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This sounds great, but it's difficult to pull off when career and family can pull everyone to different regions. My core group of close friends formed in univer

• aprdm 3y ago
  Yes that's also true. My core group of friends is no longer in my OG city as well for similar reason as me, as aren't most of my cousins. It's more uncles+grand+parents
• LeanderK 3y ago
  The thing about living close to friends is that it's not as much work to meet. Having to travel for half an hour is already a lot since it might not be worth it to meet spontaneously, it is easier to develop friendships to someone close by.
  • bombcar 3y ago
    This is the real key. You might choose to live near a particular friend-for-life, but you need to work on becoming at a bare minimum friendly with the people you're near.
    • tspike 3y ago
      Sigh. I found my dream house: incredible view, 20 minutes to skiing (a lifelong passion), warm enough and with enough space to garden sustainably, quiet, close enough to the city, great price and interest rate. Unfortunately nearly EVERYONE on the street is 20-30 years older than us, with very different lifestyles and interests. We’re “friendly” with them, but there’s no real community there. Housing costs have skyrocketed and inventory is nonexistent, so even the people who have expressed interest in moving closer are prevented from doing so. Not really sure what to do. This is the only thing missing from the life we want.
      • bombcar 3y ago
        Yeah, it can be hard, especially in an area like that. So you either learn Bridge and become the favored "kid" around and suddenly have opinions about AARP, or you socialize online, or you move.
      • cgriswald 3y ago
        I moved into a similar situation. Rising housing costs plus neighbors 20-30 years older meant a lot of them were retiring elsewhere, and my neighbors are much younger now.
      • slothtrop 3y ago
        Couples who are 20-30 years older are also likely to move out in the next decade, with young families coming in. Depending on the build of the houses. Often there comes an age they don't want to deal with stairs, extra space to regularly clean, etc, or they are physically incapable. Of course if the area has no sense of community (i.e. rec centers, parks) then it might not appeal to younger people who want to start a family.
        • bombcar 3y ago
          It can happen, but I've also seen areas that have been consistently "newly wed or nearly dead" for 50+ years.
      • xwdv 3y ago
        This is why I specifically choose communities that are predominantly two or multistory story homes. Old people hate stairs, and the likelihood of being around younger more spry families is greater.
      • anthomtb 3y ago
        Its surprising that a neighborhood 20 minutes from skiing isn't heavily populated by skiers. But maybe your neighbors are hitting groomers at 10:00 AM on Tuesday while you are seeking out backcountry steeps on the weekend.
• dukeyukey 3y ago
  Regular hangs are the answer to this. My friendship circles aren't at the kids stage yet, but we've got difference way of ensuring we stay in touch. For one of them we have a weekly Wednesday night boardgame hang. It's extremely rare everyone goes, but usually you get at least half a dozen. For another friend circle we have a Discord, if any of us finds an event we're interested in, we post it there and see if anyone fancies joining, usually some do.
  • bee_rider 3y ago
    I have some friends of similar closeness, but they’ve still sort of fallen away after having kids. I think it is easy to over-estimate how robust these sorts of passive “it’ll naturally thrive in a good environment” types of maintenance are. Active maintenance, stuff like scheduling around the availability of the folks with kids, is necessary I think.
  • subpixel 3y ago
    I have a group of dad-friends who I like seeing individually, however the 'group hangs' we have put together are no fun for me at all. By hour two we are one-upping each other with wacky stories etc. and I'm eyeing the door. It may be that we lack strong collective ties but basically all of my good friendships are sort of isolated from each other.
    • SoftTalker 3y ago
      That has always been me. As an adult I have always had just one or two close friends at any point in time. Never really part of a larger group of more casual friends. And I agree, in those situations it seems like most people are just bullshitting to say something. I rarely come away feeling like it was time well spent, or that I got to really know anything about anyone. Much easier and more rewarding to spend time with one person at a time.
    • rolisz 3y ago
      Oh yes. I'm the same! When I am in a larger group, I have a hard time opening up and having meaningful discussions, whereas on one on one settings it's easier.
• grecy 3y ago
  > it's difficult to pull off when career and family can pull everyone to different regions I think it comes down to if you live to work, or work to live. I moved to a small mountain town (10k people) that is bursting with 30-somethings who don't want to live the city grind anymore. People live here because skiing, mountain biking, hiking, camping and paddling are the life priority. Of course also pot lucks, dinners, parties and social events. Everyone just finds whatever job that enables them to do those things, and the priority is life, not work. Working online is so common place now you can still earn a good salary if choose. Hardly anyone works five days a week. Tons of people only work six months a year (ski the rest of the year!) 25 minutes from a great ski hill (that has no cell service), 5 minute ride to world-class mountain biking, 5 minute walk to a stunning lake for swimming/paddling. Houses here cost 1/3 or 1/4 of what they do in a big city. Think about the kind of life you want to live, and make it a priority.
  • lobsterslive 3y ago
    Is this in Utah? I ask because most ski towns are really expensive to live in but the SLC/Ogden area is a bit of an exception. I'd love to only work 6 months out of the year and ski the rest, but that sounds like something only a wealthy person could do.
    • grecy 3y ago
      > that sounds like something only a wealthy person could do My whole point is to seek out places where non-wealthy people can do it. Think smaller, think out of the way, think less development. No cell service at the ski hill, dirt road to drive up there, etc. etc. Season pass is less than $1000, everyone has duct tape on their ski gear, etc.
      • lobsterslive 3y ago
        I'll buy that, there are certainly small local mountains out there you can find. I don't know that I'd say the skiing is "great" (or even worth moving for) but they do exist. It may not be popular to say on this site, but there is an issue with living in places like that though... if you're not white, it's going to be really rough going for you, even in "blue" states. I say this as a non-white person who grew up in rural America. The racism is off the charts, you will experience it in every facet of your life, which is really unfortunate because there are a lot of beautiful rural locations in this country that would otherwise be inhabitable if it weren't for that major issue.
