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>introverts find interactions with other “draining” I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. Level of drain = lack of trust in that person X overall level of anxiety

by pydry 3y ago

>introverts find interactions with other “draining” I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. Level of drain = lack of trust in that person X overall level of anxiety If you're highly anxious and socializing with people you dont trust (strangers, acquaintances) then the experience will be stressful and draining. Ive met many self declared introverts who have no problem socializing for long periods in small groups with people they trust absolutely. Ditto self declared extroverts who are "socially performing" in a critical sitation where they will be judged can't help but find that experience draining.

jgilias 3y ago
Well, no. I guess if you don’t know then you don’t know. As an anecdotal personal example. I love my wife and kids dearly. I trust them, and feel no anxiety being around them. Yet it’s draining. Now they’re gone for a few days, and I feel very good being finally alone for a few days. Likewise I enjoy getting together with friends and family. I’ve also learned to be sociable. But it’s draining. After a day of having to interact with people I really, really, really cherish being alone for a few hours with my own thoughts, and preferably silence. We’re different like that, people in general, I mean.
- coffeebeqn 3y ago
  You also adjust to a degree. With a family those longer moments can be as rare as a few times a year. I used to be alone for many hours or days almost daily when I was younger. But I’m doing fine. I really do enjoy the moments of solitude but I guess I don’t need them as much as I thought. With this “draining” metaphor you’d think every introvert parent is a mere husk
  - bityard 3y ago
    Well, some of us are. :/
  - jgilias 3y ago
    Recognizing that something takes effort doesn’t necessarily imply that the activity is not enjoyable or worth pursuing. I mean, I do see how someone might believe that just because one finds an activity draining they’d strive to avoid it at all costs. But that really doesn’t have to be the case.
    - squirtlebonflow 3y ago
      True. Pretty much everything worth doing is "draining"
stronglikedan 3y ago
> introverts find interactions with other “draining” > I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. As an introvert, it's spot on. I have no problems socializing with people, whether I trust them or not. I spend long periods (e.g., days camping) with groups that I trust. I enjoy all of it in the moment. I don't have anxiety. It's all still draining, and I need to spend days alone to recharge after days of socializing, enjoyable or otherwise.
- 0xfae 3y ago
  I think if you use the model presented by the author of the article, it's less than you need to "recharge" but rather that after a few days you've filled your small group and large group bucket/quota, and now you need to fill that solitude bucket/quota. It's just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. I like the authors because it's much more multi-faceted and easier to find practical applications, at least in my mind. "I enjoy a good amount of solitude, and I've just spent several days socializing, so I'm going to prioritize alone time for the next few days" rather than "I need to recharge so I can be social again." It's similar, but I like the first one better.
  - tstrimple 3y ago
    Yeah, sure. One bucketing emptying over time and then refilling as you change activities is completely different than a battery which depletes over time and then recharges.
- tayo42 3y ago
  if you went camping on your own, you dont think you still need to recharge?
  - stronglikedan 3y ago
    No, I do that to recharge.
    - kaashif 3y ago
karaterobot 3y ago
I think what you call bullshit is a core part of the generally accepted definition of an introvert, so I'd want some more extraordinary proof than this in order to be persuaded. > Ive met many self declared introverts who have no problem socializing for long periods in small groups with people they trust absolutely. How do you know they had no problem socializing for long periods? Did you ask them, or did they just not complain about it to you? Part of the issue for many introverts is the social expectation is often set by a more extroverted culture, and they just try to fit in. That doesn't mean they prefer chatting with you for four hours rather than, say, two hours.
- pydry 3y ago
  >How do you know they had no problem socializing for long periods? Did you ask them Yes of course. I think pretty much every self declared introvert Ive asked about this had 1-5 people for whom spending time with them didnt "drain" them - e.g. best friend, parent, spouse, etc. When they described what type of situations drained them that they enjoyed it would generally be something like going to a party where they didnt know anyone.
  - em-bee 3y ago
    that's not enough evidence. while i would generally agree that it is true and matches my experience that the better i know people the less drained i get interacting with them, i have interacted with people i have never met before without being drained and i can get drained by people who i otherwise trust. in both cases what mattered was that i had to focus on them and not on myself. where i don't get drained with total strangers is when the topic of discussion is one where i can contribute a lot, vs a topic where i feel less secure. naturally interacting with best friends, partners and other close family, topics are often familiar and comfortable, and, uncomfortable topics are easy to avoid. at a party on the other hand it can be hit or miss, and usually hits are rare. out of several dozen events i can count two where someone i never met before and me found a topic so interesting that we were talking about it for hours. going home from those left me full of energy, when most others didn't.
- CPLX 3y ago
SketchySeaBeast 3y ago
You're heavily conflating anxiety and introversion. My wife is an extrovert with anxiety - once she gets comfortable she's energized by people. She comes home bouncing off the walls. I'm an introvert - regardless of comfort level I come home and want to go to bed immediately.
- pydry 3y ago
  Im pretty sure everybody gets energized once they've gotten fully comfortable with someone. That process of getting comfortable is the relevant context though - not a virtual dial in their brain that goes from "introvert" to "extrovert".
  - isk517 3y ago
    Ha, I wish. The level of comfort with someone really only effects the rate of energy drain, at least in my case.
  - SketchySeaBeast 3y ago
    But that's not what I'm saying - I'm saying conversation drains me even if I'm with someone I'm comfortable with. I'm tired when it's over. My wife is not. She comes home excited.
    - tstrimple 3y ago
      It's very much like I have a hidden meter for dealing with other people. Once it's full, I'm done with people. It doesn't really matter how much I like or trust these people. I can get burned out from talking to folks at work and need space from my family and vice-versa. I just need time to be alone and not have to consider making conversation or entertaining anyone. I need space for my thoughts to expand and to not be constantly distracted by other people's "noise". I love my wife. I love my kids. I enjoy spending time with them. But when that social meter is full, regardless of how it got full, I have little ability to engage with them.
  - bowsamic 3y ago
vidarh 3y ago
It does not matter how much I trust someone, or how relaxed I am, or indeed how much I enjoy myself with someone, being around people still drains me of energy. There are differences in how fast, but not whether or not it drains me.
emptyfile 3y ago
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jghn 3y ago
I'm somewhere in that morass. I love socializing with people I know and enjoy. I hate social interaction with strangers and/or people I don't know well, don't like, etc. I'm also completely happy being by myself for long stretches of time. What's draining vs energizing for me is equally a mess. Don't know what that makes me but I don't worry about the labels
jaredhallen 3y ago
The lack of trust aspect resonates with me. I find interactions with people I know well and connect with to be the opposite of draining. It seems like different people just have different criteria for what constitutes positive interaction. And my experience says even that varies for an individual, depending on mood, energy level, or whatever other factors.
magicalhippo 3y ago
>> introverts find interactions with other “draining” > I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. Both me and my SO are more introvert than not. We've come to the conclusion that one of the core reasons it's so draining for us is that we puts a lot of thought into interactions and conversations, even superficial small talk ones. At least in our experience, those who appear more extrovert seem to do less of that. They don't seem to reflect over all our actions, or everything we say. Some of it, or at certain times, sure. But seemingly not to the same degree. If that is the case, then it is more draining, because we exert more mental effort. > Level of drain = lack of trust in that person X overall level of anxiety Speaking for myself at least, anxiety has nothing to do with it, nor lack of trust. I don't feel any anxiety striking a random conversation with someone in a bar or with a family member at home. And when I have a random conversation with someone in a bar, it doesn't matter if I trust them or not, because the topics are almost never intimate. With my family members I know I can trust them, so that's moot as well. But both conversations can be quite draining, and at least for me, I suspect it has more to do with what I described above.

