4 ms·

This sounds like a chunk of what I experience on a regular basis, used to be more intense (now in my 30’s). I know many creatives/artists who harness such trai

This sounds like a chunk of what I experience on a regular basis, used to be more intense (now in my 30’s). I know many creatives/artists who harness such traits to their advantage. I suspect more people experience reality like this than would openly admit. This is what I understand as “privacy” in my own way. ADHD was my diagnosis, what I learned is that for everyone with the disorder a completely different set of traits manifest themselves. Different experiences lead to different coping strategies, which in turn develop different personalities and values depending on the experiences with success/failures/traumas. Because of this treatments vary. For some it’s medication, for others it’s something else. Treatment is a big word too - what if along with the things you don’t like there are parts that make you who you are. You don’t want “treatment” to kill those off.

lazide 3y ago
If part of who you are is in direct response to significant and ongoing unresolved trauma (by whatever source), if resolving that might result in that part ending up ‘killed off’ - or at least changed - no? Hypervigilance, at least? If nothing changes, nothing will change.
- kayodelycaon 3y ago
  I've actually experienced this. I was diagnosed bipolar after a rather severe psychotic break. Up to that point I had defined my life as being a terrible person striving to become better. Medication very quickly showed me I was not a terrible person, but that I was suffering severely from mania and even more dangerous paranoia. As I stabilized, everything that defined me was stripped away, leaving an empty husk. I very quickly realized as traumatic at this was, it was a start to healing and an enormous opportunity. During that process, I got to choose who I would become. Now, a few years later, I'm happy with who I am and plan to keep improving. Medication has allowed me to sit down and focus on creative things instead of being overwhelmed and scared all the time.
  - l33tbro 3y ago
    Thank you gor sharing this. I'm glad you found a way through. It must have been extremely difficult to confront and accept these realities. Seems pretty brave to me.
    - kayodelycaon 3y ago
      I’m not sure I’m brave. I deal with all kinds of mental bullshit every single day. Navigating it is as natural as breathing. I like to compare what happened to a paint clay pot being thrown at a wall. There was no “me” anymore. Shortly after that happened, I did the obvious thing. I sat down on the floor and gathered up all of the pieces. Then I sorted through them and decided which ones I liked. Then I looked at a few other pots to fill in the gaps. Then I glued it all back together, kind of like Kintsugi. That’s the only approach I considered. Giving up or letting someone else take responsibility never occurred to me.
      - lazide 3y ago
        Or you wouldn't let yourself see them, because you knew giving up meant destruction (or turning into something terrible), and no one else could be relied on to take responsibility in a way that would help you - or doing so could/would be used to hurt you. So you did what needed to be done. As scary as it might have been, if you'd allowed yourself to think about it. That meets the definition of brave to me, personally. My apologies if this disrespectful. Good job, and respect.
- scyzoryk_xyz 3y ago
  Not sure I catch your meaning there, but agree, I guess? Where is the threshold of significance for the trauma is the question. And it’s a philosophical one, really. Individual. If something needs to change then yeah, have to work on that one. I don’t know about being “hyper vigilant” though - that doesn’t sound like a good life to be living.
  - lazide 3y ago
    If someone is in a state of pain, unwillingness to change their circumstances or their responses to circumstances will stop them from leaving that state of pain. It’s hard to not call our personalities ‘responses to circumstances’ to some level. There is no objective measure for ‘serious’ or not trauma, near as I can tell. It’s usually subjective measures like pain scales, or subjective judgements like level of dysfunction in daily life. A veteran who physically attacks anyone wearing a uniform is a pretty easy diagnosis, compared to say an outwardly successful executive who has managed to hide his severe alcoholism. Both have issues. Hypervigilance can also be known as ‘noticing things others don’t’, ‘being exceptionally very aware of others needs’, ‘being able to read people’s minds’, ‘seeing it coming before anyone else’, etc. It’s adaptive when the environment has unpredictable and real threats. A soldier in a war zone who notices that twig snap in the background and wakes up is adaptively hyper vigilant. It can (and often does) keep him alive. A leader (or follower) who notices their boss is going insane before it’s too late to get away, or that one of their folks is acting weird before they can betray the group? Similar. The programmer who can’t get to sleep because they’re constantly trying to figure out why they think something is going wrong is maladaptively hyper vigilant. But that could be because they aren’t being allowed to see what is wrong, not because there is nothing wrong. Or maybe it is because they’re overused to solving problems, and lack of a problem to solve is concerning. It’s the state of always noticing what is going on around you and who is doing what, and frankly hyperfocus could be a part of it too. That’s turning all that energy into what has been identified as the actual problem/threat (at the moment). Think tunnel vision. Focus is nothing if not ‘removing undesired/confusing data from the picture’ after all. Trauma reactions tend to be things like Hypervigilance, or complete tuning out/dissociation, or hyper aggressiveness (always fighting everything, even when it makes no sense), or extreme manipulation (as the threat was someone who could not be directly fought/won against). Each of these have corresponding disorders on various axis, though they aren’t called out as such near as I can tell.

