3 ms·

None of these are helpful at all. Maybe they're requirements, but none are sufficient, alone or all together, to help anyone who is looking and not finding a ma

None of these are helpful at all. Maybe they're requirements, but none are sufficient, alone or all together, to help anyone who is looking and not finding a mate. What most adults discover, after college, is that there are few places to find a mate. The only place they will visit with any regularity is work... and even if we ignore the good advice of "don't shit where you eat", work is often a poor environment in which to search for potential mates (maybe especially true at the ages that most are concerned about doing that). In previous eras, where mates were found more quickly, high school and then college were always the best places. High concentrations of other unmarried people your own age or close enough. But that's discouraged today and often impossible anyway given economic reality. It's definitely unwise according to popular opinion. Church might have been another place, but not really for generations at this point. Most aren't religious, and becoming religious isn't easy even if you can somehow set aside any philosophical objections to the dogma or worries at the quality of mates available there. A young man or woman who joins a church for the purpose of finding a mate will often be looked at with disdain and suspicion... anyone eligible at those places probably already has candidates in mind. Courtships tend to be a quick thing, so even if you go there and find a woman or man the right age not yet married, someone else already had them in mind and they were probably less than 12 months away from marriage anyway. You showing up and interfering isn't going to win you any friends. In the 1980s, this might have been solved with bar-hopping. But the AIDS crisis and the end of the sexual revolution hammered the nails into that coffin. It was never a good strategy anyway. And all of this is just one issue that makes it difficult. There are others. Our society isn't currently arranged in a way that is conducive to pairing people up for the long term. And likely, societies that are bad at this don't get to remain societies forever. I suspect rather strongly that they die.

hef19898 3y ago
Didn't this whole threat start with claiming female promiscuirity being a problem? Since, apparently, women don't have issues finding partners, there have to be places. Also for people above college age. Regarding bar hopping, going out still is a thing, isn't it? Just one thing so, if bar hopping is only done to pick up women, it might a good thing you stopped doing it, not because of AIDS, but for everyone else going out. Edit: What weird kind of creep goes to church to pick up women? And why do some people think that all social interaction with the opposite sex (gays and lesbians seem not to have that problem) has to be aimed at some kind of sexual / romantic end game? That can happen, as can a real friendship or nothing at all. Approaching it with the goal of sex / dating in mind might actually be part of the problem...
- ferbivore 3y ago
  Are you posting from a bizarre alternate reality or what? No, there are no places. No, going out is not still a thing. If "don't be an ass" is all the advice you needed in order to find love, you are unspeakably lucky. I hope you make your wife breakfast every morning and thank your God every night. Please don't offer dating advice to CS grads ever again.
  - hef19898 3y ago
    If you are representative of CS grads, well, all hope truely is lost for that particular demographic already.
- NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
  Women may not have trouble finding sexual partners... but sometimes I lurk on r/twoxchromosomes and they seem to have anything but success when it comes to finding mates that any sane person would consider. I do not think they have significantly more success in these matters. And, given the rough 1:1 ratio of men to women, and the relative 1:1 ratio between gays and lesbians, any significantly large group of male incels seems to indicate a similarly sized group of women. Women likely don't have any advantages here. There are some social norms that have been upended, where it's somewhat possibly safer for them to make the first approach, but that only helps if they're in the presence of a suitable candidate. > What weird kind of creep goes to church to pick up women? Why would that make them a creep? If there are women there, women who very likely want to marry, given what we know of religious people, then there doesnt' seem to be anything creepy at all about it. While the church leaders and the congregants would likely tell you that the church exists for many other things besides, included in their list would most likely be one item something like "to find and meet like-minded people, and to help those searching to settle down and live the sort of life they are advocating (marriage, family, etc)". We were, after all, talking about long-term relationships (and in particular marriage) and not Tindr hookups. > And why do some people think that all social interaction with the opposite sex has to be aimed at some kind of sexual / romantic end game? Why would anyone think otherwise, would be a better question. Some people who hold a somewhat "progressive" view of the world insists that men and women are perfectly substitutable, and that they exists for reasons other than the biological imperative. For such people, men and women fraternizing should only happen so that they can be friends, and if there is some "romantic spark", then this is at best an unfortunate side effect that should never be sought or hoped for. It's really anti-human. > Approaching it with the goal of sex / dating We weren't talking about that. We were talking about long term relationships, and not Tindr hookups. While it's true that there was a historical era where dating existing primarily towards that end, by the 1980s that certainly wasn't true. That change correlates loosely with the decline of the use of the term "courtship", and with the ascent of the term "dating" (but not perfectly). > Approaching it with the goal of sex / dating in mind might actually be part of the problem... The opposite is true. Approaching it as if there is some other reason confuses many people, causes them to hesitate and postpone, and just generally interferes in men and women pairing up. Even when people in those circumstances find someone else, the other person tends to be non-committing, and they wait around hoping that will change... wasting time they probably don't have on poor candidates. Have you ever heard someone talk about how they've been engaged to their boyfriend for 9 years? Or, how they're even reluctant to call them boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, tend to use the word "partner" alot? There's some extreme dysfunction going on, and modern instincts are to double down on that dysfunction in the bizarre hope that somehow things will improve.

