2 ms·

My experience is that they do not mean it. What they want is for the man to make her feel loved. What they do not want is for the man to express his deepest ins

My experience is that they do not mean it. What they want is for the man to make her feel loved. What they do not want is for the man to express his deepest insecurities and make her feel insecure by proxy because she depends on him.

hkt 3y ago
Style of communication matters. There are different modes of interaction and being a caregiver/care-receiver is one of them that doesn't mix well with being desired sexually. You can, however, switch between modes. This is in fact the basis behind the therapeutic approach of Transactional Analysis: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis Personally I've encountered the thing you've described, and think where it went wrong was falling into a persistent parent/child dynamic instead of returning to an adult/adult one. I'm a bit wiser now and can confirm that once you recognise the modes you're falling into, you can shed the (toxic) ideas like "nice guys finish last" and start having deeper relationships.
mock-possum 3y ago
I mean turning dependency into codependency isn’t exactly a step in the right direction is it
- dauertewigkeit 3y ago
  Not even joking: isn't that was a romantic relationship is? What is this fear of becoming dependent on your partner? If I didn't need a partner then I would remain single. Isn't love a form of dependency? I think this very modern fear of being dependent on your partner emerged of late because of the way sexual liberalism eroded the security of romantic relationships. Nothing means anything anymore and your partner can leave you at any moment, therefore you have to somehow remain completely independent while leading a relationship. But at the same time, to truly open yourself and love someone you have to become somewhat dependent on them.

2 ms·

My experience is that they do not mean it. What they want is for the man to make her feel loved. What they do not want is for the man to express his deepest ins

by dauertewigkeit 3y ago

hkt 3y ago
Style of communication matters. There are different modes of interaction and being a caregiver/care-receiver is one of them that doesn't mix well with being desired sexually. You can, however, switch between modes. This is in fact the basis behind the therapeutic approach of Transactional Analysis: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis Personally I've encountered the thing you've described, and think where it went wrong was falling into a persistent parent/child dynamic instead of returning to an adult/adult one. I'm a bit wiser now and can confirm that once you recognise the modes you're falling into, you can shed the (toxic) ideas like "nice guys finish last" and start having deeper relationships.
mock-possum 3y ago
I mean turning dependency into codependency isn’t exactly a step in the right direction is it
- dauertewigkeit 3y ago
  Not even joking: isn't that was a romantic relationship is? What is this fear of becoming dependent on your partner? If I didn't need a partner then I would remain single. Isn't love a form of dependency? I think this very modern fear of being dependent on your partner emerged of late because of the way sexual liberalism eroded the security of romantic relationships. Nothing means anything anymore and your partner can leave you at any moment, therefore you have to somehow remain completely independent while leading a relationship. But at the same time, to truly open yourself and love someone you have to become somewhat dependent on them.