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The same way you know that what anyone is telling you is true and not something they just made up that you'd agree more strongly with. As in, the trust is there

The same way you know that what anyone is telling you is true and not something they just made up that you'd agree more strongly with. As in, the trust is there until such a time as it has been violated and you have to revisit your priors to reconcile your new world view. My sample size is limited to three, so I cannot claim to be an authority on this. But of those three, one has graduated and the other two are well on their way to do more than that and I've had no reason to suspect they are harboring some secret desires based on things they learned on the internet that they have been patiently waiting for years to put into action. Honestly if they can deceive me for years while watching meaningless TikTok videos that are supposed to corrupt their mind, they are clearly way more prepared for existence in a capitalist society than I ever was.

mrcode007 3y ago
I will just say that it was widely reported that Steve Jobs didn’t let his kids use iPhones and iPads :)
- tstrimple 3y ago
  I’d also be willing to put money on the fact that I spend way more time with my children than someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs did with their children. I’ve worked from home for the last 10 years. I’ve been to every concert and sporting event. I’ve been to every teacher conference. If you don’t actually have a relationship with your children I’d see why you’d need to resort to more draconian policies to impart your will.
kqr 3y ago
I.e. you assume they are transparent until proven otherwise? Fair enough, but not exactly the same as knowing they're transparent! I'm not judging, to be clear. I think that's a healthy policy. I was just curious since humans are great liars and bad lie detectors.
- tstrimple 3y ago
  It's the same as I view the relationship with my wife. I'm not going to assume she's cheating and force her to install spy software so I can monitor all of her activity just to make sure. Of course this doesn't guarantee that she will never cheat, but if you presuppose the outcome it'll be far more likely to end up that way I believe. I've also experienced that this extension of trust is reciprocated. One time my son was hanging out with some of his friends after high school. He's not one to make friends easily and this was one of the few times he went out on an "adventure" like this. They did typical teenage boy hooligan stuff. He was comfortable enough to tell me about what they had gotten up to so we were able to have a discussion around it and I explained the likely outcomes of continuing down that sort of path. At some point that "harmless fun" can become a lot less harmless and have real consequences. I didn't have to ground him or ban him from seeing those kids again. He took the lesson and ran with it. I'd never want my son to feel like he has to hide something like that from me, and I feel if you're going too authoritarian you corrode the trust that let's them be honest with you. When my kids are in trouble, I want them to think of me as a possible solution and not someone they have to hide it from instead. Again, I won't claim to be any sort of expert on this. I parent like anyone else. As best we can with the tools we're given. My sample size is small with 9, 11 (10 & 12 this month!), and and 18 year old. But I know for a fact I would never have told my parents about any shenanigans I got up to and I'm having conversations with my kids that I couldn't have imagined having with my parents. We never had that sort of relationship.

mrcode007 3y ago

I will just say that it was widely reported that Steve Jobs didn’t let his kids use iPhones and iPads :)

tstrimple 3y ago
I’d also be willing to put money on the fact that I spend way more time with my children than someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs did with their children. I’ve worked from home for the last 10 years. I’ve been to every concert and sporting event. I’ve been to every teacher conference. If you don’t actually have a relationship with your children I’d see why you’d need to resort to more draconian policies to impart your will.

kqr 3y ago

I.e. you assume they are transparent until proven otherwise? Fair enough, but not exactly the same as knowing they're transparent! I'm not judging, to be clear. I think that's a healthy policy. I was just curious since humans are great liars and bad lie detectors.

tstrimple 3y ago
It's the same as I view the relationship with my wife. I'm not going to assume she's cheating and force her to install spy software so I can monitor all of her activity just to make sure. Of course this doesn't guarantee that she will never cheat, but if you presuppose the outcome it'll be far more likely to end up that way I believe. I've also experienced that this extension of trust is reciprocated. One time my son was hanging out with some of his friends after high school. He's not one to make friends easily and this was one of the few times he went out on an "adventure" like this. They did typical teenage boy hooligan stuff. He was comfortable enough to tell me about what they had gotten up to so we were able to have a discussion around it and I explained the likely outcomes of continuing down that sort of path. At some point that "harmless fun" can become a lot less harmless and have real consequences. I didn't have to ground him or ban him from seeing those kids again. He took the lesson and ran with it. I'd never want my son to feel like he has to hide something like that from me, and I feel if you're going too authoritarian you corrode the trust that let's them be honest with you. When my kids are in trouble, I want them to think of me as a possible solution and not someone they have to hide it from instead. Again, I won't claim to be any sort of expert on this. I parent like anyone else. As best we can with the tools we're given. My sample size is small with 9, 11 (10 & 12 this month!), and and 18 year old. But I know for a fact I would never have told my parents about any shenanigans I got up to and I'm having conversations with my kids that I couldn't have imagined having with my parents. We never had that sort of relationship.