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I am a high functioning depressive, or possibly not depressed at all, I think I am uniquely qualified to speak to the psychology of non-self deception while sti

I am a high functioning depressive, or possibly not depressed at all, I think I am uniquely qualified to speak to the psychology of non-self deception while still being a "high performance" individual, especially compared to my co-hort of "defective children". I was born with heart defects, so during my formative years I was on restricted activities and was constantly confronted with the futility of life, the imminence of death, my memories start at 3, in the days leading up to my first surgery.. for my second procedure at 5 I was scared of not waking back up, by 10 I would wake up from anesthesia disappointed I didn't die on the table, I was happiest in the oblivion and real life had so much struggle. I knew no peers and almost no adults who understood what it was like, much less people willing to talk about it in any serious way. Thought stopping platitudes were the best I could get from most adults, more scared of even talking about death than I was of the thing itself. I pursued religion and even went to seminary, but all the God/Religious concepts we know about really are just disappointing, unhelpful, pastiche or frankly evil at core (Jainism being a strange exception in my mind, even though the common cultural expression of Jainism shares many of the same issues I have with Hinduism). There was a time window in my past when I decided to generally "overshare" my internal thoughts and I stopped after a close friend ended up flippantly saying "well of course, you're obsessed with death.", that's not really the energy I want to put out there. I think people fight very hard to ignore death, that's why existential moments find them in bed at night or when they are alone and quiet with their thoughts. I've been waiting to die for as long as I can remember, my relationship with death is radically inverted so my existential thoughts are as well. If you really soak in this futility, if this sense of "Everything is meaningless and transient" is inculcated in you early enough... unbidden existential thoughts transforms from... "Nothing matters", to "What if everything matters?", I don't know, I don't know enough about reality to "know for sure" that nothing matters. I'm just trying to discover as much stuff as I can and promote environments and attitudes that keep civilization stable enough for us to continue our species level rocket pace of discovery and inquiry. If I was born anywhere else or any earlier I wouldn't exist. I'm just curious to see what happens, what's ultimately true, if we ever figure it out, if we figure it out in my lifetime, if entities and causality are what we think they are now... and I'm going to kick around as long as I can to find out what happens. I think truly embracing intellectual humility is key to happiness and pursuit of life in a world that is -- as experienced -- unjust, random and capricious.

keane 3y ago
I resonate with your the experience you describe, from a different place. Your post reminds me of a quote from Kierkegaard: "If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
corethree 3y ago
Yeah see. Part of your existential problems arise from the fact that you're too honest with yourself. You realize most people don't think religion is evil? How could others come to a completely different conclusion than you? It's because of self deception. They believe an interpretation of religion that best fits their lifestyle. That's the point. You didn't do that. >I think people fight very hard to ignore death, that's why existential moments find them in bed at night or when they are alone and quiet with their thoughts. No you're just projecting. I think people nearer to death fight this thought. But people farther from death easily don't think about it. It's easy for most people not to think about it at all... but not when it's constantly thrown in their face. That's why your friend got pissed at u You're basically exposing his self-deception. He doesn't want to think of that shit. I think if you want to make yourself happier you need to get stupider. Stop thinking about these things. Distract yourself with something you can get lost with so you can't think about things. Surround yourself with yes-men who lie to you, avoid the truth.
- fellowniusmonk 3y ago
  Very good advice :) and that's fair, avoidance isn't necessarily hard work. And, as it turns out I'm perfectly content these days if that didn't come through in my first post. We're all already so stupid by default... if we really stop and admit it to ourselves, even the smartest among us barely know anything at all. I find that extraordinarily exciting, I'm glad I was born during a hockey stick period of growth in knowledge and technology.

keane 3y ago

I resonate with your the experience you describe, from a different place. Your post reminds me of a quote from Kierkegaard: "If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"

corethree 3y ago

Yeah see. Part of your existential problems arise from the fact that you're too honest with yourself. You realize most people don't think religion is evil? How could others come to a completely different conclusion than you? It's because of self deception. They believe an interpretation of religion that best fits their lifestyle. That's the point. You didn't do that. >I think people fight very hard to ignore death, that's why existential moments find them in bed at night or when they are alone and quiet with their thoughts. No you're just projecting. I think people nearer to death fight this thought. But people farther from death easily don't think about it. It's easy for most people not to think about it at all... but not when it's constantly thrown in their face. That's why your friend got pissed at u You're basically exposing his self-deception. He doesn't want to think of that shit. I think if you want to make yourself happier you need to get stupider. Stop thinking about these things. Distract yourself with something you can get lost with so you can't think about things. Surround yourself with yes-men who lie to you, avoid the truth.

fellowniusmonk 3y ago
Very good advice :) and that's fair, avoidance isn't necessarily hard work. And, as it turns out I'm perfectly content these days if that didn't come through in my first post. We're all already so stupid by default... if we really stop and admit it to ourselves, even the smartest among us barely know anything at all. I find that extraordinarily exciting, I'm glad I was born during a hockey stick period of growth in knowledge and technology.