3 ms·

I'm not sure if I've had these exact experiences, but something related perhaps, albeit milder. When I was in my early twenties I consumed a lot of cannabis in

by jmfldn 3y ago

I'm not sure if I've had these exact experiences, but something related perhaps, albeit milder. When I was in my early twenties I consumed a lot of cannabis in the form of hash cakes one night and it triggered a panic attack. What was scary about the panic attack was this feeling of the world around me feeling dreamlike, or like I was in a dream I couldn't wake up from. It was like there's normally this safe ground we all walk on, and we don't know its even there, and that implicit feeling we all carry with us can drift away. It wasn't psychosis, I think it was just a by-product of anxiety, which in itself is a very mind altering experience. If you've ever had a panic attack or experienced severe anxiety states you'll know what I mean. It's effectively a bad trip, your perception is altered by the cortisol and adrenaline coursing through your brain and the resulting mental exhaustion and depressed emotions that can arise alongside it. I was predisposed to anxiety already, and I think this experience led me into developing mild to moderate panic disorder which was driven by fear of experiencing this state again. So it become a vicious circle. A fear of fear which, ironically, became a trigger for the feared thing. I believe it was made worse by my highly philosophical brain, and a deep immersion in existential philosophies. In particular Buddhism. So I was already used to a worldview which was challenging existentially let's say. Looking back, I was probably too young at the time, and maybe too anxious, to be immersed in all this naval gazing given my mental health. Decades later I'm OK, but I have residual panic feelings surfacing sometimes. The difference now is that I don't identify with them, I just see them as fleeting feelings producing a distorted sense of reality. The secret with anxiety, for me at least, is to not care if you feel anxious and to let it pass.

EA-3167 3y ago
> The secret with anxiety, for me at least, is to not care if you feel anxious and to let it pass. I think that's very insightful, since so often the "panic loop" is driven first and foremost by the anxiety over feeling anxious. People feel the stirrings of anxiety, and having had a panic attack, they're terrified of that sensation returning, which fuels their anxiety and focuses them on those feelings. It's a vicious circle which is hard to break without practice, and for some, medication.
- jmfldn 3y ago
  Yes absolutely. The insight for me is that the perception itself is totally unreal. One minute I felt one way, now I feel another. Well, which is real? Since I can perceive reality in two ways then they can't both be real. Maybe neither are, but the panic perception is underpinned by all this adrenaline and stress, so it's a much more artificial or contingent state. You never experience this when you're relaxed and in a state of homeostasis. It's just a warped perception, your mind plays tricks when you're tired and certainly when it's anxious.
jmfldn 3y ago
I found this quote in "Notes On A Nervous planet" by the wonderful Matt Haig a few years ago. It was the first time I felt "seen" and like someone else could articulate this weird feeling I sometimes had... "People who have never had a period of living with anxiety and panic don’t understand that the realness of you is an actual feeling that you can lose. People take it for granted. You don’t get up in the morning and think, as you spread peanut butter onto your toast, ‘Ah, good, my sense of self is still intact, and the world is still real, I can now get on with my day.’ It’s just there. Until it isn’t. Until you are in the cereal aisle, feeling inexplicable terror. When trying to express what a panic attack feels like it’s easy to talk about the obvious symptoms: the racing thoughts, the palpitations, the tightness of the chest, the breathlessness, the nausea, the tingling sensations inside your skull or your arms and legs. But there is another more complicated symptom I used to get. One which I have come to realise is at the heart of what my panic attacks have always been about. It is the one called, tellingly, derealisation. Within a feeling of derealisation, I still knew I was me. I just didn’t feel I was me. It is a feeling of disintegration. Like a sand sculpture crumbling away. And there is a paradox about this sensation. Because it feels like both an extreme intensity of self and a nothingness of self. A feeling of no return, as if you have suddenly lost something that you didn’t know you had to look after, and that the thing you had to look after was you."
- SamoyedFurFluff 3y ago
  That’s how I feel all the time, a lack of self. Never been scared by it. It’s the opposite that’s scary. That you will always be you, a solid and weighted thing, a thing of blood and memory.
imaginary_unit 3y ago
wow, that's intriguingly similar to what I experienced in my life.
asd88 3y ago
This is extremely similar to what happened to me. Antidepressants and CBT helped manage the anxiety and, 12 years later, I’m pretty much back to normal except for the ocasional manageable panic you describe and some baseline anxiety.
- jmfldn 3y ago
  It's quite common I've gradually come to realise. Even within my friendship group, two people had these experiences.

by jmfldn 3y ago

EA-3167 3y ago

> The secret with anxiety, for me at least, is to not care if you feel anxious and to let it pass. I think that's very insightful, since so often the "panic loop" is driven first and foremost by the anxiety over feeling anxious. People feel the stirrings of anxiety, and having had a panic attack, they're terrified of that sensation returning, which fuels their anxiety and focuses them on those feelings. It's a vicious circle which is hard to break without practice, and for some, medication.

jmfldn 3y ago
Yes absolutely. The insight for me is that the perception itself is totally unreal. One minute I felt one way, now I feel another. Well, which is real? Since I can perceive reality in two ways then they can't both be real. Maybe neither are, but the panic perception is underpinned by all this adrenaline and stress, so it's a much more artificial or contingent state. You never experience this when you're relaxed and in a state of homeostasis. It's just a warped perception, your mind plays tricks when you're tired and certainly when it's anxious.

jmfldn 3y ago

I found this quote in "Notes On A Nervous planet" by the wonderful Matt Haig a few years ago. It was the first time I felt "seen" and like someone else could articulate this weird feeling I sometimes had... "People who have never had a period of living with anxiety and panic don’t understand that the realness of you is an actual feeling that you can lose. People take it for granted. You don’t get up in the morning and think, as you spread peanut butter onto your toast, ‘Ah, good, my sense of self is still intact, and the world is still real, I can now get on with my day.’ It’s just there. Until it isn’t. Until you are in the cereal aisle, feeling inexplicable terror. When trying to express what a panic attack feels like it’s easy to talk about the obvious symptoms: the racing thoughts, the palpitations, the tightness of the chest, the breathlessness, the nausea, the tingling sensations inside your skull or your arms and legs. But there is another more complicated symptom I used to get. One which I have come to realise is at the heart of what my panic attacks have always been about. It is the one called, tellingly, derealisation. Within a feeling of derealisation, I still knew I was me. I just didn’t feel I was me. It is a feeling of disintegration. Like a sand sculpture crumbling away. And there is a paradox about this sensation. Because it feels like both an extreme intensity of self and a nothingness of self. A feeling of no return, as if you have suddenly lost something that you didn’t know you had to look after, and that the thing you had to look after was you."

SamoyedFurFluff 3y ago
That’s how I feel all the time, a lack of self. Never been scared by it. It’s the opposite that’s scary. That you will always be you, a solid and weighted thing, a thing of blood and memory.

imaginary_unit 3y ago

wow, that's intriguingly similar to what I experienced in my life.

asd88 3y ago

This is extremely similar to what happened to me. Antidepressants and CBT helped manage the anxiety and, 12 years later, I’m pretty much back to normal except for the ocasional manageable panic you describe and some baseline anxiety.

jmfldn 3y ago
It's quite common I've gradually come to realise. Even within my friendship group, two people had these experiences.