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As a kid, I had extreme social anxiety. I had a hard time talking to people and making friends. I never felt like I “belonged.” As an adult, I still have cripp

As a kid, I had extreme social anxiety. I had a hard time talking to people and making friends. I never felt like I “belonged.” As an adult, I still have crippling social anxiety. I can’t speak for everywhere, I’m pretty much only in the U.S., but I’ve noticed that most fellow adults I come across are chronically deprived of social interaction. My social anxiety doesn’t actually matter. Me being awkward, and weird, and a little bit out there doesn’t actually matter. If you talk to people, ask them questions about themselves, laugh with them when they want to laugh, listen to them when they want to vent, rant with them when they want to rant, and feel pain with them when they’re vulnerable, a sweeping majority of the people I’ve met in the U.S. engage. And the more you do it, the more you realize the world is actually full of amazing people. They’re all living their lives, making mistakes, getting things wrong, and making bad calls. But overwhelmingly they’re trying to figure life out and get through the best they can; and they want people with them on that journey. I still have crippling social anxiety but my friend group is steadily growing and it feels good. I still play the fun game in my head of “haha did we all have a good time today or did I actually say something terrible and now everyone hates me or thinks I’m a fool?” on pretty much a daily basis. But I wouldn’t go back to being lonely. Not just for me, but for these amazing people who want more folks with them on their journey.

