6 ms·

Maybe, as a culture, we should emphasize MORE the health of the family, of the duty and honor it brings to raise kids and less on the "perfect" romantic relatio

by geff82 3y ago

Maybe, as a culture, we should emphasize MORE the health of the family, of the duty and honor it brings to raise kids and less on the "perfect" romantic relationships of the parents? Shouldn't we promote a less Hollywood-like picture of long lasting relationships? I have the feeling that we are trained too much to think that our "romance" and sex life should last forever. When - in reality - a good relationship transforms to something that is more similar to a good companionship (yes - you should like each other a lot, sure... but be less seeking for the thrill you might have had in the first year). Kids need stability - not parents living in their own unrealistic world.

InexSquirrel 3y ago
I've never understood why there is a dichotomy presented in relationships like that - sure, 10 years into your marriage you might not be going at it like rabbits as you were in the first year, but there isn't any reason why parents can't provide stable environments for children _and_ have strong romantic relationships still. It takes very little to carve off some time for one another, and that continued investment in bonding with another in and of itself long term provides the stability children need.
- onlyrealcuzzo 3y ago
  > It takes very little to carve off some time for one another, and that continued investment in bonding with another in and of itself long term provides the stability children need. Why is romanticism the only way to "invest in bonding"? There seems to be a large subset (maybe very large?) of the population where the only way to bond on some level is sex.
  - literalis 3y ago
    [flagged]
- saiya-jin 3y ago
  I guess you don't have kids yet, emphasis on plural. They chip away bit by bit everything that makes a relationship a good one, sand in the fine gears that made people fall for each other in the first place. By far the biggest stressor in marriages (unless somebody else is actually raising your kids, be it grandparents or nannies). Sure, you can, and should, keep working on repairs and rebuilding, but that's additional work on top of all additional work on top of actual work of living in modern society. Not everybody, always, has energy for that, and you need 2 for that or it just doesn't work. Hence the difference of what looks nice on paper and how things should be, and how they actually are.
NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
> Maybe, as a culture, we should emphasize MORE the health of the family, of the duty and honor it brings to raise kids and less on the "perfect" romantic relationships of the parents? That ship has sailed. We live in a culture that not only has doubled down on the idea that the happiness/romance of the marriage is far more important than children, but even tells us that the marriage itself must dissolve when unhappy or this will do damage to those kids. Imagine going to work and telling a coworker that your marriage is a disaster, but that you and your wife are considering staying together for the sake of your kids. What would your coworkers say? Do any of us know anyone that we believe might tell us "hey, that's a good idea, and I hope it works out that way for you"? It shows us where our priorities as a society and culture lie. Even if someone could intellectually admit that this assertion of mine was correct, it has inconvenient implications. The larger culture war around us relies on the idea that children simply aren't important to a marriage.
- lapcat 3y ago
  Why would the end of a marriage end the father's emotional investment in and emotional availability to his sons?
  - brigandish 3y ago
    It's not entirely his decision as to whether that investment or availability is called upon, there is the ex-wife's decisions, and others (e.g. court) that have bearing.
- CalRobert 3y ago
  My parents' divorce was one of the best things to happen in my childhood.
  - colordrops 3y ago
    Please expound.
    - 3y ago
Khaine 3y ago
I think as a culture we need to normalise respect for both men and woman. Currently, in society violence against men is acceptable. You see it through articles like this[1] or in tv shows where it's acceptable for a woman to slap a man. Men in ads and tv shows are shown as helpless and clueless without their wives/girlfriends. In modern media, woman are nearly always portrayed positively. Woman are always the 'girlboss', who need to show they are equal or superior to men. Practically, every male space has been feminised. Current culture doesn't really respect Men. [1] http://jezebel.com/294383/have-you-ever-beat-up-a-boyfriend-cause-uh-we-have http://jezebel.com/294383/have-you-ever-beat-up-a-boyfriend-...
- alphager 3y ago
  > Practically, every male space has been feminised. Can you give some examples? I'm really struggling to understand this point.
Nursie 3y ago
It can be healthy for a family not to be together. Fetishizing stability and the nuclear family over happiness of the people in that family isn't necessarily a good solution to anything much. Sure, a good relationship might not resemble the hollywood ideal very much, but "duty to the family" leads to misery for a lot of people, and kids don't grow up happy and well adjusted when mom and dad are very unhappy with their lives and each other.
- literalis 3y ago
  [flagged]