hef19898 3y ago

Didn't this whole threat start with claiming female promiscuirity being a problem? Since, apparently, women don't have issues finding partners, there have to be places. Also for people above college age. Regarding bar hopping, going out still is a thing, isn't it? Just one thing so, if bar hopping is only done to pick up women, it might a good thing you stopped doing it, not because of AIDS, but for everyone else going out. Edit: What weird kind of creep goes to church to pick up women? And why do some people think that all social interaction with the opposite sex (gays and lesbians seem not to have that problem) has to be aimed at some kind of sexual / romantic end game? That can happen, as can a real friendship or nothing at all. Approaching it with the goal of sex / dating in mind might actually be part of the problem...

ferbivore 3y ago
Are you posting from a bizarre alternate reality or what? No, there are no places. No, going out is not still a thing. If "don't be an ass" is all the advice you needed in order to find love, you are unspeakably lucky. I hope you make your wife breakfast every morning and thank your God every night. Please don't offer dating advice to CS grads ever again.
- hef19898 3y ago
  If you are representative of CS grads, well, all hope truely is lost for that particular demographic already.
NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
Women may not have trouble finding sexual partners... but sometimes I lurk on r/twoxchromosomes and they seem to have anything but success when it comes to finding mates that any sane person would consider. I do not think they have significantly more success in these matters. And, given the rough 1:1 ratio of men to women, and the relative 1:1 ratio between gays and lesbians, any significantly large group of male incels seems to indicate a similarly sized group of women. Women likely don't have any advantages here. There are some social norms that have been upended, where it's somewhat possibly safer for them to make the first approach, but that only helps if they're in the presence of a suitable candidate. > What weird kind of creep goes to church to pick up women? Why would that make them a creep? If there are women there, women who very likely want to marry, given what we know of religious people, then there doesnt' seem to be anything creepy at all about it. While the church leaders and the congregants would likely tell you that the church exists for many other things besides, included in their list would most likely be one item something like "to find and meet like-minded people, and to help those searching to settle down and live the sort of life they are advocating (marriage, family, etc)". We were, after all, talking about long-term relationships (and in particular marriage) and not Tindr hookups. > And why do some people think that all social interaction with the opposite sex has to be aimed at some kind of sexual / romantic end game? Why would anyone think otherwise, would be a better question. Some people who hold a somewhat "progressive" view of the world insists that men and women are perfectly substitutable, and that they exists for reasons other than the biological imperative. For such people, men and women fraternizing should only happen so that they can be friends, and if there is some "romantic spark", then this is at best an unfortunate side effect that should never be sought or hoped for. It's really anti-human. > Approaching it with the goal of sex / dating We weren't talking about that. We were talking about long term relationships, and not Tindr hookups. While it's true that there was a historical era where dating existing primarily towards that end, by the 1980s that certainly wasn't true. That change correlates loosely with the decline of the use of the term "courtship", and with the ascent of the term "dating" (but not perfectly). > Approaching it with the goal of sex / dating in mind might actually be part of the problem... The opposite is true. Approaching it as if there is some other reason confuses many people, causes them to hesitate and postpone, and just generally interferes in men and women pairing up. Even when people in those circumstances find someone else, the other person tends to be non-committing, and they wait around hoping that will change... wasting time they probably don't have on poor candidates. Have you ever heard someone talk about how they've been engaged to their boyfriend for 9 years? Or, how they're even reluctant to call them boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, tend to use the word "partner" alot? There's some extreme dysfunction going on, and modern instincts are to double down on that dysfunction in the bizarre hope that somehow things will improve.