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Does anybody else find it frustrating to be asked about their home life at work? I'm sure managers have their reasons, but I'm here to do however many hours ar

Does anybody else find it frustrating to be asked about their home life at work? I'm sure managers have their reasons, but I'm here to do however many hours are expected of me as negotiated as part of the hiring process and then go home and have a life with the people I actually love and care about. The deal is that they intrude as little as possible on my time while I'm at work and in return, work does not intrude on my time at home. I'm not here to talk about my personal life. I'm here to get shit done. Get out of my way and let me get on with it.

Rayhem 3y ago
Yeah, I had a similar head-tilt at leading with "How are you doing on a personal level?" I'm not outright opposed to the question -- managers are human (gasp) and it is true that we tend to work better with humans when we connect with them as such -- but it's going to take a lot of prior work for anyone with professional power over me to convince me that question is for my benefit and not simply to extract more value.
- nullindividual 3y ago
  Bingo, and this is it: > if the person isn’t in a positive state of mind or heart outside of work, chances are that she won’t be as effective at work Aka next person on the pink slip list. This person would be a terrible manager of anyone neurodivergent.
  - deprecative 3y ago
    Most, if not all, managers I've had are terrible for neurotypical. I imagine it's sort of like talking to the cops as a neurodivergent person. You're just guilty because you don't behave "right". I think I might be neurodivergent but I'm not going to get diagnosed so I have no idea. I will say it seems like no team I have ever been on really understood what to do with me. Which -- fine, I don't care to do anything with them.
- SkyPuncher 3y ago
  This is essentially standard 1:1 at my prior company. It worked amazingly well. People aren’t robots. They get tired. They get distracted. They can’t show up for work every day and give perfect, 100%. I’ve been asked and asked that type of question frequently to help understand if I needed to be mindful of temporary circumstances. It often works out that one person on the team is feeling high energy when someone else is feeling low. It’s not permanent, so you make minor short term tweaks. Particularly, on the small stuff. I’d tried to go to someone who’s feeling higher energy. Over time, it tends to even out. Or, at the very least, people who are frequently high energy feel satisfied with a full queue while others have a chance to refocus. At some point, that probably means high energy person is going to get some slack to do a bit more 20% type of work. You end up with a team that delivers on its core competencies while keeping most people happy.
JohnFen 3y ago
> Does anybody else find it frustrating to be asked about their home life at work? Not frustrating, but certainly inappropriate. I haven't run into this very often, but when I have, I just kept my answers vague and generic.
evilduck 3y ago
"do hours" "the people [not at work] I actually love and care about" "they intrude" "get out of my way" Have you tried not being an active adversary at work? I've worked with a lot of people with this attitude, it generally doesn't serve them well and creates a self-fulfilling feedback loop.
- phone8675309 3y ago
  I'm not an active adversary at work - I'm highly productive, work well with others, and have a slew of positive recommendations from both managers and co-workers. What I do not have is an ownership or equity stake in the business that I currently work for - at best there's a bonus opportunity. Since I do not own or have equity in the business it's not my place to commit more than what was agreed to with my employer at the time of my hiring - in fact, it would be unprofessional and against my best interests to do so. If they want more from me then they can pay me more (the same as they expect from their customers) - they don't get loyalty or credit in lieu of payment from me as they have no loyalty to me (and would lay me off if it made sure they could keep showing growth to investors). Of course I'm flexible for emergencies as anybody should be, but, at the end of the day, it's a job. It pays my bills - I'm working it to live, not living to work at it. That said, I'm sure my position would change slightly if I was the owner of the business or had equity in it and my efforts could materially increase profit and directly benefit me. Alas, that is not this position, and I'd argue it is both unprofessional and certainly unhealthy to give up other obligations and relationships for a job like this. > "the people [not at work] I actually love and care about" I don't love my coworkers, and I never will - not in the same way that I love my family and love my friends. That is just a cold hard reality about business. At some point they may stop working here. At some point I definitely will stop working here (likely for a better paying job or a job with better working conditions). There is no point to becoming any more attached to my coworkers than the standard cordial business relationship. I'm friendly to them, I am accommodating in ways that I can within my responsibilities to the business, but they are not my friends and they are not my family. I am responsible on a different level and with a different commitment to my friends and family in ways that I am not with coworkers. Perhaps this is a difference in philosophy, but I don't care to hear from or spend time with coworkers outside of work. I have friends, family, hobbies, projects, and other things to do - life is too short to sit in too many cookouts with coworkers off the clock to talk about things at work to the uncompensated benefit of my boss and to the detriment of time with my friends and family.
tstrimple 3y ago
The only way this would come up for me is in the area of performance problems and as a way to try to provide accommodations if necessary. Definitely seems weird for it to be a standard question. If you've built up enough of a relationship with folks, they will tend to share these kinds of details. Folks who prefer it remains private won't. That's perfectly okay as long as work is getting done.
musicale 3y ago
Along with that, asking employees to "bring your whole self to work" seems unlikely to end well. "Bring your professional facade to work" is probably a more sensible practice.[1] See also: "We think of our (terrible) company as a (pathologically abusive, possibly organized crime) family." [1] https://www.economist.com/business/2022/06/02/do-not-bring-your-whole-self-to-work https://www.economist.com/business/2022/06/02/do-not-bring-y...
SkyPuncher 3y ago
It really depends on the company culture. My company tends to have a lot of personal discussion in 1:1s because we’re remote, it’s safe to do so, and we often have other avenues for conversations managers need to have. If someone is getting their work done and wants to talk about their hobby for their entire 1:1, that’s fine.
- deprecative 3y ago
  It is never safe to do that. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Manager is taking notes. Always.

