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Presumably this means that the top 20 percent of men on dating apps (whatever top means) are dating 4 women simultaneously on average right? Sounds complicated

Presumably this means that the top 20 percent of men on dating apps (whatever top means) are dating 4 women simultaneously on average right? Sounds complicated.

toomuchtodo 3y ago
I can't speak for others, only anecdotes (and I have no DOIs on this). I have several people in my circle who have had sex with more than 1 person from dating apps in a day, a weekend, etc. This weakly confirms the stats publicly available for my own model on the topic. "Dating" doing a lot of lifting in your comment.
flatline 3y ago
Lots of men are hooking up with some rotation of four women semi-regularly, yes. A lot of those women are doing the same. Not necessarily all at once, but that too. There are plenty of people who date casually like this without labeling it some form of non-monogamy, and without actively trying to get into a committed relationship. When you are very attractive on dating apps - I would say more like the top 5% than the top 20% of men - you have all the choices in the world, your experience is dramatically different than that of other men.
rationalist 3y ago
Or a man goes on a different date for four different nights a week, while a woman goes on one date a week.
matheusmoreira 3y ago
Not complicated at all. If you're an attractive and successful man, you can easily see multiple women simultaneously. Even literally at the same time, in the same bed. Managing all those relationships even starts to become a serious pain in the ass at some point. The bitter sociopathic truth is if you're attractive enough you can get away with pretty much anything. It really is a lot like the market. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Sex gods get more and more sex while incels get even less than nothing, they are actively hated.
- alex_young 3y ago
  So, using your market framing, wouldn’t women who are so inclined have the same power to choose to date multiple men? Wouldn’t this tend to balance out any pathological behavior on the other side? It boggles the mind to imagine that most attractive women would put up with this behavior on networks they frequent.
  - lotsofpulp 3y ago
    While I do not agree with the tone of the grandparent comment, I can envision different motivations for women due to the power imbalance and higher risks for women. For a man, there is very little risk in having relations with any given woman.
  - matheusmoreira 3y ago
    > wouldn’t women who are so inclined have the same power to choose to date multiple men? They absolutely do. > Wouldn’t this tend to balance out any pathological behavior on the other side? I don't know about that. Everyone's maximizing their own options. I think that is pathological behavior in of itself. > It boggles the mind to imagine that most attractive women would put up with this behavior on networks they frequent. Boggles my mind as well. I wouldn't believe such things had I literally not seen them with my own eyes. Women would rather share a really good man than try their luck with bad men. I've literally seen a woman be a man's hidden lover for 20 years.
Workaccount2 3y ago
A bit soul breaking but we had a friend who was in the top echelon of attractive guys. One day a girl shows up at our door looking for him. We regretfully inform her that he is actually with another woman in his room right now. Her response: "Oh, that's ok, I'll wait out in my car". It's a completely different life. If it's any consolation though, he ended marrying a pretty terrible woman.
- matheusmoreira 3y ago
  Soul breaking is something of an understatement. It's something that must be experienced to be fully understood. The woman in your example could easily have gone even further: joining the couple in the room, inviting even more women over... Until one experiences this, it all seems surreal and completely outside the realm of reality.
  - foogazi 3y ago
    Can you explain the soul breaking part ?
    - matheusmoreira 3y ago
      Sure. It is extremely disillusioning when you discover that common social and moral concepts like monogamy literally do not apply to certain people because of their financial, social or sexual capital or any combination thereof. You might decide to test the limits only to discover they don't really exist. You realize that given enough leverage you can ask for the moon with complete impunity and not only get it but have other people compete with each other to see who gets to provide it to you. It feels comical and surreal, like everything is some kind of joke. It reminds me of the gervais principle. https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2013/05/16/the-gervais-principle-vi-children-of-an-absent-god/ https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2013/05/16/the-gervais-principle-...
- distant_hat 3y ago
  Yea, most people simply haven't seen that. I knew a minor rock band player in college, he had women lining up outside his hotel room to fuck him.
distant_hat 3y ago
Its not that uncommon though. I know guys juggling 4-8 women in various capacities (some more regular, some occasional, some remote).

