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Wow. This is such an original take. I think it's utterly fascinating and borderline genius - no joke - to tie this alleged impulse for pity/sympathy to the aban

Wow. This is such an original take. I think it's utterly fascinating and borderline genius - no joke - to tie this alleged impulse for pity/sympathy to the abandonment of family bonds in western culture. That abandonment is what allows individuals to pursue all these artistic and footloose paths without having to care for their elders, but it's also what alienates them from a framework of people who would care about what they do. In my experience, so much of what you do for kinship is based on guilt, that I find it hard to trust that my kin actually care for anything I ever did. (This could just be because I'm Jewish, but go with me here for a second). My first and last fans have always been my brother and my mom, since I was 12 years old strumming a guitar, all the way through sort-of-rock touring status with a few hundred people per show, up til I'm no longer playing music but for late night solo demos to a few people. One has to ask: Are my kin only kind to my efforts out of some sense of mutual support rooted in guilt if they don't respond? I think that question kind of answers itself. So then, what about people who don't have anyone who they can email music to at 3am who has to pretend to like it? What becomes of those people? It all jives. I think you nailed it. The public pity party is directly related to lacking a family who'll bullshit and pacify you for your own good.

danmaz74 3y ago
This might surprise you, but as a parent, I can tell you that seeing my daughter happy makes me happy. Yes, sometimes you do things out of guilt, but that's not the prime mover most of the time.
brabel 3y ago
> One has to ask: Are my kin only kind to my efforts out of some sense of mutual support rooted in guilt if they don't respond? I am not sure what you expect from your relatives... do you expect them to tell you objectively whether you're good? Are they experts guitar critiques?? Even if they were, do you think asking them for feedback would get you the most honest answer? Do you have children? Would you tell them honestly if you thought they sucked? And "honestly" here is impossible, you'll be totally biased if you're like most parents and will probably actually believe your children are great even when most other people would disagree. If you truly wanted actual feedback, you would seek that from your peers, not your mom. That can of course be brutal, but that's what you should really seek if you're interested in knowing just how good you are. Your peers can be unjust, of course (and if they're your friends, they will also be too biased or too embarrassed to give you real feedback)... but at least you have a better chance of knowing the truth, and hopefully where you need to improve, by asking people who actually know the stuff and been through the same journey as you're trying to embark on. Finally, to know whether you were actually good is impossible, and as the article says, perhaps you just weren't as good as you thought and having people cheer you on out of pitty would just prolongue your illusion?! I used to play as well, and it did come as a shock when I finally understood that I (and my band - except one of the guys who went on to become moderately successful years later, and is still a professional musician) just weren't very good compared to the big bands getting more success than us, and that perhaps that outcome was not actually unfair at all.
- noduerme 3y ago
  I think you're reading me wrong. I'm saying that I've accepted exactly this: I was never as good as I wanted to be as a musician. I did always judge myself more quickly and more harshly than anyone else would. I did accept that it wasn't going to be a sustainable career. I'm writing, in all earnestness, to say that I'm glad my 80 year old mom is still my biggest fan. For what it's worth, my father told me when I was 15 that I'd never be any good and I should give up music, so family isn't all roses. I was just drawing on this as an example of how family can alleviate that itchy need to be recognized which can lead people down a path of self-pity as opposed to a balanced view of their own importance (or lack thereof).
  - brabel 3y ago
    Sorry... comments on the Internet are always without any context so everyone just goes into the direction they see given their own context (which is what I did).
    - noduerme 3y ago
      Totally cool. I think I went off a bit half-cocked on the original comment as well. I didn't communicate what I meant very clearly. Probably a better conversation to have over a beer.

danmaz74 3y ago

This might surprise you, but as a parent, I can tell you that seeing my daughter happy makes me happy. Yes, sometimes you do things out of guilt, but that's not the prime mover most of the time.

brabel 3y ago

> One has to ask: Are my kin only kind to my efforts out of some sense of mutual support rooted in guilt if they don't respond? I am not sure what you expect from your relatives... do you expect them to tell you objectively whether you're good? Are they experts guitar critiques?? Even if they were, do you think asking them for feedback would get you the most honest answer? Do you have children? Would you tell them honestly if you thought they sucked? And "honestly" here is impossible, you'll be totally biased if you're like most parents and will probably actually believe your children are great even when most other people would disagree. If you truly wanted actual feedback, you would seek that from your peers, not your mom. That can of course be brutal, but that's what you should really seek if you're interested in knowing just how good you are. Your peers can be unjust, of course (and if they're your friends, they will also be too biased or too embarrassed to give you real feedback)... but at least you have a better chance of knowing the truth, and hopefully where you need to improve, by asking people who actually know the stuff and been through the same journey as you're trying to embark on. Finally, to know whether you were actually good is impossible, and as the article says, perhaps you just weren't as good as you thought and having people cheer you on out of pitty would just prolongue your illusion?! I used to play as well, and it did come as a shock when I finally understood that I (and my band - except one of the guys who went on to become moderately successful years later, and is still a professional musician) just weren't very good compared to the big bands getting more success than us, and that perhaps that outcome was not actually unfair at all.

noduerme 3y ago
I think you're reading me wrong. I'm saying that I've accepted exactly this: I was never as good as I wanted to be as a musician. I did always judge myself more quickly and more harshly than anyone else would. I did accept that it wasn't going to be a sustainable career. I'm writing, in all earnestness, to say that I'm glad my 80 year old mom is still my biggest fan. For what it's worth, my father told me when I was 15 that I'd never be any good and I should give up music, so family isn't all roses. I was just drawing on this as an example of how family can alleviate that itchy need to be recognized which can lead people down a path of self-pity as opposed to a balanced view of their own importance (or lack thereof).
- brabel 3y ago
  Sorry... comments on the Internet are always without any context so everyone just goes into the direction they see given their own context (which is what I did).
  - noduerme 3y ago
    Totally cool. I think I went off a bit half-cocked on the original comment as well. I didn't communicate what I meant very clearly. Probably a better conversation to have over a beer.