NegativeK 3y ago
Rationally, I know what you've said to be the truth. In reality, I cut my own hair because it stresses me out to go to a Greatclips.
- boredumb 3y ago
  Hey I save dozens of dollars cutting my own hair each year! I'm no longer socially anxious but it's a habit I developed 15 years ago thanks to it!
- jhardy54 3y ago
  In your defense, if you asked me where to get this most stressful haircut, I’d suggest Great Clips.
- malikNF 3y ago
  I used to have trouble going to get my hair cut after a barber clipped my ear with a blade. Whenever I go to a new city what I do is, I read up a ton of reviews from multiple sources and find a few barbers I think ill like. Then I go for a quick trim to understand how comfortable I feel around them (this is the hardest part, I usually explain to them about my anxiety before I make a booking except for one instance everyone is really understanding usually), I have been lucky enough to find someone good after trying 2-3 barbers. My current barber is an awesome older gentleman from Iran who migrated to the same city as I am, knows my exact haircut I want, so all I have to do is show up on time and get a great stress free haircut, and get to hear some really interesting story from him. lol if I go out of the city for a while, I wont mind looking like an escaped lunatic for a few days extra until I come back home.
  - jay_kyburz 3y ago
    I went for a haircut in the US once and I didn't know you were supposed to tip. I still remember the offended look on the barbers face when I held out my hand for my change. That was 20 years ago. Now days I don't care as much and just do my own with the clippers and save myself $40. Can you believe a hair cut at the barber costs $40 now here in Australia. You know you are getting old when everything seems shockingly expensive.
    - Melting_Harps 3y ago
      > You know you are getting old when everything seems shockingly expensive. Or conversely you have vivid memories of how quickly the AUD, or USD or any fiat currency really has been so immensely rapidly inflated in the last 20 years; hell just in the last 3 years its been from tolerable to eye watering to get a haircut. I like my barber, she is the head stylist-owner and I don't mind paying nearly $50 (with tip), but that is also because she does such a good job and we talk shop and what good restaurants still exist. It's also that I can trim it on my own for a month later to keep my sculpted hair style in a customer facing role for that cost. I used to get a haircut twice a month when I was in HS, and they were $10, because it gave me a place where I could hang out on the weekend and chat for a few hours. I also realized I had developed a taste for aged and smoked whisky at 15 despite hating the smell of cigarettes in that place. I have several size clippers with all the accessories and while I played around with the idea of doing my own hair, as I had during COVID, the truth is I'd rather pay a pro for something that I don't have to much to look good. Mine always were passable from about 7 feet away kind of things because I can't properly fade, mine always look like I'm 3 weeks from my last haircut as a result.
- presentation 3y ago
  You’re good at what you practice and bad at what you don’t. If this bothers you then just go to the salon it until it stops being stressful.
- climb_stealth 3y ago
  What I learned is that it makes a huge difference to get a haircut from someone professional. Going to some cheap random mall hair place is a terrible experience. They don't care about their work, it's going to be awkward and it'll look terrible. I have been going to a fancy hair place in recent years. AUD $85 seems like a lot of money for a mens haircut, but it makes all the difference. It's a proper craft. No "what haircut would you like?", instead it's pretty much at her discretion and suited to the actual person. Zero regrets.
  - climb_stealth 3y ago
    Adding to this, I'd like to say that it's the difference between getting your code written by some outsourced underpaid and overworked junior and someone who has a decade of experience and clearly takes pride in their craftsmanship.
    - Terr_ 3y ago
      But Tonsorial Debt grows on its own even when the use-cases have been static for years. :P
  - mlinhares 3y ago
    Nah, you can definitely find great people that love their jobs even at places like that. I used to cut at a Supercuts in PHL (the Rodin place one for those in the know) and there was this great lady there that was both very skillful and incredibly nice, we always had great conversations.
    - climb_stealth 3y ago
      Agreed, I don't doubt that. But starting from a place of anxiety I'd say it is much more likely to come away with a bad experience from there. At least that has been my experience.
  - pbourke 3y ago
    Counterpoint: I am much, much more comfortable at the cheapo place at the mall than at some fancy pants salon. Find what works for you.
- Obscurity4340 3y ago
  It helps to get the same person too. It is unnerving having a different person each time cutting your hair, I'd rather have someone who's "done me before" than play with dice over it. A bad haircut is a nightmare
- codersfocus 3y ago
  Just go to an ethnic barber that doesn’t speak English lol
squonch 3y ago
One way around social anxiety: think about how little you care about the person in front of you. If you heard that they died how long would you be thinking about it? That’s how much they care about what you do. Or don’t do.
- saghm 3y ago
