12 ms·

I don't know who I am anymore and I can't tell anyone

44 points by joedoe 15y ago

Inspired by "I'm burning out and I can't tell anyone". My story is about the same. I think I'm at the stage that comes after the burning out. I'm a single, 30yo, systems architect at a quite known and popular Web company (top 30). I also have a strong open-source persona and pretty useful projects out there (overall around 2000 watchers, I guess). HN score of about 1400, all from feedback on projects I've released. I'm the guy who always get a crazy eyebrow raised when people hear I don't have my own start up yet. I get tons of offers from CTOs, CEOs and founders to co-found/participate, and I usually think of the people offering them as misguided and naive. And if we're anonymous, let me throw in that I used to be a hacker, cracker, around 13 years ago, when I was in high school. End background. I find myself waking up at 8:30am, at work at 9:30am, finishing up at 19:30-20:00pm and at home by 21:30pm tops (I'm not living in the US). I still have most of my vacation quota unused. This leaves me with about 3 hours of free time where I do my open source work. Of that I allocate 1 hour to my girlfriend daily. I tried managing my life the traditional ways, and non-traditional ways (kanban). I even tried putting home tasks on a kanban and trying to measure velocity. All to get more time out of a day, more efficiently. I'm constantly in burn-out mode, but I found that I can take it. I become depressed, agonized, my back is killing me (even though I am in top shape -- used to compete athletically) and I cry like a girl alone sometimes. But then I pick myself up and move on; pick a task and do it. Hero? no. I got back to my home town yesterday (writing this hung over). Met my old friends: married + kids, and the sorts. Simple jobs (bus driver, photographer), 0-stress. Where am I? where is the _exquisite_ systems architect? yes, I solve crazy problems (over 100M users), scalability and performance is my motto, but still struggling with a couple hours of free time per day, making my employer's dream come true (On several occasions, I had direct first hand influence on company's success -- i.e. if no me, no success, or at least considerable fiasco). I have no friends (its quite hard to keep in touch when you have a couple hours a day, which you already use up). I barely see my family. I'm not half the man I used to be, before the University-startup-startup-startup-enterprise-startup jobs run. Should I give up everything to be a bus driver, a photographer, and move to a quiet town, leave the city and all of my skills and knowledge? I don't know who I am anymore. That's the question that bothers me. Anyone recognizes this?

exit 15y ago
> I'm a single, 30yo, systems architect at a quite known and popular Web company (top 30). but then you say: > Of that I allocate 1 hour to my girlfriend daily. ...?
- joedoe 15y ago
  I allow myself to be honest. Single as in "not married". I spend an hour of quality time with my girlfriend, out of the 3 or 4 hours I get a day.
  - AznHisoka 15y ago
    you know, the formal definition of single, I thought was to be not married. In forms, they ask if you're single or married.
mikecane 15y ago
Man, use some of that vacation time. And during it cut all tech ties. Take a bunch of books -- good books (not tech ones, although science is OK), can even be eBooks (if on a device without Net access!) -- and do nothing but relax and read and think. Look, the human mind needs time for reflection, for expansion. Without it, you get caught up in the cycle you're in right now, with seeming no way out. It's not just your back that's aching, it's your mind. You just don't recognize it.
dkersten 15y ago
Should I give up everything to be a bus driver, a photographer, and move to a quiet town... Anyone recognizes this? I do recognize this, though not anywhere near as severe. I keep telling myself that if I ever were to get so bad that my non-work life and health quality drop significantly, I'll drop everything and become an Alpaca farmer (that was a running joke when I was in uni, but nowadays I feel like perhaps someday I'd like to do that for real). I don't have as much experience with high pressure work and burn out as you do, but a few years ago, before I quit my job to work on startups and contract stuff, I was getting pretty burnt out working in telecoms. Similar deal, though not as severe (I didn't work as long hours, for example, but I rarely used my holiday time). Also, some personal stuff made the burnout all the worse. I quit my job and took a month to relax before starting contract work and other projects. Looking back, I think its very important to make sure you use your holiday time and to disconnect yourself completely from anything work related (which for me means to stay away from the computer altogether as much as I can).

44 points by joedoe 15y ago

exit 15y ago

> I'm a single, 30yo, systems architect at a quite known and popular Web company (top 30). but then you say: > Of that I allocate 1 hour to my girlfriend daily. ...?

joedoe 15y ago
I allow myself to be honest. Single as in "not married". I spend an hour of quality time with my girlfriend, out of the 3 or 4 hours I get a day.
- AznHisoka 15y ago
  you know, the formal definition of single, I thought was to be not married. In forms, they ask if you're single or married.

mikecane 15y ago

Man, use some of that vacation time. And during it cut all tech ties. Take a bunch of books -- good books (not tech ones, although science is OK), can even be eBooks (if on a device without Net access!) -- and do nothing but relax and read and think. Look, the human mind needs time for reflection, for expansion. Without it, you get caught up in the cycle you're in right now, with seeming no way out. It's not just your back that's aching, it's your mind. You just don't recognize it.

dkersten 15y ago

Should I give up everything to be a bus driver, a photographer, and move to a quiet town... Anyone recognizes this? I do recognize this, though not anywhere near as severe. I keep telling myself that if I ever were to get so bad that my non-work life and health quality drop significantly, I'll drop everything and become an Alpaca farmer (that was a running joke when I was in uni, but nowadays I feel like perhaps someday I'd like to do that for real). I don't have as much experience with high pressure work and burn out as you do, but a few years ago, before I quit my job to work on startups and contract stuff, I was getting pretty burnt out working in telecoms. Similar deal, though not as severe (I didn't work as long hours, for example, but I rarely used my holiday time). Also, some personal stuff made the burnout all the worse. I quit my job and took a month to relax before starting contract work and other projects. Looking back, I think its very important to make sure you use your holiday time and to disconnect yourself completely from anything work related (which for me means to stay away from the computer altogether as much as I can).