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I grew up poor and financial anxiety was real, I just couldn't fathom how people were living with it. I could barely tolerate it for myself, let alone bring kid

I grew up poor and financial anxiety was real, I just couldn't fathom how people were living with it. I could barely tolerate it for myself, let alone bring kids into the world while being uncertain. It didn't feel like anything condescending, just a lack of understanding. Now I'm very well off and could retire (fat fire equivalent) at 34 and I do want kids.

bradlys 3y ago
I grew up similarly and am also well off financially now too at 33. Yet, I can’t find a woman who would want to have kids with me. The market has changed. Looks is paramount - I worked so hard to be financially stable and didn’t realize that it wasn’t my parents financial situation that had fucked me over so badly in life - it was their dogshit genetics that made me ugly.
- xyzelement 3y ago
  // Looks is paramount - I worked so hard to be financially stable and didn’t realize that it wasn’t my parents financial situation that had fucked me over so badly in life - it was their dogshit genetics that made me ugly. A guy with a job and a gym membership is more attractive than 90% of men by default. Do you really have a "looks problem" that wouldn't be resolved in 12 months by actively working out, eating well, a good haircut and a great wardrobe?
  - antisthenes 3y ago
    > Do you really have a "looks problem" that wouldn't be resolved in 12 months by actively working out, eating well, a good haircut and a great wardrobe? A gym only takes you so far. There are things out of one's control - height, hair pattern, face shape, etc. Although I do believe that you're right in the sense that not being overweight and having a stable job already places you in the top 10-15% of men. It's just that sometimes it's not enough and looks are pretty important for women (even though it's not often said out loud)
    - xyzelement 3y ago
      //It's just that sometimes it's not enough and looks are pretty important for women An obvious counter-point to that are the millions of short/bald/ugly/whatever guys who are married and have kids. FWIW, women are turned off by guys who are gross and don't take care of themselves. A guy who intentionally makes the best of what he's got is already ahead.
      - antisthenes 3y ago
        > An obvious counter-point to that are the millions of short/bald/ugly/whatever guys who are married and have kids. It's a counterpoint only if you don't understand statistics at all. Sure, there are millions of short/bald guys married to women. Out of billions.
        xyzelement 3y ago
        Getting married isn't a random event like a coin landing on heads... You can bias the outcome pretty much 100% through variables under your control like fitness, neatness, personality, sanity, earning power.
        antisthenes 3y ago
        No, not 100%. I've already outlined a number of things that are not under one's control. We don't have to keep going in circles. You're free to disagree.
        red-iron-pine 3y ago
        there are millions of short bald guys who are married just in the US. I can think of, just off the top of my head, like 3+ guys I used to work with. More like 6 if you include friends and my barber. the "I need Looksmaxxing" my appearance is everything screams "I am an incel and can only date supermodels, who seem to reject me"
        antisthenes 3y ago
- WXLCKNO 3y ago
  Sorry to hear that. The comment below does give good advice, presuming you're not an actual goblin and that you're somewhere around average height, you can put odds in your favor by staying fit, well dressed and well groomed. Lack of hair, get hair implants, etc. Get braces or dental work if needed. The result is superficial but the confidence gains will be real and you'll feel better either way. After that I would advise signing up to a rock climbing gym or something and getting out to meet girls in real life, in case your dating app profile still doesn't help by then. I think most of all, let go of your hate towards yourself/your parents/your appearance. This kind of bitterness consumes you after a while and it will show in your personality.
- dwaltrip 3y ago
  The way you carry yourself and the energy you give off matters more than your looks. You sound bitter. That’s an unattractive trait. Your emotions are genuine and shouldn’t be ignored, but you need to process them in a healthy way, let go, and move on. A good therapist is priceless for this. Easier said than done, though. It took me 4 attempts over a few years to find the right one.
- insickness 3y ago
  Looks are important, but you're lucky you're a man because status is just as important, especially if you're older and want to meet younger women. Lean into it: dress sharp, a little dressy and look sophisticated. There is a certain percentage of women who prefer the experienced, financially-set older guy who can show them things the younger guys can't. And to those women, looks are secondary because they don't go for older guys for their looks.
  - bradlys 3y ago
    > but you're lucky you're a man because status is just as important Am I lucky? I work in tech. I'd say about half of the women I talk to at bars in NYC end up turning away as soon as we shift to the discussion of what I do for work. I dress much better than most men but I am short, ugly, and not blessed with the high T that is required to gain lots of muscle mass even if I am in the gym obsessively. Hate to break it to you but the market has changed.
    - red-iron-pine 3y ago
      > only talks to women in bars in NYC > surprised that he only interacts with shallow hoes Never, not once, had a random woman interested in my IT shit unless they're also in STEM themselves. "Boring IT guy shit" is the correct answer, and then change the subject. If they know anything about it or care, they'll ask. You probably just boring. Change that.

