I've grappled with that pain for a long time now. I don't have a perfect answer, but I'll throw out another reading recommendation: The Sunny Nihilist by Wendy

I've grappled with that pain for a long time now. I don't have a perfect answer, but I'll throw out another reading recommendation: The Sunny Nihilist by Wendy Syfret. It's not specifically about death, but about finding (or defining) meaning in the face of meaninglessness. I'll also say there's a difference between engaging philosophically with the idea of death, and having panic or anxiety attacks about it. When my existential thoughts turned into panic attacks I sought therapy, which gave me tools to ground myself and get out of the downward spiral of dread.