3 ms·

> I'm surprised other commenters are surprised to be honest. I'm surprised because I've never met anybody like this, and while I've heard about Mike Pence I'm

> I'm surprised other commenters are surprised to be honest. I'm surprised because I've never met anybody like this, and while I've heard about Mike Pence I'm not sure I really believed it. Thinking about it more, since I don't hang out in any male-only spaces (where would I find such a thing?), almost by definition I'm never going to meet anybody socially who follows this rule. Also, as other commenters have pointed out, this philosophy completely falls apart unless you genuinely believe that everyone is heterosexual, or you refuse to be friends with anyone who is not.

sillyfluke 3y ago
>Also, as other commenters have pointed out, this philosophy completely falls apart unless you genuinely believe that everyone is heterosexual To be fair, the post he was responding to specified the context of the relationship as between a "(M)" and "(F)".
- burkaman 3y ago
  But the relationship isn't relevant, this is a philosophy for how to treat everyone outside the relationship. Many of those people are the same gender as you but might still be attracted to you (oh no!), or a different gender but have no interest in you so there's no potential for mixed signals. So the rule a) does not protect you from accidentally leading someone on, and b) does cut off a bunch of potential friends for no reason.
  - sillyfluke 3y ago
    >But the relationship isn't relevant, this is a philosophy for how to treat everyone outside the relationship. I think the relationship is very relevant. For example, the comment would not make any sense either if you don't assume they're talking about about a strictly monogamous relationship. Worrying about giving "mixed signals" to people when you're in an open relationship would be way less of an issue understandably. From the context of their post and the post they were replying to, the comment is about how to interact with people you may potentially be attracted to given the right circumstances (or who may be attracted to you) when you are in a strictly monogamous relationship.
carlosjobim 3y ago
> Thinking about it more, since I don't hang out in any male-only spaces (where would I find such a thing?) Going for coffee or having a beer with your male friend? From your comment it seems you are mixing up friends and acquaintances. A friend is somebody that you spend time with one-on-one and for most people in the world it is unacceptable that you do that with a friend of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship.
- burkaman 3y ago
  Yes but how did I make that male friend? I've met every single one of my friends in a mixed-gender context (college, rec league sports, work, friend's party, D&D group, etc.). I'm a man, I'm in a long-term committed relationship with a woman, and I have plenty of good friends who are women. I've hung out with all of them either one-on-one or with other women besides my partner, otherwise I wouldn't consider them good friends. I've never heard anyone express surprise about this, I've never had anyone decline an invitation because they aren't "allowed" to hang out with men, I've never had a second thought about any of this. > if you are in a relationship I still disagree even with this qualifier, but fyi this is moving the goalposts a bit. The original commenter suggested that mixed-gender friendships don't ever make sense.
  - carlosjobim 3y ago
    > I've met every single one of my friends in a mixed-gender context (college, rec league sports, work, friend's party, D&D group, etc.). They were acquaintances when you met them there, and later became friends. > I've hung out with all of them either one-on-one or with other women besides my partner, otherwise I wouldn't consider them good friends. I'm kind of surprised by that. Do you mean that you are spending time alone with other women in their houses or in your house, and your spouse is fine with that? Maybe people are far less sexual in different places in the world, but where I live everybody will assume that when a man and a woman spend time together alone, they are having sex. I assume that too. Of course discounting for relatives. All my women friends completely understood that I couldn't see them outside of in a group setting when I got into a relationship.

sillyfluke 3y ago

>Also, as other commenters have pointed out, this philosophy completely falls apart unless you genuinely believe that everyone is heterosexual To be fair, the post he was responding to specified the context of the relationship as between a "(M)" and "(F)".

burkaman 3y ago
But the relationship isn't relevant, this is a philosophy for how to treat everyone outside the relationship. Many of those people are the same gender as you but might still be attracted to you (oh no!), or a different gender but have no interest in you so there's no potential for mixed signals. So the rule a) does not protect you from accidentally leading someone on, and b) does cut off a bunch of potential friends for no reason.
- sillyfluke 3y ago
  >But the relationship isn't relevant, this is a philosophy for how to treat everyone outside the relationship. I think the relationship is very relevant. For example, the comment would not make any sense either if you don't assume they're talking about about a strictly monogamous relationship. Worrying about giving "mixed signals" to people when you're in an open relationship would be way less of an issue understandably. From the context of their post and the post they were replying to, the comment is about how to interact with people you may potentially be attracted to given the right circumstances (or who may be attracted to you) when you are in a strictly monogamous relationship.

carlosjobim 3y ago

> Thinking about it more, since I don't hang out in any male-only spaces (where would I find such a thing?) Going for coffee or having a beer with your male friend? From your comment it seems you are mixing up friends and acquaintances. A friend is somebody that you spend time with one-on-one and for most people in the world it is unacceptable that you do that with a friend of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship.

burkaman 3y ago
Yes but how did I make that male friend? I've met every single one of my friends in a mixed-gender context (college, rec league sports, work, friend's party, D&D group, etc.). I'm a man, I'm in a long-term committed relationship with a woman, and I have plenty of good friends who are women. I've hung out with all of them either one-on-one or with other women besides my partner, otherwise I wouldn't consider them good friends. I've never heard anyone express surprise about this, I've never had anyone decline an invitation because they aren't "allowed" to hang out with men, I've never had a second thought about any of this. > if you are in a relationship I still disagree even with this qualifier, but fyi this is moving the goalposts a bit. The original commenter suggested that mixed-gender friendships don't ever make sense.
- carlosjobim 3y ago
  > I've met every single one of my friends in a mixed-gender context (college, rec league sports, work, friend's party, D&D group, etc.). They were acquaintances when you met them there, and later became friends. > I've hung out with all of them either one-on-one or with other women besides my partner, otherwise I wouldn't consider them good friends. I'm kind of surprised by that. Do you mean that you are spending time alone with other women in their houses or in your house, and your spouse is fine with that? Maybe people are far less sexual in different places in the world, but where I live everybody will assume that when a man and a woman spend time together alone, they are having sex. I assume that too. Of course discounting for relatives. All my women friends completely understood that I couldn't see them outside of in a group setting when I got into a relationship.