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I mean they really aren't your friends now are they? The relationships are really conditional on your children, not on your own interests and personality. You a

I mean they really aren't your friends now are they? The relationships are really conditional on your children, not on your own interests and personality. You are basically agreeing that you can no longer have friends, but countering that you can choose to socialize with fellow parents. I mean, that's pretty dystopian when you look at it unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. (Disclaimer: single parent)

watwut 3y ago
Female friendships also follow that pattern and the loneliness problem is supposed to be smaller for women. The big thing is that having kids really changes a lot - times when you are available, amount of money you have, the sort of acute problems you have in your life. An adult person with children can not have as much free time as childless one, can not go on longer weekend away as often, can not spend as much time in hobbies. Children's parents are people you meet naturally, in exact same way you meet collegues of people in se share hobby activity.
pixl97 3y ago
>unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. While I don't think that, what's encoded in your DNA puts that up really high on the priority list. No children = DNA line extinction. Therefore the most likely DNA you see are the lines that put a lot of effort into reproducing. The particular issue with having children is you've made a commitment. It's perfectly fine to have non-children conditional relationships until there is a conflict of interest between the two groups. If one group says "come out and drink all night" while the other says "teach your children things make sure you provide them a stable environment", you are probably living a life of regret and should not have had children in the first place.
thelastparadise 3y ago
> unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. No, it's not that, but there are purposes in life aside from social gathering, for which social gathering is a natural side-effect. Going to school or work is a big example. But it can be more subtle: try sometime, look actively for opportunities to help others. That is, don't try to fix them or their situation, but rather look for genuine opportunities where your skills, resources, or luck puts you in a place where your'e able to do something without great cost to yourself, but which has a massive impact on another person. Start racking these up and things may change...
johnnyanmac 3y ago
>I mean they really aren't your friends now are they? The relationships are really conditional on your children, not on your own interests and personality. Is it any different from your "church friends" (contingent to going to church) or your "gym friends" (contingent to going to gym) or your coworkers (contingent on staying at that workplace. i.e. not being laid off or pursuing a better job) who may or may not be friendly? It's how school friends are made, and I'm guessing we all lost contact with many of them upon graduation. Some may become regular friends outside the activity, many probably won't. But bonding over a common interest seems to be the most common first step, and (for better or worse) "having a child of X age" is certainly a vested interest to bond over. >I mean, that's pretty dystopian when you look at it unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. Some may indeed feel that way. But for it being dystopian, I just see it as a way of life. you don't HAVE to make friends with other parents, but it's an avenue that you have that I as a single male would have less access to.
red-iron-pine 3y ago
> You are basically agreeing that you can no longer have friends, but countering that you can choose to socialize with fellow parents. wut. you make friends from the people you're around, not the ideal people you'd like to talk to. like in HS, where often you were friends with the kids in your classes. if you're desperate for people just like you then move to get them, or make the effort to find those groups. there is a cost there, in terms of moving, or babysitters, but that is a choice that can be made. otherwise learn to love people for their foibles and make friends with those nearby.

watwut 3y ago

Female friendships also follow that pattern and the loneliness problem is supposed to be smaller for women. The big thing is that having kids really changes a lot - times when you are available, amount of money you have, the sort of acute problems you have in your life. An adult person with children can not have as much free time as childless one, can not go on longer weekend away as often, can not spend as much time in hobbies. Children's parents are people you meet naturally, in exact same way you meet collegues of people in se share hobby activity.

pixl97 3y ago

>unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. While I don't think that, what's encoded in your DNA puts that up really high on the priority list. No children = DNA line extinction. Therefore the most likely DNA you see are the lines that put a lot of effort into reproducing. The particular issue with having children is you've made a commitment. It's perfectly fine to have non-children conditional relationships until there is a conflict of interest between the two groups. If one group says "come out and drink all night" while the other says "teach your children things make sure you provide them a stable environment", you are probably living a life of regret and should not have had children in the first place.

thelastparadise 3y ago

> unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. No, it's not that, but there are purposes in life aside from social gathering, for which social gathering is a natural side-effect. Going to school or work is a big example. But it can be more subtle: try sometime, look actively for opportunities to help others. That is, don't try to fix them or their situation, but rather look for genuine opportunities where your skills, resources, or luck puts you in a place where your'e able to do something without great cost to yourself, but which has a massive impact on another person. Start racking these up and things may change...

johnnyanmac 3y ago

>I mean they really aren't your friends now are they? The relationships are really conditional on your children, not on your own interests and personality. Is it any different from your "church friends" (contingent to going to church) or your "gym friends" (contingent to going to gym) or your coworkers (contingent on staying at that workplace. i.e. not being laid off or pursuing a better job) who may or may not be friendly? It's how school friends are made, and I'm guessing we all lost contact with many of them upon graduation. Some may become regular friends outside the activity, many probably won't. But bonding over a common interest seems to be the most common first step, and (for better or worse) "having a child of X age" is certainly a vested interest to bond over. >I mean, that's pretty dystopian when you look at it unless you really think that raising children is the highest purpose a person can have. Some may indeed feel that way. But for it being dystopian, I just see it as a way of life. you don't HAVE to make friends with other parents, but it's an avenue that you have that I as a single male would have less access to.

red-iron-pine 3y ago

> You are basically agreeing that you can no longer have friends, but countering that you can choose to socialize with fellow parents. wut. you make friends from the people you're around, not the ideal people you'd like to talk to. like in HS, where often you were friends with the kids in your classes. if you're desperate for people just like you then move to get them, or make the effort to find those groups. there is a cost there, in terms of moving, or babysitters, but that is a choice that can be made. otherwise learn to love people for their foibles and make friends with those nearby.