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Maybe... the obligation of ongoing contact just because it's possible is just as damaging to people who need space and focus. Not every relationship has a denou

Maybe... the obligation of ongoing contact just because it's possible is just as damaging to people who need space and focus. Not every relationship has a denouement. Sometimes there's nothing to say that is better than nothing, or petty socially obligated lies. Sometimes.

HansardExpert 3y ago
>Sometimes I think that is probably the underlying point. From my own experience it is no longer 'Sometimes' but seems to now the rule rather than the exception.
kaffekaka 3y ago
Considering how hurtful ghosting can be, you can always at least say "i'm breaking contact with you, so you know". Simply stating your intention. Then at least the ghostee knows you made that choice, for whatever reason.
- smeej 3y ago
  Does this help the people who have a compelling need for closure? The "why" is still totally open. What makes it any easier for someone to let go of an open "why" than an open "what"?
  - kaffekaka 3y ago
    It is not "why" versus "what". It is "why" versus nothing at all, just a sudden disappearance with no information at all. My guess is that most people would prefer that. After all, ghosting is considered to be very hurtful.
    - smeej 3y ago
      The point is, though, that the loop doesn't close either way. If you can't let go of "this person just stopped talking to me one day," is it really any easier to let go of, "this person just told me they weren't going to talk to me anymore one day"?
      - kaffekaka 3y ago
        I think so, yes.
nonrandomstring 3y ago
What I see missing here is alignment. Even cold algorithms and coms protocols have a teardown phase. Otherwise loose ends like half-filled buffers and outstanding packets can't be resolved. And the sudden cessation of a link is indistinguishable from a peer dying, or a medium failure. You'd think that a technologically informed culture might actually tend toward more formal protocols of initiation and disengagement. The problem for people seeking alignment, but who are emotionally immature and cannot negotiate, is that they err towards conflict avoidance. Technology has reduced us all to abject fear of being "unacceptable" or "awkward". So we'd rather be brutally cruel than even seen as wrong.
- simbolit 3y ago
  If hackernews had a "follow" function, i'd follow you. Thanks for your thoughts.
  - nonrandomstring 3y ago
    Hey! I'll be in trouble if I say more, but we've actually just finished two episodes [0] on the cybershow.uk about psychology of dating apps, and human connection through tech. [0] out next week
    - simbolit 3y ago
      Already found that. Spent the last 15 minutes stalking you. :-) thanks again.
  - UweSchmidt 3y ago
    Do you think bookmarking the user's comment page https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=nonrandomstring https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=nonrandomstring using the built-in browser functionality would be good enough for your purpose? Insert rant here about bloat, deteriorationg user experiences, HN possibly turning into another little social network, the cognitive load of tending to notifications, of making the little numbers on top of inbox-icons go away
  - 3y ago
jprete 3y ago
No. One doesn’t get to throw away the basic obligation of decency to other people because of the desire to have “space” and “focus”.

HansardExpert 3y ago

>Sometimes I think that is probably the underlying point. From my own experience it is no longer 'Sometimes' but seems to now the rule rather than the exception.

kaffekaka 3y ago

Considering how hurtful ghosting can be, you can always at least say "i'm breaking contact with you, so you know". Simply stating your intention. Then at least the ghostee knows you made that choice, for whatever reason.

smeej 3y ago
Does this help the people who have a compelling need for closure? The "why" is still totally open. What makes it any easier for someone to let go of an open "why" than an open "what"?
- kaffekaka 3y ago
  It is not "why" versus "what". It is "why" versus nothing at all, just a sudden disappearance with no information at all. My guess is that most people would prefer that. After all, ghosting is considered to be very hurtful.
  - smeej 3y ago
    The point is, though, that the loop doesn't close either way. If you can't let go of "this person just stopped talking to me one day," is it really any easier to let go of, "this person just told me they weren't going to talk to me anymore one day"?
    - kaffekaka 3y ago
      I think so, yes.

nonrandomstring 3y ago

What I see missing here is alignment. Even cold algorithms and coms protocols have a teardown phase. Otherwise loose ends like half-filled buffers and outstanding packets can't be resolved. And the sudden cessation of a link is indistinguishable from a peer dying, or a medium failure. You'd think that a technologically informed culture might actually tend toward more formal protocols of initiation and disengagement. The problem for people seeking alignment, but who are emotionally immature and cannot negotiate, is that they err towards conflict avoidance. Technology has reduced us all to abject fear of being "unacceptable" or "awkward". So we'd rather be brutally cruel than even seen as wrong.

simbolit 3y ago
If hackernews had a "follow" function, i'd follow you. Thanks for your thoughts.
- nonrandomstring 3y ago
  Hey! I'll be in trouble if I say more, but we've actually just finished two episodes [0] on the cybershow.uk about psychology of dating apps, and human connection through tech. [0] out next week
  - simbolit 3y ago
    Already found that. Spent the last 15 minutes stalking you. :-) thanks again.
- UweSchmidt 3y ago
  Do you think bookmarking the user's comment page https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=nonrandomstring https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=nonrandomstring using the built-in browser functionality would be good enough for your purpose? Insert rant here about bloat, deteriorationg user experiences, HN possibly turning into another little social network, the cognitive load of tending to notifications, of making the little numbers on top of inbox-icons go away
- 3y ago

jprete 3y ago

No. One doesn’t get to throw away the basic obligation of decency to other people because of the desire to have “space” and “focus”.