  You're assuming that anxiety can be mitigated by just logically convincing oneself that there's no need to be anxious. This might be the case for some people, but for many of us it's a fundamentally irrational condition; the issue isn't that I think something bad will happen if I talk to someone and make a mistake, it's that sometimes having to talk to someone _is_ the bad thing I don't want to happen. You've probably met people who are afraid of spiders, or snakes, or something of that nature, even the ones that don't pose a threat, and the issue is similar here;
  - filleduchaos 3y ago
    But anxiety CAN be mitigated by logically convincing yourself that there's no need to be (as) anxious in the moment. That's the whole point of various forms of behavioural therapy: to teach you ways to arrest spiralling, maladaptive thoughts and lead them to a more functional landing.
agumonkey 3y ago
- "modern" also ~optimize for social fluidity, you can do everything alone, in your flat, no need to be bothered by others right ? until you end up sad and addicted to fill the void (capitalism/consumerism makes money on this.. people need money so it's a downlevelling cycle) - long ago, when i was crippled socially, i ended up at a birthday party, i didn't speak 95% of the time, drank some whiskey to pass the time. the next morning i was happier and healthier than i've been for a long time. somehow being surrounded, seeing others, even afar, satisfies something in your brain people are weird, i am weird, it's .. weird we don't connect that much, or maybe our lifestyles cut us from a natural emerging habit of being together and we forgot how to bootstrap it back
nicbou 3y ago
One thing that helps is to consider how much you've gained by trying and failing to socialise versus not trying at all. My failures to fit in were far less impactful than my failures to try. So I try more. I know that you can't rationalise your way out of irrational fears, but the thought still helps.
whitepaint 3y ago
Just keep doing what you're doing. Like with everything, expose yourself to your fear and it'll get better. > I still play the fun game in my head of “haha did we all have a good time today or did I actually say something terrible and now everyone hates me or thinks I’m a fool?” Appearing as a fool, saying controversial things, getting rejected over and over again - that is how you get over social anxiety. - Someone who had a great deal of social anxiety and now has no problem at all meeting random strangers at random events.
- prox 3y ago
  Exposing yourself to fear doesn’t work for everyone (though good to hear it worked for you!) For some it activates the parasympathetic nervous system too much and you won’t have much luck easing the anxiety. Other means are available, often therapy or learning ways to cope with Parasympathetic activation. Usually focussed on calming the nervous system through various methods.
  - refurb 3y ago
    You need tools to help deal with the anxiety, but exposure therapy and CBT is pretty much the only thing that can help resolve anxiety long-term. Avoiding anxiety producing situations usually just makes it worse.
- MSFT_Edging 3y ago
  > Appearing as a fool, saying controversial things, getting rejected over and over again - that is how you get over social anxiety. This works well, only thing is sometimes you start having fun with it and then you're always saying the wrong things but not caring.
  - whitepaint 3y ago
    This is a good point. You might become a confident asshole who wants to compensate for all the suffering that you experienced because of social anxiety.
nvarsj 3y ago
I'm not usually one for drugs, but the thing that helped me get out of extreme social anxiety (I had selective mutism into my 20s), was anti-anxiety meds (off-label Modafinil). I didn't take it for long, but being able to be in a social situation without that feeling of dread and anxiety was actually mind blowing. It helped me recognize a state of mind where I didn't immediately go to massive anxiety. After that, with therapy and forcing myself to do more social interactions, I got into a much better place. I still have some anxiety, but it's largely manageable - and most people think I'm quite social now. It's something you might want to consider talking to a doctor about. I don't think anyone should have to suffer from social anxiety if there is some option to help them get out of it.
- maayank 3y ago
  Can you tell more about using modafinil for anti anxiety? I only heard about it in the context of wakefulness
  - Mezzie 3y ago
    I have modafinil for a different off-label use, but it has been helpful for some of my anxiety's symptoms. It's helpful for the brain fog and the paralyzing that comes with 'too many things to do = shut down and do NOTHING and PANIC' type of being overwhelmed. Makes me REALLY irritable though.
  - nvarsj 3y ago
    There is off label usage for depression and anxiety. No idea if it would help everyone but it certainly did for me in the short time I took it. I didn't like taking it longer term - it made me very irritable. The only time I've ever yelled/got angry on the spot at someone was when on mod - and it surprised and scared me. It also gave me bad stomach cramps.
- mgalgs 3y ago
  Magic mushrooms are another fantastic option if you're in a legal jurisdiction and medically able!
pkphilip 3y ago
I found that listening is a lot easier than talking. Just plain listening and paying full attention to the person - that is, making eye contact, acknowledging when they say something, asking stuff based on what they are saying etc. I find that easier to do than actually talking
electrondood 3y ago
L-theanine and/or magnesium can be a godsend for social anxiety.
tut-urut-utut 3y ago
Dale Carnegie approves.