bradlys 3y ago

I grew up similarly and am also well off financially now too at 33. Yet, I can’t find a woman who would want to have kids with me. The market has changed. Looks is paramount - I worked so hard to be financially stable and didn’t realize that it wasn’t my parents financial situation that had fucked me over so badly in life - it was their dogshit genetics that made me ugly.

xyzelement 3y ago
// Looks is paramount - I worked so hard to be financially stable and didn’t realize that it wasn’t my parents financial situation that had fucked me over so badly in life - it was their dogshit genetics that made me ugly. A guy with a job and a gym membership is more attractive than 90% of men by default. Do you really have a "looks problem" that wouldn't be resolved in 12 months by actively working out, eating well, a good haircut and a great wardrobe?
- antisthenes 3y ago
  > Do you really have a "looks problem" that wouldn't be resolved in 12 months by actively working out, eating well, a good haircut and a great wardrobe? A gym only takes you so far. There are things out of one's control - height, hair pattern, face shape, etc. Although I do believe that you're right in the sense that not being overweight and having a stable job already places you in the top 10-15% of men. It's just that sometimes it's not enough and looks are pretty important for women (even though it's not often said out loud)
  - xyzelement 3y ago
    //It's just that sometimes it's not enough and looks are pretty important for women An obvious counter-point to that are the millions of short/bald/ugly/whatever guys who are married and have kids. FWIW, women are turned off by guys who are gross and don't take care of themselves. A guy who intentionally makes the best of what he's got is already ahead.
    - antisthenes 3y ago
      > An obvious counter-point to that are the millions of short/bald/ugly/whatever guys who are married and have kids. It's a counterpoint only if you don't understand statistics at all. Sure, there are millions of short/bald guys married to women. Out of billions.
      - xyzelement 3y ago
        Getting married isn't a random event like a coin landing on heads... You can bias the outcome pretty much 100% through variables under your control like fitness, neatness, personality, sanity, earning power.
        antisthenes 3y ago
        No, not 100%. I've already outlined a number of things that are not under one's control. We don't have to keep going in circles. You're free to disagree.
      - red-iron-pine 3y ago
        there are millions of short bald guys who are married just in the US. I can think of, just off the top of my head, like 3+ guys I used to work with. More like 6 if you include friends and my barber. the "I need Looksmaxxing" my appearance is everything screams "I am an incel and can only date supermodels, who seem to reject me"
        antisthenes 3y ago
WXLCKNO 3y ago
Sorry to hear that. The comment below does give good advice, presuming you're not an actual goblin and that you're somewhere around average height, you can put odds in your favor by staying fit, well dressed and well groomed. Lack of hair, get hair implants, etc. Get braces or dental work if needed. The result is superficial but the confidence gains will be real and you'll feel better either way. After that I would advise signing up to a rock climbing gym or something and getting out to meet girls in real life, in case your dating app profile still doesn't help by then. I think most of all, let go of your hate towards yourself/your parents/your appearance. This kind of bitterness consumes you after a while and it will show in your personality.
dwaltrip 3y ago
The way you carry yourself and the energy you give off matters more than your looks. You sound bitter. That’s an unattractive trait. Your emotions are genuine and shouldn’t be ignored, but you need to process them in a healthy way, let go, and move on. A good therapist is priceless for this. Easier said than done, though. It took me 4 attempts over a few years to find the right one.
insickness 3y ago
Looks are important, but you're lucky you're a man because status is just as important, especially if you're older and want to meet younger women. Lean into it: dress sharp, a little dressy and look sophisticated. There is a certain percentage of women who prefer the experienced, financially-set older guy who can show them things the younger guys can't. And to those women, looks are secondary because they don't go for older guys for their looks.
- bradlys 3y ago
  > but you're lucky you're a man because status is just as important Am I lucky? I work in tech. I'd say about half of the women I talk to at bars in NYC end up turning away as soon as we shift to the discussion of what I do for work. I dress much better than most men but I am short, ugly, and not blessed with the high T that is required to gain lots of muscle mass even if I am in the gym obsessively. Hate to break it to you but the market has changed.
  - red-iron-pine 3y ago
    > only talks to women in bars in NYC > surprised that he only interacts with shallow hoes Never, not once, had a random woman interested in my IT shit unless they're also in STEM themselves. "Boring IT guy shit" is the correct answer, and then change the subject. If they know anything about it or care, they'll ask. You probably just boring. Change that.