Rayhem 3y ago

Yeah, I had a similar head-tilt at leading with "How are you doing on a personal level?" I'm not outright opposed to the question -- managers are human (gasp) and it is true that we tend to work better with humans when we connect with them as such -- but it's going to take a lot of prior work for anyone with professional power over me to convince me that question is for my benefit and not simply to extract more value.

nullindividual 3y ago
Bingo, and this is it: > if the person isn’t in a positive state of mind or heart outside of work, chances are that she won’t be as effective at work Aka next person on the pink slip list. This person would be a terrible manager of anyone neurodivergent.
- deprecative 3y ago
  Most, if not all, managers I've had are terrible for neurotypical. I imagine it's sort of like talking to the cops as a neurodivergent person. You're just guilty because you don't behave "right". I think I might be neurodivergent but I'm not going to get diagnosed so I have no idea. I will say it seems like no team I have ever been on really understood what to do with me. Which -- fine, I don't care to do anything with them.
SkyPuncher 3y ago
This is essentially standard 1:1 at my prior company. It worked amazingly well. People aren’t robots. They get tired. They get distracted. They can’t show up for work every day and give perfect, 100%. I’ve been asked and asked that type of question frequently to help understand if I needed to be mindful of temporary circumstances. It often works out that one person on the team is feeling high energy when someone else is feeling low. It’s not permanent, so you make minor short term tweaks. Particularly, on the small stuff. I’d tried to go to someone who’s feeling higher energy. Over time, it tends to even out. Or, at the very least, people who are frequently high energy feel satisfied with a full queue while others have a chance to refocus. At some point, that probably means high energy person is going to get some slack to do a bit more 20% type of work. You end up with a team that delivers on its core competencies while keeping most people happy.

JohnFen 3y ago

> Does anybody else find it frustrating to be asked about their home life at work? Not frustrating, but certainly inappropriate. I haven't run into this very often, but when I have, I just kept my answers vague and generic.

evilduck 3y ago

"do hours" "the people [not at work] I actually love and care about" "they intrude" "get out of my way" Have you tried not being an active adversary at work? I've worked with a lot of people with this attitude, it generally doesn't serve them well and creates a self-fulfilling feedback loop.

phone8675309 3y ago
I'm not an active adversary at work - I'm highly productive, work well with others, and have a slew of positive recommendations from both managers and co-workers. What I do not have is an ownership or equity stake in the business that I currently work for - at best there's a bonus opportunity. Since I do not own or have equity in the business it's not my place to commit more than what was agreed to with my employer at the time of my hiring - in fact, it would be unprofessional and against my best interests to do so. If they want more from me then they can pay me more (the same as they expect from their customers) - they don't get loyalty or credit in lieu of payment from me as they have no loyalty to me (and would lay me off if it made sure they could keep showing growth to investors). Of course I'm flexible for emergencies as anybody should be, but, at the end of the day, it's a job. It pays my bills - I'm working it to live, not living to work at it. That said, I'm sure my position would change slightly if I was the owner of the business or had equity in it and my efforts could materially increase profit and directly benefit me. Alas, that is not this position, and I'd argue it is both unprofessional and certainly unhealthy to give up other obligations and relationships for a job like this. > "the people [not at work] I actually love and care about" I don't love my coworkers, and I never will - not in the same way that I love my family and love my friends. That is just a cold hard reality about business. At some point they may stop working here. At some point I definitely will stop working here (likely for a better paying job or a job with better working conditions). There is no point to becoming any more attached to my coworkers than the standard cordial business relationship. I'm friendly to them, I am accommodating in ways that I can within my responsibilities to the business, but they are not my friends and they are not my family. I am responsible on a different level and with a different commitment to my friends and family in ways that I am not with coworkers. Perhaps this is a difference in philosophy, but I don't care to hear from or spend time with coworkers outside of work. I have friends, family, hobbies, projects, and other things to do - life is too short to sit in too many cookouts with coworkers off the clock to talk about things at work to the uncompensated benefit of my boss and to the detriment of time with my friends and family.

tstrimple 3y ago

The only way this would come up for me is in the area of performance problems and as a way to try to provide accommodations if necessary. Definitely seems weird for it to be a standard question. If you've built up enough of a relationship with folks, they will tend to share these kinds of details. Folks who prefer it remains private won't. That's perfectly okay as long as work is getting done.

musicale 3y ago

Along with that, asking employees to "bring your whole self to work" seems unlikely to end well. "Bring your professional facade to work" is probably a more sensible practice.[1] See also: "We think of our (terrible) company as a (pathologically abusive, possibly organized crime) family." [1] https://www.economist.com/business/2022/06/02/do-not-bring-your-whole-self-to-work https://www.economist.com/business/2022/06/02/do-not-bring-y...

SkyPuncher 3y ago

It really depends on the company culture. My company tends to have a lot of personal discussion in 1:1s because we’re remote, it’s safe to do so, and we often have other avenues for conversations managers need to have. If someone is getting their work done and wants to talk about their hobby for their entire 1:1, that’s fine.

deprecative 3y ago
It is never safe to do that. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Manager is taking notes. Always.