NegativeK 3y ago

Rationally, I know what you've said to be the truth. In reality, I cut my own hair because it stresses me out to go to a Greatclips.

boredumb 3y ago
Hey I save dozens of dollars cutting my own hair each year! I'm no longer socially anxious but it's a habit I developed 15 years ago thanks to it!
jhardy54 3y ago
In your defense, if you asked me where to get this most stressful haircut, I’d suggest Great Clips.
malikNF 3y ago
I used to have trouble going to get my hair cut after a barber clipped my ear with a blade. Whenever I go to a new city what I do is, I read up a ton of reviews from multiple sources and find a few barbers I think ill like. Then I go for a quick trim to understand how comfortable I feel around them (this is the hardest part, I usually explain to them about my anxiety before I make a booking except for one instance everyone is really understanding usually), I have been lucky enough to find someone good after trying 2-3 barbers. My current barber is an awesome older gentleman from Iran who migrated to the same city as I am, knows my exact haircut I want, so all I have to do is show up on time and get a great stress free haircut, and get to hear some really interesting story from him. lol if I go out of the city for a while, I wont mind looking like an escaped lunatic for a few days extra until I come back home.
- jay_kyburz 3y ago
  I went for a haircut in the US once and I didn't know you were supposed to tip. I still remember the offended look on the barbers face when I held out my hand for my change. That was 20 years ago. Now days I don't care as much and just do my own with the clippers and save myself $40. Can you believe a hair cut at the barber costs $40 now here in Australia. You know you are getting old when everything seems shockingly expensive.
  - Melting_Harps 3y ago
    > You know you are getting old when everything seems shockingly expensive. Or conversely you have vivid memories of how quickly the AUD, or USD or any fiat currency really has been so immensely rapidly inflated in the last 20 years; hell just in the last 3 years its been from tolerable to eye watering to get a haircut. I like my barber, she is the head stylist-owner and I don't mind paying nearly $50 (with tip), but that is also because she does such a good job and we talk shop and what good restaurants still exist. It's also that I can trim it on my own for a month later to keep my sculpted hair style in a customer facing role for that cost. I used to get a haircut twice a month when I was in HS, and they were $10, because it gave me a place where I could hang out on the weekend and chat for a few hours. I also realized I had developed a taste for aged and smoked whisky at 15 despite hating the smell of cigarettes in that place. I have several size clippers with all the accessories and while I played around with the idea of doing my own hair, as I had during COVID, the truth is I'd rather pay a pro for something that I don't have to much to look good. Mine always were passable from about 7 feet away kind of things because I can't properly fade, mine always look like I'm 3 weeks from my last haircut as a result.
presentation 3y ago
You’re good at what you practice and bad at what you don’t. If this bothers you then just go to the salon it until it stops being stressful.
climb_stealth 3y ago
What I learned is that it makes a huge difference to get a haircut from someone professional. Going to some cheap random mall hair place is a terrible experience. They don't care about their work, it's going to be awkward and it'll look terrible. I have been going to a fancy hair place in recent years. AUD $85 seems like a lot of money for a mens haircut, but it makes all the difference. It's a proper craft. No "what haircut would you like?", instead it's pretty much at her discretion and suited to the actual person. Zero regrets.
- climb_stealth 3y ago
  Adding to this, I'd like to say that it's the difference between getting your code written by some outsourced underpaid and overworked junior and someone who has a decade of experience and clearly takes pride in their craftsmanship.
  - Terr_ 3y ago
    But Tonsorial Debt grows on its own even when the use-cases have been static for years. :P
- mlinhares 3y ago
  Nah, you can definitely find great people that love their jobs even at places like that. I used to cut at a Supercuts in PHL (the Rodin place one for those in the know) and there was this great lady there that was both very skillful and incredibly nice, we always had great conversations.
  - climb_stealth 3y ago
    Agreed, I don't doubt that. But starting from a place of anxiety I'd say it is much more likely to come away with a bad experience from there. At least that has been my experience.
- pbourke 3y ago
  Counterpoint: I am much, much more comfortable at the cheapo place at the mall than at some fancy pants salon. Find what works for you.
Obscurity4340 3y ago
It helps to get the same person too. It is unnerving having a different person each time cutting your hair, I'd rather have someone who's "done me before" than play with dice over it. A bad haircut is a nightmare
codersfocus 3y ago
Just go to an ethnic barber that doesn’t speak English lol

squonch 3y ago

One way around social anxiety: think about how little you care about the person in front of you. If you heard that they died how long would you be thinking about it? That’s how much they care about what you do. Or don’t do.

saghm 3y ago
You're assuming that anxiety can be mitigated by just logically convincing oneself that there's no need to be anxious. This might be the case for some people, but for many of us it's a fundamentally irrational condition; the issue isn't that I think something bad will happen if I talk to someone and make a mistake, it's that sometimes having to talk to someone _is_ the bad thing I don't want to happen. You've probably met people who are afraid of spiders, or snakes, or something of that nature, even the ones that don't pose a threat, and the issue is similar here;
- filleduchaos 3y ago
  But anxiety CAN be mitigated by logically convincing yourself that there's no need to be (as) anxious in the moment. That's the whole point of various forms of behavioural therapy: to teach you ways to arrest spiralling, maladaptive thoughts and lead them to a more functional landing.

