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My number one advice for handling difficult people is try not to internalize their behavior. It’s not about you or anything you did. It’s a “them” problem. Art
by softwaredoug 3y ago
My number one advice for handling difficult people is try not to internalize their behavior. It’s not about you or anything you did. It’s a “them” problem.
Articles like this can make people on the receiving end of bad behavior are somehow at fault because they’re not saying please/thank you, etc. it’s a common fallacy, for example, that victims try to anticipate an abusers behavior and take on their own shoulders managing the chaos that is the abusers mood. When in reality there’s nothing you can do.
I’ve learned trust is something you can’t lie to yourself about. It’s mentally so taxing to walk on eggshells constantly. The other side has to put in work.
And I don’t need justification for not trusting someone else. The burden on proof for trust should be relatively high. You can 100% just trust your gut without having to understand or diagnose the other side. In the same way you trust your gut when in love or other situations.
- tptacek 3y agoRight, but this is not a guide to dealing with difficult people.
- bGl2YW5j 3y agoI find the parent comment insightful, because my immediate reaction to seeing this article headline was, "that's what I needed when dealing with that difficult person recently...".
- deleted 3y ago[deleted]
- awb 3y ago> It’s not about you or anything you did. It’s a “them” problem. It’s much easier to consider a conflict a “them” problem. That’s most people’s default. I’ve heard thousands of people complain about “them”, but they were never being abused or bullied. Instead you probably want to default to a conflict resolution attempt, or two or three, or whatever your tolerance is with that person. If those don’t work, then it’s an “us” problem. You tried your best, which is all you can control but the result isn’t working for you and that’s OK. The other person doesn’t have to change and neither do you, but you don’t need to work at it anymore if you’ve given all you’re willing to give.
- softwaredoug 3y agoThat’s exactly right When I say “difficult people” I define it as you’ve put in energy over time and it hasn’t been reciprocated. The other side hasn’t owned their part. Can’t admit mistakes after you have. But really if you’ve given it a go, and it just feels not great, unsafe, icky, whatever. Just trust your gut. Don’t overanalyze it.
- watwut 3y agoYou don't need to be abused or bullied for something to he genuinely "them" problem. And I can confirm that being taught that you should adapt to everyone around and responsible for managing them is actively harmful for you.