lazide 3y ago

If part of who you are is in direct response to significant and ongoing unresolved trauma (by whatever source), if resolving that might result in that part ending up ‘killed off’ - or at least changed - no? Hypervigilance, at least? If nothing changes, nothing will change.

kayodelycaon 3y ago
I've actually experienced this. I was diagnosed bipolar after a rather severe psychotic break. Up to that point I had defined my life as being a terrible person striving to become better. Medication very quickly showed me I was not a terrible person, but that I was suffering severely from mania and even more dangerous paranoia. As I stabilized, everything that defined me was stripped away, leaving an empty husk. I very quickly realized as traumatic at this was, it was a start to healing and an enormous opportunity. During that process, I got to choose who I would become. Now, a few years later, I'm happy with who I am and plan to keep improving. Medication has allowed me to sit down and focus on creative things instead of being overwhelmed and scared all the time.
- l33tbro 3y ago
  Thank you gor sharing this. I'm glad you found a way through. It must have been extremely difficult to confront and accept these realities. Seems pretty brave to me.
  - kayodelycaon 3y ago
    I’m not sure I’m brave. I deal with all kinds of mental bullshit every single day. Navigating it is as natural as breathing. I like to compare what happened to a paint clay pot being thrown at a wall. There was no “me” anymore. Shortly after that happened, I did the obvious thing. I sat down on the floor and gathered up all of the pieces. Then I sorted through them and decided which ones I liked. Then I looked at a few other pots to fill in the gaps. Then I glued it all back together, kind of like Kintsugi. That’s the only approach I considered. Giving up or letting someone else take responsibility never occurred to me.
    - lazide 3y ago
      Or you wouldn't let yourself see them, because you knew giving up meant destruction (or turning into something terrible), and no one else could be relied on to take responsibility in a way that would help you - or doing so could/would be used to hurt you. So you did what needed to be done. As scary as it might have been, if you'd allowed yourself to think about it. That meets the definition of brave to me, personally. My apologies if this disrespectful. Good job, and respect.
scyzoryk_xyz 3y ago
Not sure I catch your meaning there, but agree, I guess? Where is the threshold of significance for the trauma is the question. And it’s a philosophical one, really. Individual. If something needs to change then yeah, have to work on that one. I don’t know about being “hyper vigilant” though - that doesn’t sound like a good life to be living.
- lazide 3y ago
  If someone is in a state of pain, unwillingness to change their circumstances or their responses to circumstances will stop them from leaving that state of pain. It’s hard to not call our personalities ‘responses to circumstances’ to some level. There is no objective measure for ‘serious’ or not trauma, near as I can tell. It’s usually subjective measures like pain scales, or subjective judgements like level of dysfunction in daily life. A veteran who physically attacks anyone wearing a uniform is a pretty easy diagnosis, compared to say an outwardly successful executive who has managed to hide his severe alcoholism. Both have issues. Hypervigilance can also be known as ‘noticing things others don’t’, ‘being exceptionally very aware of others needs’, ‘being able to read people’s minds’, ‘seeing it coming before anyone else’, etc. It’s adaptive when the environment has unpredictable and real threats. A soldier in a war zone who notices that twig snap in the background and wakes up is adaptively hyper vigilant. It can (and often does) keep him alive. A leader (or follower) who notices their boss is going insane before it’s too late to get away, or that one of their folks is acting weird before they can betray the group? Similar. The programmer who can’t get to sleep because they’re constantly trying to figure out why they think something is going wrong is maladaptively hyper vigilant. But that could be because they aren’t being allowed to see what is wrong, not because there is nothing wrong. Or maybe it is because they’re overused to solving problems, and lack of a problem to solve is concerning. It’s the state of always noticing what is going on around you and who is doing what, and frankly hyperfocus could be a part of it too. That’s turning all that energy into what has been identified as the actual problem/threat (at the moment). Think tunnel vision. Focus is nothing if not ‘removing undesired/confusing data from the picture’ after all. Trauma reactions tend to be things like Hypervigilance, or complete tuning out/dissociation, or hyper aggressiveness (always fighting everything, even when it makes no sense), or extreme manipulation (as the threat was someone who could not be directly fought/won against). Each of these have corresponding disorders on various axis, though they aren’t called out as such near as I can tell.