by geff82 3y ago

InexSquirrel 3y ago

I've never understood why there is a dichotomy presented in relationships like that - sure, 10 years into your marriage you might not be going at it like rabbits as you were in the first year, but there isn't any reason why parents can't provide stable environments for children _and_ have strong romantic relationships still. It takes very little to carve off some time for one another, and that continued investment in bonding with another in and of itself long term provides the stability children need.

onlyrealcuzzo 3y ago
> It takes very little to carve off some time for one another, and that continued investment in bonding with another in and of itself long term provides the stability children need. Why is romanticism the only way to "invest in bonding"? There seems to be a large subset (maybe very large?) of the population where the only way to bond on some level is sex.
- literalis 3y ago
  [flagged]
saiya-jin 3y ago
I guess you don't have kids yet, emphasis on plural. They chip away bit by bit everything that makes a relationship a good one, sand in the fine gears that made people fall for each other in the first place. By far the biggest stressor in marriages (unless somebody else is actually raising your kids, be it grandparents or nannies). Sure, you can, and should, keep working on repairs and rebuilding, but that's additional work on top of all additional work on top of actual work of living in modern society. Not everybody, always, has energy for that, and you need 2 for that or it just doesn't work. Hence the difference of what looks nice on paper and how things should be, and how they actually are.

NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago

> Maybe, as a culture, we should emphasize MORE the health of the family, of the duty and honor it brings to raise kids and less on the "perfect" romantic relationships of the parents? That ship has sailed. We live in a culture that not only has doubled down on the idea that the happiness/romance of the marriage is far more important than children, but even tells us that the marriage itself must dissolve when unhappy or this will do damage to those kids. Imagine going to work and telling a coworker that your marriage is a disaster, but that you and your wife are considering staying together for the sake of your kids. What would your coworkers say? Do any of us know anyone that we believe might tell us "hey, that's a good idea, and I hope it works out that way for you"? It shows us where our priorities as a society and culture lie. Even if someone could intellectually admit that this assertion of mine was correct, it has inconvenient implications. The larger culture war around us relies on the idea that children simply aren't important to a marriage.

lapcat 3y ago
Why would the end of a marriage end the father's emotional investment in and emotional availability to his sons?
- brigandish 3y ago
  It's not entirely his decision as to whether that investment or availability is called upon, there is the ex-wife's decisions, and others (e.g. court) that have bearing.
CalRobert 3y ago
My parents' divorce was one of the best things to happen in my childhood.
- colordrops 3y ago
  Please expound.
  - 3y ago

Khaine 3y ago

I think as a culture we need to normalise respect for both men and woman. Currently, in society violence against men is acceptable. You see it through articles like this[1] or in tv shows where it's acceptable for a woman to slap a man. Men in ads and tv shows are shown as helpless and clueless without their wives/girlfriends. In modern media, woman are nearly always portrayed positively. Woman are always the 'girlboss', who need to show they are equal or superior to men. Practically, every male space has been feminised. Current culture doesn't really respect Men. [1] http://jezebel.com/294383/have-you-ever-beat-up-a-boyfriend-cause-uh-we-have http://jezebel.com/294383/have-you-ever-beat-up-a-boyfriend-...

alphager 3y ago
> Practically, every male space has been feminised. Can you give some examples? I'm really struggling to understand this point.

Nursie 3y ago

It can be healthy for a family not to be together. Fetishizing stability and the nuclear family over happiness of the people in that family isn't necessarily a good solution to anything much. Sure, a good relationship might not resemble the hollywood ideal very much, but "duty to the family" leads to misery for a lot of people, and kids don't grow up happy and well adjusted when mom and dad are very unhappy with their lives and each other.

literalis 3y ago
[flagged]