4 ms·

I wonder if the body positivity movement has anything to do with the de-sexualization of reasons to be fit. In many circles, if I were to say that I wanted to

I wonder if the body positivity movement has anything to do with the de-sexualization of reasons to be fit. In many circles, if I were to say that I wanted to be more fit in order to attract the kinds of people I'm attracted to, the main answer I would get is that I shouldn't feel the need to change anything about myself - that someone who would be more attracted to me if I were to work on myself isn't worth the effort. I heard this from my sibling-in-law constantly. Honestly started to think they were just trying to justify their own disregard of their health. I started a 430 lb 6'4 man. I'm 320 lb now and while I still have a ways to go, the difference in the attention I get is mind boggling. Women actually flirt with me now. Initiate even. As someone who's felt invisible for a decade, I can't describe how much my mental state has improved.

robertlagrant 3y ago
> the de-sexualization of reasons to be fit That comes with age :)
sph 3y ago
Well done for the weight loss. Also funny, I'm quite overweight (a bit lighter than your current weight) and one of the reason I want to get back in shape is because my flirting experience has been dire and non-existent. To be fair, I am not completely in favour of body positivity [1], I wouldn't date myself at this weight, so it's also a me problem. I guess it's all relative :-) -- 1: In my opinion, accept your body and its flaws, but obesity is not to be celebrated. It is a metabolic disease.
pravus 3y ago
I had this same thing happen to me when I went from 343 to 170. It completely messes with me now going into public and having people actually acknowledge my presence and engage with me. I used to just be a ghost. All I can remember from my youth was people pounding on me that being fat was basically evil. You see the same sentiment here from time to time so it still exists.
- benjaminwootton 3y ago
  Interestingly, I bounce between around 180 and 210, and feel that I get a better response from people when I’m at the lower end. I suspect the effect is mainly as a result of your own confidence and self image.
- 331c8c71 3y ago
  > I used to just be a ghost. Anecdotally, one of the most charismatic and outgoing people I know is notably overweight. Maybe it's an ingrained compensation mechanism but nevertheless...
  - lupire 3y ago
    They aren't hangry all the time.
benjaminwootton 3y ago
Anybody telling you that you should accept being 320lb or 430lb is probably doing it from a good place, but is doing you a disservice.
- vinceguidry 3y ago
  It's important to begin a journey of self-improvement from a place of mental health, not a place of dishealth. Public shame is one of the quickest ways to damage mental health.
  - r00fus 3y ago
    Yes, I too, was once obese (and currently am overweight again with "modern" BMI stats), but my place of mental health that got me from a BMI of probably 35+ to 23 wasn't my body. It was my overall view of myself (mentally, spiritually) and I moved my body in line with that mental picture. When people told me I was overweight (nicely) I agreed with them and I worked on it.
- lupire 3y ago
  430lb is a severe disability that interfere with almost every aspect of life, including physical intimacy. Except for Internet activities, it doesn't work for anyone. It's well beyond the body's ability to maintain itself.
  - philwelch 3y ago
    So is 320lb to be completely honest.
pjc50 3y ago
> 430 lb 6'4 man. I'm 320 lb now To people having trouble visualising this: that's 195kg or thirty stone, to 145kg or 23st. That's .. really quite a lot. > I shouldn't feel the need to change anything about myself The problem is there's no real relation between how heavy someone is and how much pressure they apply to themselves. If you feel better at 300lb than 400lb, won't you feel better at 200lb? How about 150lb? 100lb? There's a lot of really quite light people who engage in disordered eating because they feel the drive to be lighter and lighter to be more attractive.
- 331c8c71 3y ago
  > feel the drive to be lighter and lighter to be more attractive. Gaining and maintaining some muscle is clearly beneficial (and is actually much easier to do for a significant fraction of the population) but somehow this "lightness" paradigm is so pervasive... And anorexia even doesn't look good imo.
- grvdrm 3y ago
  Very interesting, and I generally agree. In other words, how much is enough? If the drug works at 320 but works but works even better at 220, will you succumb to that pressure? What's troubling is the resulting distortion field. I would love to unpack the brain of someone with disordered eating to hear their thoughts for myself. But also the guy at the gym that's devouring supplements, taking selfies, and wearing a skimpy gym tank to stare at and show off muscles. What's going on in that guy's head? That said, it is a real and meaningful accomplishment to lose 100 pounds. To that guy, do what you need to do to feel healthy, happy, and confident.
  - Teknoman117 3y ago
    Hoping I don't develop an eating disorder in the process of losing weight is a constant thing on my mind. I've had to deeply cut my calories to keep losing. I don't even really noticing myself experiencing hunger at this point which kinda scares me. But all my vitals are great, the fat keeps coming off, and I haven't really noticed much change in my strength in the gym so maybe I'm fine so far? My roommate/gym buddy is one of the people you describe and while I can't see inside his head, the story he usually tells is that he was once super overweight (he's 5'11 and said he hit 350) and turned into a proper gym rat to lose it. I don't know how much he weighs now but he's got defined abs and large arms. He said that he's basically addicted to the attention he gets as a super fit person. He's charismatic and funny (and a cognitive behavioral therapist), but he basically seems to sleep with whoever he wants. The amount of times I've heard him say he really wants to get laid that night and then see him crawl in at 3 am with yet another (attractive) woman is nutty.
paulcole 3y ago
> In many circles, if I were to say that I wanted to be more fit in order to attract the kinds of people I'm attracted to, the main answer I would get is that I shouldn't feel the need to change anything about myself This sounds more like red-state FOX News fantasy than reality. Like when my uncle says, “Portland is a war zone” despite me living here and him living 3,000 miles away.
Levitz 3y ago
>As someone who's felt invisible for a decade, I can't describe how much my mental state has improved. This really can't be overstated. Dipping your feet into "attractive privilege" is frankly a life-changing experience. Everybody treats you differently. It's easier to socialize. I frankly think that the reason as to why some women say they just like wearing makeup is that they are feeling this difference and mistake it for just feeling good.
- joenot443 3y ago
  It's true. Getting expensive veneers, working out, and wearing lifts to bring me up to 6' means I'm treated like a member of a different species - most especially by women. It's truly been a life-changing transition. I know a lot of guys who believe that their life could have been completely different if they were a little taller or had a bit more hair. Perhaps it's not popular to point out, but I think they're absolutely right. Physiognomy is important and moving from average to somewhat-attractive will change every aspect of one's life.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]