Presumably this means that the top 20 percent of men on dating apps (whatever top means) are dating 4 women simultaneously on average right? Sounds complicated.

toomuchtodo 3y ago

I can't speak for others, only anecdotes (and I have no DOIs on this). I have several people in my circle who have had sex with more than 1 person from dating apps in a day, a weekend, etc. This weakly confirms the stats publicly available for my own model on the topic. "Dating" doing a lot of lifting in your comment.

flatline 3y ago

Lots of men are hooking up with some rotation of four women semi-regularly, yes. A lot of those women are doing the same. Not necessarily all at once, but that too. There are plenty of people who date casually like this without labeling it some form of non-monogamy, and without actively trying to get into a committed relationship. When you are very attractive on dating apps - I would say more like the top 5% than the top 20% of men - you have all the choices in the world, your experience is dramatically different than that of other men.

rationalist 3y ago

Or a man goes on a different date for four different nights a week, while a woman goes on one date a week.

matheusmoreira 3y ago

Not complicated at all. If you're an attractive and successful man, you can easily see multiple women simultaneously. Even literally at the same time, in the same bed. Managing all those relationships even starts to become a serious pain in the ass at some point. The bitter sociopathic truth is if you're attractive enough you can get away with pretty much anything. It really is a lot like the market. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Sex gods get more and more sex while incels get even less than nothing, they are actively hated.

alex_young 3y ago
So, using your market framing, wouldn’t women who are so inclined have the same power to choose to date multiple men? Wouldn’t this tend to balance out any pathological behavior on the other side? It boggles the mind to imagine that most attractive women would put up with this behavior on networks they frequent.
- lotsofpulp 3y ago
  While I do not agree with the tone of the grandparent comment, I can envision different motivations for women due to the power imbalance and higher risks for women. For a man, there is very little risk in having relations with any given woman.
- matheusmoreira 3y ago
  > wouldn’t women who are so inclined have the same power to choose to date multiple men? They absolutely do. > Wouldn’t this tend to balance out any pathological behavior on the other side? I don't know about that. Everyone's maximizing their own options. I think that is pathological behavior in of itself. > It boggles the mind to imagine that most attractive women would put up with this behavior on networks they frequent. Boggles my mind as well. I wouldn't believe such things had I literally not seen them with my own eyes. Women would rather share a really good man than try their luck with bad men. I've literally seen a woman be a man's hidden lover for 20 years.

Workaccount2 3y ago

A bit soul breaking but we had a friend who was in the top echelon of attractive guys. One day a girl shows up at our door looking for him. We regretfully inform her that he is actually with another woman in his room right now. Her response: "Oh, that's ok, I'll wait out in my car". It's a completely different life. If it's any consolation though, he ended marrying a pretty terrible woman.

matheusmoreira 3y ago
Soul breaking is something of an understatement. It's something that must be experienced to be fully understood. The woman in your example could easily have gone even further: joining the couple in the room, inviting even more women over... Until one experiences this, it all seems surreal and completely outside the realm of reality.
- foogazi 3y ago
  Can you explain the soul breaking part ?
  - matheusmoreira 3y ago
    Sure. It is extremely disillusioning when you discover that common social and moral concepts like monogamy literally do not apply to certain people because of their financial, social or sexual capital or any combination thereof. You might decide to test the limits only to discover they don't really exist. You realize that given enough leverage you can ask for the moon with complete impunity and not only get it but have other people compete with each other to see who gets to provide it to you. It feels comical and surreal, like everything is some kind of joke. It reminds me of the gervais principle. https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2013/05/16/the-gervais-principle-vi-children-of-an-absent-god/ https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2013/05/16/the-gervais-principle-...
distant_hat 3y ago
Yea, most people simply haven't seen that. I knew a minor rock band player in college, he had women lining up outside his hotel room to fuck him.

distant_hat 3y ago

Its not that uncommon though. I know guys juggling 4-8 women in various capacities (some more regular, some occasional, some remote).