Thank you for not taking offense. scotch_drinker accurately described my sentiments. Generalizing the points he made, I'll say two (and half) things: 1. Up th

Thank you for not taking offense. scotch_drinker accurately described my sentiments. Generalizing the points he made, I'll say two (and half) things: 1. Up the level of your writing a bit. It's currently in ripped jeans and an Ed Hardy shirt (have'nt?!). Don't go full black tie, but at least get a blazer and clean pair of jeans on. See here: http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Colloquial-%28Informal%29-Writing http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Colloquial-%28Informal%29-Writi... 2. (a) Have one point (your thesis), and make sure (virtually) every sentence is directly related to it. You had far too many distractions. The fact that you were a "negger" and some people benefited from being one is completely irrelevant. 2. (b) Make sure very sentence is strongly related to your thesis. E.g. if you want to show how it's a nice day, don't say you went for a walk, tell me you went to the beach. An example from your post would be the great implementers you mentioned. Mentioned fewer implementers, but when giving one, expound a bit, and show the reader how much it related - or is applicable - to your thesis.