5 ms·

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents I'm a person that struggles with boundary-setting and have spent numerous years in relationships that have left

by leksak 3y ago

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents I'm a person that struggles with boundary-setting and have spent numerous years in relationships that have left me as less-than I was before. Imagine people-pleasing to an absolute fault, and being more of a chameleon that adapts to avoid conflicts. This has led to problems of identity, and deriving my sense of worth through others which isn't healthy. Fortunately, I do not have the same problems professionally and part of my people-pleasing skills have been put to good use there. However, history continued and continues to repeat itself to this day. I'm more than half-way into this book and am not only seeing patterns from my childhood, my relationships with my parents, and my early relationships (platonic & romantic) It's been eye-opening, and I consider it my first step in breaking this trend.

fossheart 3y ago
In my case, the book has helped me to maintain my inner peace, which is really important when you want to get into the flow-state mind during programming. Emotional maturity is important for a work environment too, ability to handle the mental health of yourself and your teammates during long work hours gives a boost in productivity.
- spacemadness 3y ago
  Certainly the problem couldn’t be the long work hours? No, it’s your emotional immaturity that’s causing you to not focus for long hours. This culture in tech is exactly why mental health issues in the industry are so prevalent. Put the blame on the individual for their reasonable emotional responses to ongoing stress.
Cthulhu_ 3y ago
What are the odds? I'm currently dealing with some relationship issues, part of that is codependency, and this is one of the books that's doing the rounds in those spaces. I've been reading Codependent No More myself, which is an older book, kinda preachy, kinda Alcoholics Anonymous, lots of religious undertones etc etc, BUT it also lists a lot of symptoms and behaviours that I've recognized in my personal life / relationship; self-sacrifice, "rescuing" behaviour, obsessing over the other, controlling behaviour, emotional self-deprivation (err, ignoring one's own feelings), anxiety, low self-worth / confidence, guilt, shame, etc. I can't recommend the book per se, it's a bit dated, but it lays a lot of groundwork and identifies a lot of traits so it has its place.
iillexial 3y ago
This is a good book. Another one I would recommend from this genre is "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now".
- arrowsmith 3y ago
  Is it worth reading if I'm no longer in my 20s?
  - inerg 3y ago
    Depends on what you're looking to get out of it but it could definitely be helpful. If you have a specific focus you can probably find a book that better expands on that specific topic. The books three titled sections are Work, Love, The Brain and the Body. A lot of the principles outlined in the book are basically around the concept that you should learn these going into your 20's and apply them right away instead of applying them in your 30's from what I remember. It's been a few years since I've read the book though so I might be a little off. I'm happy to give other suggestions as best I can if you're curious.
  - meristohm 3y ago
    In many ways I'm still in my teens (I'm in my 40s), and finding more ways to grow up into adulthood, and have found books targeted to teens to be helpful in this.
cauthon 3y ago
Set Boundaries, Find Peace is another good one in this space
galfarragem 3y ago
I would try the original book on people pleasing: "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The title may sound lousy but is a very logical book. The author is a PhD in his 60s and he coined the concept. You can start by listening some podcasts where he was a guest. He's genuine and a great communicator. Definitely underrated.
- john-radio 3y ago
  Huh, I searched and his brand seems to be about talking to the "nice guys" who are all like "Why do women always pick jocks and not the nice guys like me?" Which is not a stereotype that I associate with compulsive people-pleasing, exactly... Compulsive self-pitying and limerence, more like.
  - Cthulhu_ 3y ago
    Nice Guys in that context are often self-identified though, "I'm a nice guy, why do I keep getting rejected?". I'm sure it originated from rejections in the form of "You're a nice guy, but..."
    - rcme 3y ago
      But if you read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy aren’t you implicitly calling yourself a Nice Guy?
      - jahsome 3y ago
        Interesting theory. If I tell you I read Jurassic Park, does that that mean I'm a brontosaurus?
        rcme 3y ago
        Presumably you’re not reading Jurassic Park as a self-help book, but if you are, then yes, you’re probably a dinosaur.
ipython 3y ago
Another book you may find useful is “when I say no I feel guilty”. It has helped me with similar issues.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]

by leksak 3y ago

fossheart 3y ago

In my case, the book has helped me to maintain my inner peace, which is really important when you want to get into the flow-state mind during programming. Emotional maturity is important for a work environment too, ability to handle the mental health of yourself and your teammates during long work hours gives a boost in productivity.

spacemadness 3y ago
Certainly the problem couldn’t be the long work hours? No, it’s your emotional immaturity that’s causing you to not focus for long hours. This culture in tech is exactly why mental health issues in the industry are so prevalent. Put the blame on the individual for their reasonable emotional responses to ongoing stress.

Cthulhu_ 3y ago

What are the odds? I'm currently dealing with some relationship issues, part of that is codependency, and this is one of the books that's doing the rounds in those spaces. I've been reading Codependent No More myself, which is an older book, kinda preachy, kinda Alcoholics Anonymous, lots of religious undertones etc etc, BUT it also lists a lot of symptoms and behaviours that I've recognized in my personal life / relationship; self-sacrifice, "rescuing" behaviour, obsessing over the other, controlling behaviour, emotional self-deprivation (err, ignoring one's own feelings), anxiety, low self-worth / confidence, guilt, shame, etc. I can't recommend the book per se, it's a bit dated, but it lays a lot of groundwork and identifies a lot of traits so it has its place.

iillexial 3y ago

This is a good book. Another one I would recommend from this genre is "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now".

arrowsmith 3y ago
Is it worth reading if I'm no longer in my 20s?
- inerg 3y ago
  Depends on what you're looking to get out of it but it could definitely be helpful. If you have a specific focus you can probably find a book that better expands on that specific topic. The books three titled sections are Work, Love, The Brain and the Body. A lot of the principles outlined in the book are basically around the concept that you should learn these going into your 20's and apply them right away instead of applying them in your 30's from what I remember. It's been a few years since I've read the book though so I might be a little off. I'm happy to give other suggestions as best I can if you're curious.
- meristohm 3y ago
  In many ways I'm still in my teens (I'm in my 40s), and finding more ways to grow up into adulthood, and have found books targeted to teens to be helpful in this.

cauthon 3y ago

Set Boundaries, Find Peace is another good one in this space

galfarragem 3y ago

I would try the original book on people pleasing: "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The title may sound lousy but is a very logical book. The author is a PhD in his 60s and he coined the concept. You can start by listening some podcasts where he was a guest. He's genuine and a great communicator. Definitely underrated.

john-radio 3y ago
Huh, I searched and his brand seems to be about talking to the "nice guys" who are all like "Why do women always pick jocks and not the nice guys like me?" Which is not a stereotype that I associate with compulsive people-pleasing, exactly... Compulsive self-pitying and limerence, more like.
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  Nice Guys in that context are often self-identified though, "I'm a nice guy, why do I keep getting rejected?". I'm sure it originated from rejections in the form of "You're a nice guy, but..."
  - rcme 3y ago
    But if you read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy aren’t you implicitly calling yourself a Nice Guy?
    - jahsome 3y ago
      Interesting theory. If I tell you I read Jurassic Park, does that that mean I'm a brontosaurus?
      - rcme 3y ago
        Presumably you’re not reading Jurassic Park as a self-help book, but if you are, then yes, you’re probably a dinosaur.

ipython 3y ago

Another book you may find useful is “when I say no I feel guilty”. It has helped me with similar issues.

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]