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Add in regularity. Friendship doesn't happen overnight. I've just started taking up sword fencing again at a local club. It takes time for people to build up a

Add in regularity. Friendship doesn't happen overnight. I've just started taking up sword fencing again at a local club. It takes time for people to build up a rapport of yourself. If I look decent, and turn up each week that's the image I paint. They have no other image of knowing me outside the club so that's the image they'll judge you on. Also, subconsciously shoes are always the first thing a person will home-in on when they encounter you for the first time.

kalupa 3y ago
sorry, I got totally distracted and remembered a strange scene/gag from The IT Crowd ... "The Shoes!" but also this whole comment is probably way more telling of the fact that folks are expecting friendship to just <poof> happen when it really does require conscious, specific effort a lot of the time. We just didn't realize it was so direct when we were all in elementary/highschool/college/firstjob because it was second nature
zoklet-enjoyer 3y ago
I don't look at people's shoes. Why should I care what they wear on their feet? I wear shoes to the point where they're falling apart. If people judge me on that, then I want nothing to do with them.
- atoav 3y ago
  People will judge you on no matter what. That is normal. They don't know you after all. You likely do that too — when someone approaches you on the street you very quickly and intuitively judge their whole being to know whether you need to be on the guard or whether you decide you can have a chat with them. Now unless the rest of the persons appearance gives you other clues totally broken shoes are in my experience a bad sign, most of the time. Of course that is shallow knowledge of a person, and you can't truly judge someone as a person by the clothes they are wearing — but unless you want to get to know everybody you meet deeply before deciding they are not worth your time, clothes can be a fast (but low quality) proxy. That also means your appearance is a fast and low quality proxy based on which others decide whether to talk to you and how they should go into a conversation with you. Thst isn't normative btw., so it doesn't mean you need to wear boring suits all day. You could line two punks up next to each other and have one looking interesting and worth talking to, and the other shady in a bad way.
atoav 3y ago
Good addition to my post. People forget that when they originally made friends (involuntary) regularity was a big part of it. Your parents might have expectwd you to go to $SPORT, so you went and got to know people there, some of which might have become your friends. Same but even greater in magnitude for school. Now some might have terrible memories of school ans maybe never found a decent friend there, but as someone with multiple silblings I can assure you that luck (or the lack thereof) plays a big role when it comes to theae things.
- em-bee 3y ago
  not just regularity of going there yourself, but you also need to pick places or activities where most of the participants are regulars too. and that is more likely the case for small active groups or clubs, not bars or museums. but it could be boardgame nights at a bar, anything that draws only a small group. on events that draw a larger crowd, you have to pay attention to who the regulars are and focus on associating with those if you want to develop any kind of friendship.

kalupa 3y ago

sorry, I got totally distracted and remembered a strange scene/gag from The IT Crowd ... "The Shoes!" but also this whole comment is probably way more telling of the fact that folks are expecting friendship to just <poof> happen when it really does require conscious, specific effort a lot of the time. We just didn't realize it was so direct when we were all in elementary/highschool/college/firstjob because it was second nature

zoklet-enjoyer 3y ago

I don't look at people's shoes. Why should I care what they wear on their feet? I wear shoes to the point where they're falling apart. If people judge me on that, then I want nothing to do with them.

atoav 3y ago
People will judge you on no matter what. That is normal. They don't know you after all. You likely do that too — when someone approaches you on the street you very quickly and intuitively judge their whole being to know whether you need to be on the guard or whether you decide you can have a chat with them. Now unless the rest of the persons appearance gives you other clues totally broken shoes are in my experience a bad sign, most of the time. Of course that is shallow knowledge of a person, and you can't truly judge someone as a person by the clothes they are wearing — but unless you want to get to know everybody you meet deeply before deciding they are not worth your time, clothes can be a fast (but low quality) proxy. That also means your appearance is a fast and low quality proxy based on which others decide whether to talk to you and how they should go into a conversation with you. Thst isn't normative btw., so it doesn't mean you need to wear boring suits all day. You could line two punks up next to each other and have one looking interesting and worth talking to, and the other shady in a bad way.

atoav 3y ago

Good addition to my post. People forget that when they originally made friends (involuntary) regularity was a big part of it. Your parents might have expectwd you to go to $SPORT, so you went and got to know people there, some of which might have become your friends. Same but even greater in magnitude for school. Now some might have terrible memories of school ans maybe never found a decent friend there, but as someone with multiple silblings I can assure you that luck (or the lack thereof) plays a big role when it comes to theae things.

em-bee 3y ago
not just regularity of going there yourself, but you also need to pick places or activities where most of the participants are regulars too. and that is more likely the case for small active groups or clubs, not bars or museums. but it could be boardgame nights at a bar, anything that draws only a small group. on events that draw a larger crowd, you have to pay attention to who the regulars are and focus on associating with those if you want to develop any kind of friendship.