are into now, which is normal for someone of my age. And partly because teenagers seeks to create own identity so me going into there would kinda destroyed it for them.
- em-bee 3y ago
  why is taking interest in what others like insincere? if i ask a little kid to tell me about their favorite cartoon character, is that insincere too? if my wife wants us to watch a romantic movie together, am i being insincere if i don't dismiss it as uninteresting? being interested in what other people enjoy is not insincere at all. it is in fact required if we want to build any sort of relationship with them. you don't have to like it. and you don't have to watch all of it. but you can take an interest without being insincere.
- RugnirViking 3y ago
  Its not incincere if you actually find something interesting. And believe me, there are interesting things in everything. Every time ive dismissed something as not interesting (astrology, tarot etc) it's closed off parts of my relationship with people. Sure I thought they were dumb superstition for dumb people. They can immediately tell that from my body language. It's almost as though having that kind of attitude about anything is unwise. Turns out when I get them to tell me about it without judgement, and show enough humility that they open up to me, they get excited about the things they love, and then you can't help but be a bit excited too. You get a better sense how what they think and how they think, which usually leads to genuinely good bits.
superwalker 3y ago
> Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Oh, so “just already be good at talking to your kids”. Appreciate the advice. Seriously, this is for parents that want to do a better job. Your advice isn’t particularly useful as it isn’t specific enough for people that aren’t already connecting with their kids. Perhaps propose more specific actionable advice. You can’t listen to someone that isn’t talking. What should they ask or share to break the ice?
- em-bee 3y ago
  actionable advice: pay attention to your kids interest. and use what you learn when the situation calls for it. there is a new movie out that i think you'll enjoy. shall we go watch it? or, i saw a shop with your favorite style clothes, comics, whatever on sale on the way home. you may want to go check it out... taking interest in other people means paying attention to things that you can do to help them further their interests. you should to the same with your partner too, btw, so that when the kids are there you already have practice. and you can also do it with your friends. taking interest is a big factor in any relationship. taking interest means you care about them.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]

csydas 3y ago

would agree. i don’t have kids myself but often get asked to watch people’s kids for extended times; half the time building trust is just being interested in what they are interested in. not even participating just asking questions and encouraging them to go get excited and share their excitement with you. pay attention, try to learn why they are into something and just share in their excitement. i won’t try to claim it always works but at least for my experience just being someone who is safe for younger people to share their ideas and thoughts with (starting with the “lighter” thoughts) seems to make the foundation for the kids being more willing to ask the tough questions about life on their own or to listen when you do want to share your own thoughts.

HL33tibCe7 3y ago

I think the reason it feels insincere is that most of the questions are not designed to be asked to get the actual opinion of the teenager, they're designed to try and push the asker's opinion onto the teenager. This is quite obviously the case, and any teenager who isn't a simpleton will find the questions incredibly patronising for this reason

cedilla 3y ago
What opinion is getting pushed by these extremely open questions? I can see how many teenagers wouldn't like to openly discuss sex or politics with their parents because they already know what kind of answers their parent want or don't want to hear. But I don't think the article claims that asking a few questions can undo years of bad parenting.
- amenhotep 3y ago
  "Your social media and screen use is a problem and you should let me trick you into accepting some restrictions on it" and "you should already have your entire career planned out by now, why don't you, pick something" seem fairly implicit to me from the first three, though you're right about the others. It does seem like they're all kind of pushing the "you should open up to me" angle, though - I feel like that would've been transparent to me and I wouldn't have appreciated it, trying not to talk about these things wasn't an accident of being stuck "in a shell" it was quite a deliberate choice!
  - watwut 3y ago
    That is NOT what that question is about and if you read longer explanation, you would know it. It was not about making them accept new rules. And majority of questions are not even opinion based.
    - Cpoll 3y ago
      > If you were a parent, what rules would you set for screens? > Turn the tables, suggests O’Malley, and let them think about an issue from another angle. I'm finding it hard to take your interpretation on this one. Even the explanation calls it "turning the tables." The word "rules" is enough to enforce the power dynamic. The subject of the sentence isn't "screen time," it's "rules." The accusation of not reading the explanation is unwarranted.
      - em-bee 3y ago
        asking kids to set their own rules, and then help them stick to those rules is really a much better way than setting rules as a parent without letting the kids have any input. children do have the ability to think and understand what is reasonable. they know that they need to get enough sleep so they are not tired in the morning, etc. so working with them to work out what is reasonable can really empower them and in particular open up an avenue to renegotiate rules that they themselves have chosen.