agumonkey 3y ago

- "modern" also ~optimize for social fluidity, you can do everything alone, in your flat, no need to be bothered by others right ? until you end up sad and addicted to fill the void (capitalism/consumerism makes money on this.. people need money so it's a downlevelling cycle) - long ago, when i was crippled socially, i ended up at a birthday party, i didn't speak 95% of the time, drank some whiskey to pass the time. the next morning i was happier and healthier than i've been for a long time. somehow being surrounded, seeing others, even afar, satisfies something in your brain people are weird, i am weird, it's .. weird we don't connect that much, or maybe our lifestyles cut us from a natural emerging habit of being together and we forgot how to bootstrap it back

nicbou 3y ago

One thing that helps is to consider how much you've gained by trying and failing to socialise versus not trying at all. My failures to fit in were far less impactful than my failures to try. So I try more. I know that you can't rationalise your way out of irrational fears, but the thought still helps.

whitepaint 3y ago

Just keep doing what you're doing. Like with everything, expose yourself to your fear and it'll get better. > I still play the fun game in my head of “haha did we all have a good time today or did I actually say something terrible and now everyone hates me or thinks I’m a fool?” Appearing as a fool, saying controversial things, getting rejected over and over again - that is how you get over social anxiety. - Someone who had a great deal of social anxiety and now has no problem at all meeting random strangers at random events.

prox 3y ago
Exposing yourself to fear doesn’t work for everyone (though good to hear it worked for you!) For some it activates the parasympathetic nervous system too much and you won’t have much luck easing the anxiety. Other means are available, often therapy or learning ways to cope with Parasympathetic activation. Usually focussed on calming the nervous system through various methods.
- refurb 3y ago
  You need tools to help deal with the anxiety, but exposure therapy and CBT is pretty much the only thing that can help resolve anxiety long-term. Avoiding anxiety producing situations usually just makes it worse.
MSFT_Edging 3y ago
> Appearing as a fool, saying controversial things, getting rejected over and over again - that is how you get over social anxiety. This works well, only thing is sometimes you start having fun with it and then you're always saying the wrong things but not caring.
- whitepaint 3y ago
  This is a good point. You might become a confident asshole who wants to compensate for all the suffering that you experienced because of social anxiety.

nvarsj 3y ago

I'm not usually one for drugs, but the thing that helped me get out of extreme social anxiety (I had selective mutism into my 20s), was anti-anxiety meds (off-label Modafinil). I didn't take it for long, but being able to be in a social situation without that feeling of dread and anxiety was actually mind blowing. It helped me recognize a state of mind where I didn't immediately go to massive anxiety. After that, with therapy and forcing myself to do more social interactions, I got into a much better place. I still have some anxiety, but it's largely manageable - and most people think I'm quite social now. It's something you might want to consider talking to a doctor about. I don't think anyone should have to suffer from social anxiety if there is some option to help them get out of it.

maayank 3y ago
Can you tell more about using modafinil for anti anxiety? I only heard about it in the context of wakefulness
- Mezzie 3y ago
  I have modafinil for a different off-label use, but it has been helpful for some of my anxiety's symptoms. It's helpful for the brain fog and the paralyzing that comes with 'too many things to do = shut down and do NOTHING and PANIC' type of being overwhelmed. Makes me REALLY irritable though.
- nvarsj 3y ago
  There is off label usage for depression and anxiety. No idea if it would help everyone but it certainly did for me in the short time I took it. I didn't like taking it longer term - it made me very irritable. The only time I've ever yelled/got angry on the spot at someone was when on mod - and it surprised and scared me. It also gave me bad stomach cramps.
mgalgs 3y ago
Magic mushrooms are another fantastic option if you're in a legal jurisdiction and medically able!

pkphilip 3y ago

I found that listening is a lot easier than talking. Just plain listening and paying full attention to the person - that is, making eye contact, acknowledging when they say something, asking stuff based on what they are saying etc. I find that easier to do than actually talking

electrondood 3y ago

L-theanine and/or magnesium can be a godsend for social anxiety.

tut-urut-utut 3y ago

Dale Carnegie approves.