• deleted 3y ago
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• aidenn0 3y ago
  > Even when you live near your friends, meeting up can be difficult. I think this depends on your definition of "near." If it's less than a 10 minute walk to your friend, you can meet to hang out for 15 minutes just because your free time happened to line up. Heck, you can do yard work together and chat while doing it!
• kredd 3y ago
  The way I read the article, "live near your friends" means "within 10 minute walk of them", not "20 minute drive". I live 5 minutes walk away from a very close friend of mine, and 10-20 mins from some others. With the closest one, "hey, have you had dinner?" text turns into "cool, same spot, i'll see you in 10 minutes?" at least once a week. That's on top of planned long-term activities. I understand I am very privileged, but we actually made effort to live near each other. Well, it definitely helps that it's a dense neighbourhood of an actual city and not a suburb. It's hard to plan it out, but worth it.
  • slothtrop 3y ago
    As a parent I foresaw that I would make acquaintances with others who go to the park, or live on the street. So far we exchange polite pleasantries but there's just nothing beyond that. It should be unsurprising, the prospect of any change in routine is more uncomfortable and daunting when you're a busy parent, and friendship invites more overhead. There are friends I made after moving to a city that I barely want to see now, mostly because there wasn't enough in common in the first place. Strategy wise if you're unattached and have free time, making commutes to events and planned activities is still a more effective way to make friends.
    • kredd 3y ago
      You’re probably right, since both of my siblings with children have said the same. That being said, it’s more about “living close to your existing friends” rather than “how to make friends in your area”. The latter deserves its own discussion too, as I think it’s not that easy.
    • SoftTalker 3y ago
      Friendships are overhead. If you don't make regular effort to cultivate them, they wither and die. That takes time, and involves tradeoffs or impositions on other things you might want or need to do. The question is whether the benefits are worth it.
      • slothtrop 3y ago
• hibikir 3y ago
  In the US, it's part of the curse of the suburbs: When there are fewer people living near you, going to see anyone involves far more minutes. I think of where I grew up: A very dense city, where streets are narrow, easy to cross, and pre-teens can move around with not just lack of fear, but major convenience. My mother had 4 siblings: All with their families, living in their own apartments. But every apartment was within a 5 minute walk: I could see the other buildings from our building's front door! So if someone needed babysitting, or just had to run random errand, children could be dropped off easily: Cousins almost become brothers when you see them every couple of days anyway. This was also great for organizing activities with classmates. Not only we got to see each other on the street at random, as we did different errands, but organizing to meet in some bench was trivial. RPGs in the weekend? No problem, as a 15 minute walk catches most of the high school's families. Now, in the US suburbs, socialization is more about online gaming, because the number of classmates a 14 year old can reach conveniently is pretty low: You could fit an apartment building with 16-20 families in the space that my suburb dedicates to 2. Access to 10 times the people sure makes living next to a friend much more likely! And since drivers aren't needed to get anything done, a lot of things that are commitments in the suburbs just disappear or are easy to move, as another neighbor can take Timmy to the soccer game, as they also have another kid going to the game anyway, and Timmy can walk himself to the neighbor's door with no hassle. Transit time, and the total dependence of children, are a curse that can be avoided, but we have to do a lot of urban rebuilding for that.
  • HeckFeck 3y ago
    It's so compelling selling the picket house with all the land around it - who doesn't see that as idyllic? But then the hidden costs to community can't really be quantified, and the housing developers are hardly going to think of that. I don't live in the US, but I do wonder what that has done to your social fabric. As well as making much of downtown flattened and made into parking lots for businesses. It is the first thing I notice jumping into any random US town in Street View; such wide spaces between every business on Main St. Who would ever walk there and chance upon a friend when you just dump the car outside and go into the shop or restaurant.
    • 3y ago
• vonnik 3y ago
  One key piece of this that I think it overlooked is how our socio-economy has sold most of us on our difference, we've been very actively individuating and seeking signs of distinction that happen to be items and services we can buy. Adam Curtis made a great documentary that explores this: Century of the Self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ3RzGoQC4s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ3RzGoQC4s All that may make it harder to just "bond with the neighbors", as some in these comments suggest.
• carlosjobim 3y ago
  People also spend their time on a lot of "commitments" that aren't really important. The things you listed are stuff that can be skipped every once in a while if you don't want to go. Children shouldn't have any obligations, that's just something weird, but I know what you're talking about. What most people do is have a lot of "commitments" hanging in the air in their future calendars, so that they can pick what pleases them in the moment. If they're expected at another event, they can blame the full schedule. Not meeting an "old friend" because you have to go do your hobby or celebrate your cousin's kid's birthday usually just means you didn't want to meet that person. When there's a will there's a way. You can always slot in some time if you really want. People spend huge amounts of time watching Netflix, scrolling social media and such. Everybody has time, unless they're a sailor on a nuclear submarine.
• jzb 3y ago
  This is a reason we should hang onto remote work as a first option. Life is too short to have to choose career over family and friends. We work to live. Having to sacrifice proximity to our people is not something we should accept lightly. If a job can be remote it should be.
  • SoftTalker 3y ago
    I would say that for most people I know well, their life is their work, at least in very large part. The ones who "work to live" are mostly doing non-creative task or service-type jobs. Anyone doing anything creative or impactful seems to identify as their job in a pretty significant way. It will be one of the first things they start talking about, other than maybe telling you their name. There is some variation between age groups. The older people I know are very much wrapped up in their work. The younger ones not always so much.