by pydry 3y ago

jgilias 3y ago

Well, no. I guess if you don’t know then you don’t know. As an anecdotal personal example. I love my wife and kids dearly. I trust them, and feel no anxiety being around them. Yet it’s draining. Now they’re gone for a few days, and I feel very good being finally alone for a few days. Likewise I enjoy getting together with friends and family. I’ve also learned to be sociable. But it’s draining. After a day of having to interact with people I really, really, really cherish being alone for a few hours with my own thoughts, and preferably silence. We’re different like that, people in general, I mean.

coffeebeqn 3y ago
You also adjust to a degree. With a family those longer moments can be as rare as a few times a year. I used to be alone for many hours or days almost daily when I was younger. But I’m doing fine. I really do enjoy the moments of solitude but I guess I don’t need them as much as I thought. With this “draining” metaphor you’d think every introvert parent is a mere husk
- bityard 3y ago
  Well, some of us are. :/
- jgilias 3y ago
  Recognizing that something takes effort doesn’t necessarily imply that the activity is not enjoyable or worth pursuing. I mean, I do see how someone might believe that just because one finds an activity draining they’d strive to avoid it at all costs. But that really doesn’t have to be the case.
  - squirtlebonflow 3y ago
    True. Pretty much everything worth doing is "draining"

stronglikedan 3y ago

> introverts find interactions with other “draining” > I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. As an introvert, it's spot on. I have no problems socializing with people, whether I trust them or not. I spend long periods (e.g., days camping) with groups that I trust. I enjoy all of it in the moment. I don't have anxiety. It's all still draining, and I need to spend days alone to recharge after days of socializing, enjoyable or otherwise.