robertlagrant 3y ago

> the de-sexualization of reasons to be fit That comes with age :)

sph 3y ago

Well done for the weight loss. Also funny, I'm quite overweight (a bit lighter than your current weight) and one of the reason I want to get back in shape is because my flirting experience has been dire and non-existent. To be fair, I am not completely in favour of body positivity [1], I wouldn't date myself at this weight, so it's also a me problem. I guess it's all relative :-) -- 1: In my opinion, accept your body and its flaws, but obesity is not to be celebrated. It is a metabolic disease.

pravus 3y ago

I had this same thing happen to me when I went from 343 to 170. It completely messes with me now going into public and having people actually acknowledge my presence and engage with me. I used to just be a ghost. All I can remember from my youth was people pounding on me that being fat was basically evil. You see the same sentiment here from time to time so it still exists.

benjaminwootton 3y ago
Interestingly, I bounce between around 180 and 210, and feel that I get a better response from people when I’m at the lower end. I suspect the effect is mainly as a result of your own confidence and self image.
331c8c71 3y ago
> I used to just be a ghost. Anecdotally, one of the most charismatic and outgoing people I know is notably overweight. Maybe it's an ingrained compensation mechanism but nevertheless...
- lupire 3y ago
  They aren't hangry all the time.

benjaminwootton 3y ago

Anybody telling you that you should accept being 320lb or 430lb is probably doing it from a good place, but is doing you a disservice.

