I’ve never not been a developer in a „scrum“ team. And each org butchers the framework in one way or another. Dedicated scrum master? Meh, let the PO do it. Let

I’ve never not been a developer in a „scrum“ team. And each org butchers the framework in one way or another. Dedicated scrum master? Meh, let the PO do it. Let’s estimate stories based on the time it takes to complete them and eventually measure our velocity based on days worked on a ticket (and pat each other on the back when a sprint without holidays finished). Let’s plan the next 12 months like this based on loose terms and draw some deadlines in the sand - which we will absolutely insist on later but worry not it’s still scrum because you guys do the scrum related meetings. Let’s have a status report during dailies because instead of fostering collaboration middle management would like to know whether they can update their weekly progress PowerPoint mid sprint. Let’s document every minute on every ticket, meeting or 2 paragraph chat message to help someone from QA because transparency. Let’s have a disjoint backend, frontend and testing subteam on the same scrum team and discourage cross functionality because of efficiency but still have them all sit in the same refinements twiddling thumbs. Let’s strip the PO of every ounce of decision power so they become an imperfect messenger of non-agile middle and upper management. Let’s have plannings and refinements together. Let’s do a mid-sprint planning for all the production bugs which we will not estimate. Let’s have 5 backlogs - product, bugs, technical debt, experimental and misc - and let’s ignore the technical debt one. Let’s not listen to developer feedback and rather tell them which tools to use for the job. Let‘s never document anything technical even if it is super obscure but incredibly important because we should rather work on features that increase revenue in the short term. Let‘s never pair - that’s twice the time booked on one ticket and we can’t have that. Let’s have a pre and post refinement. Let’s write todos at the end of a retrospective which nobody will ever be assigned to or complete.