coatmatter 3y ago

Genuine conversations don't come about through being scheduled for a sit-down interview in a meeting room or lounge room - especially not when notes are being taken or they're being recorded, even if there are drinks and snacks present. Active listening is more than just storming in with a question and waiting quietly for a response before launching the next barrage. Real conversations only happen when there's a mutual understanding of how others tick and when the most appropriate time there is to raise a likely-uncomfortable topic. I'm not going to generalise about women, but I can say that for many men, examples of such situations might include when they're out fishing, cycling, playing golf, or just doing any other hobby that allows one to be "distracted" most times with silence. Silence is very awkward in sit-down situations where you're "forced" to converse, but not if there's another activity as the main alibi. It's okay to go out fishing and not catch a fish. It's okay to go fishing and not say a word. But it's also okay to start talking freely once both parties are ready for it at a future mystery time and location.

JackMorgan 3y ago
I don't know anyone who fishes, bikes, or plays golf. I suspect this is the reason many people are critically lonely. There's just no place to be with other people and talk. Perhaps women are culturally more comfortable going out for coffee or running errands together. For all the men I know that would be super weird. Shame. We need to find new ways to just be together.
- giantg2 3y ago
  Who has the time? We're all grinding to make money. Occasionally I play some online games with friends, but you'd be surprised how many times some of them can't make it because they're working OT to cover child support.
  - thaumasiotes 3y ago
    > because they're working OT to cover child support. Isn't child support a percentage of earnings?

throwaway290 3y ago

I can say I might have had a meaningful relationship with parents if they were the kind of people to ask some of these questions when I was young. Questions are not trite and do not treat the person as dumb. But yes asking them the right way requires to adopt this attitude too.

jcpham2 3y ago
I actually feel like questions should be _genuinely_ discussed earlier than the article suggests; more like tweens minus the virginity question. I feel as if the feedback would be less obstructed the earlier the discussion takes place. My children are young and we have already had discussions above their age level on a handful of these topics.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]

JKCalhoun 3y ago

I think the target audience for these questions are people that have been afraid of having these conversations with their kids. The article and questions are there to give the hesitant parent permission to have deeper conversations than, "How was school today?"

watwut 3y ago

There is nothing more insincere then me "being interested" in Harry Potter, Taylor Swift and superhero movies. As in, if insincerity is the worry, the common interest us the worst possible platform. Because, partly I am not interested in stuff teenagers are into now, which is normal for someone of my age. And partly because teenagers seeks to create own identity so me going into there would kinda destroyed it for them.

em-bee 3y ago
why is taking interest in what others like insincere? if i ask a little kid to tell me about their favorite cartoon character, is that insincere too? if my wife wants us to watch a romantic movie together, am i being insincere if i don't dismiss it as uninteresting? being interested in what other people enjoy is not insincere at all. it is in fact required if we want to build any sort of relationship with them. you don't have to like it. and you don't have to watch all of it. but you can take an interest without being insincere.
RugnirViking 3y ago
Its not incincere if you actually find something interesting. And believe me, there are interesting things in everything. Every time ive dismissed something as not interesting (astrology, tarot etc) it's closed off parts of my relationship with people. Sure I thought they were dumb superstition for dumb people. They can immediately tell that from my body language. It's almost as though having that kind of attitude about anything is unwise. Turns out when I get them to tell me about it without judgement, and show enough humility that they open up to me, they get excited about the things they love, and then you can't help but be a bit excited too. You get a better sense how what they think and how they think, which usually leads to genuinely good bits.

superwalker 3y ago

> Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Oh, so “just already be good at talking to your kids”. Appreciate the advice. Seriously, this is for parents that want to do a better job. Your advice isn’t particularly useful as it isn’t specific enough for people that aren’t already connecting with their kids. Perhaps propose more specific actionable advice. You can’t listen to someone that isn’t talking. What should they ask or share to break the ice?

em-bee 3y ago
actionable advice: pay attention to your kids interest. and use what you learn when the situation calls for it. there is a new movie out that i think you'll enjoy. shall we go watch it? or, i saw a shop with your favorite style clothes, comics, whatever on sale on the way home. you may want to go check it out... taking interest in other people means paying attention to things that you can do to help them further their interests. you should to the same with your partner too, btw, so that when the kids are there you already have practice. and you can also do it with your friends. taking interest is a big factor in any relationship. taking interest means you care about them.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]