3 ms·

Why is 23 partners a red flag?

dusted 3y ago
I won't comment on some moral thing, having 23 partners can be entirely fine, but I think it depends on the intentionality.. Like, having 23 partners because, excuse my french "Elle voulait simplement baiser à tout va" is just fine (tm), they did what they want, and that tells nothing else about them that the fact they did what they enjoyed doing. On the other hand, if they were looking for the one true love and thought they'd find it in 23 different people, it may reveal something else about them.. That they prefer a type of partner which does not align with their goal. Or that they are a terrible judge of character. Or that they are easily manipulated in general. Those may be red flags in their own right, if those traits are undesirable to you.
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  But you're making assumptions about the intent already. What if they just enjoy casual sex? You seem to correlate that having sex or short relationships is already an attempt at finding a lifelong partner, which is... really a personal opinion. People go out, have short relationships / flings, one night stands without any intent other than have fun. It's fine. Let people have things.
  - NoboruWataya 3y ago
    They specifically said it depends on intent and addressed both situations. So they were hardly making assumptions.
  - IG_Semmelweiss 3y ago
    > What if they just enjoy casual sex? What if there is a diamond in a pile of garbage ? If someone legitimately enjoys casual sex AND has no baggage OR some kind of dark triad trait.. is that sort of person common, or rare? As for the act: If there's no harm to anyone, its great. ON that light, casual sounds logical. But is your own body just another playground ? Throughout history, there are numerous records of temperance being a virtue and hedonism being a vice. Coming from all sorts of corners. Its not as clear cut.
  - dusted 3y ago
    I'm curious as to how you were able to get that idea from what I wrote. I'm making no assumptions _about_ intent. I'm saying whether it's a "red flag" depends _on_ intent (which is then assumed to be known, at least internally by said person(s)). I'm making no correlation between having causal sex and the attempt to establish a long-term relationship, I don't know how I could more explicitly define those as two different goals. Maybe if I write it in a more simplistic (albeit, less precise) way: * Many relationships may likely a red flag in a person who's seeking long-term relationships (ie, they're trying and failing very much, they're probably not a very good partner, or has very good judgement). * Many relationships are not a red flag in a person who's not seeking long-term relationships (they're doing their thing, and all is good, as long as you're aligned with that).
everdrive 3y ago
Because men are predisposed to prefer women who have had fewer partners when it comes to long-term relationships. (when it comes to one night stands, they don't care.) One might argue that this preference is negative, or unfair, or something else. However, this preference is both durable over time and cross-cultural.
- micromacrofoot 3y ago
  Something existing for a long time doesn't make it fair, or even right. There are countless examples of people believing unfair and outright wrong things for centuries.
  - everdrive 3y ago
    Yep, and that’s why I mentioned that the effect is “durable” rather than “morally correct.” My point is that I don’t think you’re going to get away from this preference. I’m not really addressing the moral value of it at all.
    - micromacrofoot 3y ago
      Ah I see, well I don't think we should be resigned to it. We've had male dominated societies for thousands of years, so it's going to take time. Our ability to think and move on from these primitive ideals is one of the more endearing facets of humanity.
      - everdrive 3y ago
        I just worry that this is a bit similar to saying “women should no longer have a preference for taller men. We’ve evolved past the point where a man’s physical prowess matters, and women should learn to be attracted to a shorter man just as much as a taller man.” It certainly might be _nice_ for the man if his height didn’t matter, but I don’t think you’re going to really budge women’s preferences here in a meaningful way, no matter what social programs you adopt.
jstarfish 3y ago
> Why is 23 partners a red flag? For the same reason you don't want to deal with a client who's churned through 23 other contractors before you either, or an employee who's held 23 other jobs. They're either high-conflict, non-committal, fishing for something and not finding it, using sex as a coping mechanism/don't take the act itself seriously (won't be the last time you hear them tell you sex with strangers "means nothing;" just wait until your first big fight). There's also disease risk (mainly herpes). Nothing about a body count that high signals stability or commitment. I'm sure plenty of people can and do change and can commit and be stable; we could be friends but they are not people I would bet the rest of my life on. The only three people (two males, one female) I know with body counts that high all got caught soliciting or banging children decades later, so my experience with this is admittedly subjective.