0xfae 3y ago
I think if you use the model presented by the author of the article, it's less than you need to "recharge" but rather that after a few days you've filled your small group and large group bucket/quota, and now you need to fill that solitude bucket/quota. It's just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. I like the authors because it's much more multi-faceted and easier to find practical applications, at least in my mind. "I enjoy a good amount of solitude, and I've just spent several days socializing, so I'm going to prioritize alone time for the next few days" rather than "I need to recharge so I can be social again." It's similar, but I like the first one better.
- tstrimple 3y ago
  Yeah, sure. One bucketing emptying over time and then refilling as you change activities is completely different than a battery which depletes over time and then recharges.
tayo42 3y ago
if you went camping on your own, you dont think you still need to recharge?
- stronglikedan 3y ago
  No, I do that to recharge.
  - kaashif 3y ago

karaterobot 3y ago

I think what you call bullshit is a core part of the generally accepted definition of an introvert, so I'd want some more extraordinary proof than this in order to be persuaded. > Ive met many self declared introverts who have no problem socializing for long periods in small groups with people they trust absolutely. How do you know they had no problem socializing for long periods? Did you ask them, or did they just not complain about it to you? Part of the issue for many introverts is the social expectation is often set by a more extroverted culture, and they just try to fit in. That doesn't mean they prefer chatting with you for four hours rather than, say, two hours.

pydry 3y ago
>How do you know they had no problem socializing for long periods? Did you ask them Yes of course. I think pretty much every self declared introvert Ive asked about this had 1-5 people for whom spending time with them didnt "drain" them - e.g. best friend, parent, spouse, etc. When they described what type of situations drained them that they enjoyed it would generally be something like going to a party where they didnt know anyone.
- em-bee 3y ago
  that's not enough evidence. while i would generally agree that it is true and matches my experience that the better i know people the less drained i get interacting with them, i have interacted with people i have never met before without being drained and i can get drained by people who i otherwise trust. in both cases what mattered was that i had to focus on them and not on myself. where i don't get drained with total strangers is when the topic of discussion is one where i can contribute a lot, vs a topic where i feel less secure. naturally interacting with best friends, partners and other close family, topics are often familiar and comfortable, and, uncomfortable topics are easy to avoid. at a party on the other hand it can be hit or miss, and usually hits are rare. out of several dozen events i can count two where someone i never met before and me found a topic so interesting that we were talking about it for hours. going home from those left me full of energy, when most others didn't.
CPLX 3y ago

SketchySeaBeast 3y ago

You're heavily conflating anxiety and introversion. My wife is an extrovert with anxiety - once she gets comfortable she's energized by people. She comes home bouncing off the walls. I'm an introvert - regardless of comfort level I come home and want to go to bed immediately.

pydry 3y ago
Im pretty sure everybody gets energized once they've gotten fully comfortable with someone. That process of getting comfortable is the relevant context though - not a virtual dial in their brain that goes from "introvert" to "extrovert".
- isk517 3y ago
  Ha, I wish. The level of comfort with someone really only effects the rate of energy drain, at least in my case.
- SketchySeaBeast 3y ago
  But that's not what I'm saying - I'm saying conversation drains me even if I'm with someone I'm comfortable with. I'm tired when it's over. My wife is not. She comes home excited.
  - tstrimple 3y ago
    It's very much like I have a hidden meter for dealing with other people. Once it's full, I'm done with people. It doesn't really matter how much I like or trust these people. I can get burned out from talking to folks at work and need space from my family and vice-versa. I just need time to be alone and not have to consider making conversation or entertaining anyone. I need space for my thoughts to expand and to not be constantly distracted by other people's "noise". I love my wife. I love my kids. I enjoy spending time with them. But when that social meter is full, regardless of how it got full, I have little ability to engage with them.
- bowsamic 3y ago

vidarh 3y ago

It does not matter how much I trust someone, or how relaxed I am, or indeed how much I enjoy myself with someone, being around people still drains me of energy. There are differences in how fast, but not whether or not it drains me.

emptyfile 3y ago

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jghn 3y ago

I'm somewhere in that morass. I love socializing with people I know and enjoy. I hate social interaction with strangers and/or people I don't know well, don't like, etc. I'm also completely happy being by myself for long stretches of time. What's draining vs energizing for me is equally a mess. Don't know what that makes me but I don't worry about the labels

jaredhallen 3y ago

The lack of trust aspect resonates with me. I find interactions with people I know well and connect with to be the opposite of draining. It seems like different people just have different criteria for what constitutes positive interaction. And my experience says even that varies for an individual, depending on mood, energy level, or whatever other factors.

magicalhippo 3y ago

>> introverts find interactions with other “draining” > I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. Both me and my SO are more introvert than not. We've come to the conclusion that one of the core reasons it's so draining for us is that we puts a lot of thought into interactions and conversations, even superficial small talk ones. At least in our experience, those who appear more extrovert seem to do less of that. They don't seem to reflect over all our actions, or everything we say. Some of it, or at certain times, sure. But seemingly not to the same degree. If that is the case, then it is more draining, because we exert more mental effort. > Level of drain = lack of trust in that person X overall level of anxiety Speaking for myself at least, anxiety has nothing to do with it, nor lack of trust. I don't feel any anxiety striking a random conversation with someone in a bar or with a family member at home. And when I have a random conversation with someone in a bar, it doesn't matter if I trust them or not, because the topics are almost never intimate. With my family members I know I can trust them, so that's moot as well. But both conversations can be quite draining, and at least for me, I suspect it has more to do with what I described above.