3 ms·

From your own description, you blaming instagram, social media, instead of the obvious is really interesting.

by aydyn 3y ago

borissk 3y ago
What's the obvious?
- KerrAvon 3y ago
  incompatibility?
- svnt 3y ago
  Sometimes people meet when young and don’t know better and get lucky with the match. Sometimes they end up with someone who never understood them and still wants them to be something else. OP is probably #2.
  - zer8k 3y ago
    I'd say you're probably right. Except it went from having things in common to what it is now. I can identify the exact bifurcation point and it is when "lifestyle" social media became popular. At that point I feel like the world became far more hedonistic. Once you get the ear worm that the grass is always greener you don't appreciate what you have in front of you. I'm not necessarily saying you're wrong but we did start out with significantly more compatibility than I think you're implying. It was only when comparison became the norm that we grew more distant. She wants the ability to brag to her friends and the internet. Maybe she was always this way. Maybe she wasn't. It certainly was not obvious to me. People change and perhaps I have too. Some of it I think is escapism from the banality of life.
    - svnt 3y ago
      I’m trying to say something slightly more nuanced than compatible/incompatible, although with the “still” I guess I was reaching back into the past. It is the difference between social compatibility and value compatibility, I think. If you were in the same cultural group and didn’t communicate values, then you were compatible at the moment. When social media came along if you both shared your value perspective you both might have responded as you did (or, if you shared her perspective, as she did). Instead it split your sociocultural compatibility along a value axis. The best way I’ve found to communicate this in a straightforward way is as being seen/understood, which is when your partner understands and appreciates who you are and why you’ve done something, most importantly when you don’t want to do something. edit to say: I made it sound like it’s too late, but I didn’t mean to. For social people, social media is more necessary and they can be more effective in it. It sounds like your partner is more social than you. They probably value the network more than they resent it because of this, and are probably feeling the reduction in offline opportunities for socializing. If so, this is likely functioning at an evolutionary level for them. If you found a way where you could see some positive aspect of their network and engage with that, it might alleviate their attempts to get you to engage with the materialistic aspects. It also might not, but something like this is probably worth a try.
javawizard 3y ago
Care to elaborate?
- aydyn 3y ago
  Sure. Assuming GPs description is accurate (which is for sure an assumption) the problem is their partner is a abusive and toxic individual. Tons of people use social media without going on to emotionally abuse their partner. The fact that they dissociate and excuse their partner’s abusive mentality is whats interesting to me. And given the post voting, it seems like a lot of HN is quick to do so too.
bugglebeetle 3y ago
I’m not sure what the obvious is here, but my takeaway was that OP’s story is quite similar to the plot of Madame Bovary, so it’s only a novel problem in the literary sense.
zer8k 3y ago
I can understand what you are saying but I can actually draw a straight line from cause to effect here. The relationship was swell prior to that and started falling apart after. It may be hard to believe if you are a person who is over-connected yourself. Maybe she never really liked me or something. She also never made any effort to leave. We had a lot in common and enjoyed our company. As someone who places no stock in the modern social media mess it came to me as a shock when the comparisons started occurring weekly, then daily, then several times a day. At one point I could do almost nothing right. People don't flip like this overnight and when she is literally SHOWING me her reel of all the fun her friends are having it seems to be social media.

From your own description, you blaming instagram, social media, instead of the obvious is really interesting.

by aydyn 3y ago

From your own description, you blaming instagram, social media, instead of the obvious is really interesting.

borissk 3y ago

What's the obvious?

KerrAvon 3y ago
incompatibility?
svnt 3y ago
Sometimes people meet when young and don’t know better and get lucky with the match. Sometimes they end up with someone who never understood them and still wants them to be something else. OP is probably #2.
- zer8k 3y ago
  I'd say you're probably right. Except it went from having things in common to what it is now. I can identify the exact bifurcation point and it is when "lifestyle" social media became popular. At that point I feel like the world became far more hedonistic. Once you get the ear worm that the grass is always greener you don't appreciate what you have in front of you. I'm not necessarily saying you're wrong but we did start out with significantly more compatibility than I think you're implying. It was only when comparison became the norm that we grew more distant. She wants the ability to brag to her friends and the internet. Maybe she was always this way. Maybe she wasn't. It certainly was not obvious to me. People change and perhaps I have too. Some of it I think is escapism from the banality of life.
  - svnt 3y ago
    I’m trying to say something slightly more nuanced than compatible/incompatible, although with the “still” I guess I was reaching back into the past. It is the difference between social compatibility and value compatibility, I think. If you were in the same cultural group and didn’t communicate values, then you were compatible at the moment. When social media came along if you both shared your value perspective you both might have responded as you did (or, if you shared her perspective, as she did). Instead it split your sociocultural compatibility along a value axis. The best way I’ve found to communicate this in a straightforward way is as being seen/understood, which is when your partner understands and appreciates who you are and why you’ve done something, most importantly when you don’t want to do something. edit to say: I made it sound like it’s too late, but I didn’t mean to. For social people, social media is more necessary and they can be more effective in it. It sounds like your partner is more social than you. They probably value the network more than they resent it because of this, and are probably feeling the reduction in offline opportunities for socializing. If so, this is likely functioning at an evolutionary level for them. If you found a way where you could see some positive aspect of their network and engage with that, it might alleviate their attempts to get you to engage with the materialistic aspects. It also might not, but something like this is probably worth a try.

javawizard 3y ago

Care to elaborate?

aydyn 3y ago
Sure. Assuming GPs description is accurate (which is for sure an assumption) the problem is their partner is a abusive and toxic individual. Tons of people use social media without going on to emotionally abuse their partner. The fact that they dissociate and excuse their partner’s abusive mentality is whats interesting to me. And given the post voting, it seems like a lot of HN is quick to do so too.

bugglebeetle 3y ago

I’m not sure what the obvious is here, but my takeaway was that OP’s story is quite similar to the plot of Madame Bovary, so it’s only a novel problem in the literary sense.

zer8k 3y ago

I can understand what you are saying but I can actually draw a straight line from cause to effect here. The relationship was swell prior to that and started falling apart after. It may be hard to believe if you are a person who is over-connected yourself. Maybe she never really liked me or something. She also never made any effort to leave. We had a lot in common and enjoyed our company. As someone who places no stock in the modern social media mess it came to me as a shock when the comparisons started occurring weekly, then daily, then several times a day. At one point I could do almost nothing right. People don't flip like this overnight and when she is literally SHOWING me her reel of all the fun her friends are having it seems to be social media.