I won't comment on some moral thing, having 23 partners can be entirely fine, but I think it depends on the intentionality.. Like, having 23 partners because, excuse my french "Elle voulait simplement baiser à tout va" is just fine (tm), they did what they want, and that tells nothing else about them that the fact they did what they enjoyed doing. On the other hand, if they were looking for the one true love and thought they'd find it in 23 different people, it may reveal something else about them.. That they prefer a type of partner which does not align with their goal. Or that they are a terrible judge of character. Or that they are easily manipulated in general. Those may be red flags in their own right, if those traits are undesirable to you.

Cthulhu_ 3y ago
But you're making assumptions about the intent already. What if they just enjoy casual sex? You seem to correlate that having sex or short relationships is already an attempt at finding a lifelong partner, which is... really a personal opinion. People go out, have short relationships / flings, one night stands without any intent other than have fun. It's fine. Let people have things.
- NoboruWataya 3y ago
  They specifically said it depends on intent and addressed both situations. So they were hardly making assumptions.
- IG_Semmelweiss 3y ago
  > What if they just enjoy casual sex? What if there is a diamond in a pile of garbage ? If someone legitimately enjoys casual sex AND has no baggage OR some kind of dark triad trait.. is that sort of person common, or rare? As for the act: If there's no harm to anyone, its great. ON that light, casual sounds logical. But is your own body just another playground ? Throughout history, there are numerous records of temperance being a virtue and hedonism being a vice. Coming from all sorts of corners. Its not as clear cut.
- dusted 3y ago
  I'm curious as to how you were able to get that idea from what I wrote. I'm making no assumptions _about_ intent. I'm saying whether it's a "red flag" depends _on_ intent (which is then assumed to be known, at least internally by said person(s)). I'm making no correlation between having causal sex and the attempt to establish a long-term relationship, I don't know how I could more explicitly define those as two different goals. Maybe if I write it in a more simplistic (albeit, less precise) way: * Many relationships may likely a red flag in a person who's seeking long-term relationships (ie, they're trying and failing very much, they're probably not a very good partner, or has very good judgement). * Many relationships are not a red flag in a person who's not seeking long-term relationships (they're doing their thing, and all is good, as long as you're aligned with that).

everdrive 3y ago

Because men are predisposed to prefer women who have had fewer partners when it comes to long-term relationships. (when it comes to one night stands, they don't care.) One might argue that this preference is negative, or unfair, or something else. However, this preference is both durable over time and cross-cultural.

micromacrofoot 3y ago
Something existing for a long time doesn't make it fair, or even right. There are countless examples of people believing unfair and outright wrong things for centuries.
- everdrive 3y ago
  Yep, and that’s why I mentioned that the effect is “durable” rather than “morally correct.” My point is that I don’t think you’re going to get away from this preference. I’m not really addressing the moral value of it at all.
  - micromacrofoot 3y ago
    Ah I see, well I don't think we should be resigned to it. We've had male dominated societies for thousands of years, so it's going to take time. Our ability to think and move on from these primitive ideals is one of the more endearing facets of humanity.
    - everdrive 3y ago
      I just worry that this is a bit similar to saying “women should no longer have a preference for taller men. We’ve evolved past the point where a man’s physical prowess matters, and women should learn to be attracted to a shorter man just as much as a taller man.” It certainly might be _nice_ for the man if his height didn’t matter, but I don’t think you’re going to really budge women’s preferences here in a meaningful way, no matter what social programs you adopt.

jstarfish 3y ago

> Why is 23 partners a red flag? For the same reason you don't want to deal with a client who's churned through 23 other contractors before you either, or an employee who's held 23 other jobs. They're either high-conflict, non-committal, fishing for something and not finding it, using sex as a coping mechanism/don't take the act itself seriously (won't be the last time you hear them tell you sex with strangers "means nothing;" just wait until your first big fight). There's also disease risk (mainly herpes). Nothing about a body count that high signals stability or commitment. I'm sure plenty of people can and do change and can commit and be stable; we could be friends but they are not people I would bet the rest of my life on. The only three people (two males, one female) I know with body counts that high all got caught soliciting or banging children decades later, so my experience with this is admittedly subjective.