vinceguidry 3y ago
It's important to begin a journey of self-improvement from a place of mental health, not a place of dishealth. Public shame is one of the quickest ways to damage mental health.
- r00fus 3y ago
  Yes, I too, was once obese (and currently am overweight again with "modern" BMI stats), but my place of mental health that got me from a BMI of probably 35+ to 23 wasn't my body. It was my overall view of myself (mentally, spiritually) and I moved my body in line with that mental picture. When people told me I was overweight (nicely) I agreed with them and I worked on it.
lupire 3y ago
430lb is a severe disability that interfere with almost every aspect of life, including physical intimacy. Except for Internet activities, it doesn't work for anyone. It's well beyond the body's ability to maintain itself.
- philwelch 3y ago
  So is 320lb to be completely honest.

pjc50 3y ago

> 430 lb 6'4 man. I'm 320 lb now To people having trouble visualising this: that's 195kg or thirty stone, to 145kg or 23st. That's .. really quite a lot. > I shouldn't feel the need to change anything about myself The problem is there's no real relation between how heavy someone is and how much pressure they apply to themselves. If you feel better at 300lb than 400lb, won't you feel better at 200lb? How about 150lb? 100lb? There's a lot of really quite light people who engage in disordered eating because they feel the drive to be lighter and lighter to be more attractive.

331c8c71 3y ago
> feel the drive to be lighter and lighter to be more attractive. Gaining and maintaining some muscle is clearly beneficial (and is actually much easier to do for a significant fraction of the population) but somehow this "lightness" paradigm is so pervasive... And anorexia even doesn't look good imo.
grvdrm 3y ago
Very interesting, and I generally agree. In other words, how much is enough? If the drug works at 320 but works but works even better at 220, will you succumb to that pressure? What's troubling is the resulting distortion field. I would love to unpack the brain of someone with disordered eating to hear their thoughts for myself. But also the guy at the gym that's devouring supplements, taking selfies, and wearing a skimpy gym tank to stare at and show off muscles. What's going on in that guy's head? That said, it is a real and meaningful accomplishment to lose 100 pounds. To that guy, do what you need to do to feel healthy, happy, and confident.
- Teknoman117 3y ago
  Hoping I don't develop an eating disorder in the process of losing weight is a constant thing on my mind. I've had to deeply cut my calories to keep losing. I don't even really noticing myself experiencing hunger at this point which kinda scares me. But all my vitals are great, the fat keeps coming off, and I haven't really noticed much change in my strength in the gym so maybe I'm fine so far? My roommate/gym buddy is one of the people you describe and while I can't see inside his head, the story he usually tells is that he was once super overweight (he's 5'11 and said he hit 350) and turned into a proper gym rat to lose it. I don't know how much he weighs now but he's got defined abs and large arms. He said that he's basically addicted to the attention he gets as a super fit person. He's charismatic and funny (and a cognitive behavioral therapist), but he basically seems to sleep with whoever he wants. The amount of times I've heard him say he really wants to get laid that night and then see him crawl in at 3 am with yet another (attractive) woman is nutty.

paulcole 3y ago

> In many circles, if I were to say that I wanted to be more fit in order to attract the kinds of people I'm attracted to, the main answer I would get is that I shouldn't feel the need to change anything about myself This sounds more like red-state FOX News fantasy than reality. Like when my uncle says, “Portland is a war zone” despite me living here and him living 3,000 miles away.

Levitz 3y ago

>As someone who's felt invisible for a decade, I can't describe how much my mental state has improved. This really can't be overstated. Dipping your feet into "attractive privilege" is frankly a life-changing experience. Everybody treats you differently. It's easier to socialize. I frankly think that the reason as to why some women say they just like wearing makeup is that they are feeling this difference and mistake it for just feeling good.

joenot443 3y ago
It's true. Getting expensive veneers, working out, and wearing lifts to bring me up to 6' means I'm treated like a member of a different species - most especially by women. It's truly been a life-changing transition. I know a lot of guys who believe that their life could have been completely different if they were a little taller or had a bit more hair. Perhaps it's not popular to point out, but I think they're absolutely right. Physiognomy is important and moving from average to somewhat-attractive will change every aspect of one's life.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]