(TW: Suicidal ideation) I fight with ADHD and depression and am in a relationship that’s at best moderately containing some … issues. But things are improving

(TW: Suicidal ideation) I fight with ADHD and depression and am in a relationship that’s at best moderately containing some … issues. But things are improving. Sometimes when I was younger (am mid 40’s now), I would fight such depression I would not want to wake up. After my first wife died when I was 31, I turned to “TheraFlu” to sleep. I’d make a hot toddy with it and honey and whiskey. It never helped. But I developed this “fight the dph” ability to not sleep. So eventually if I wanted to sleep, it was 2-3 dph pills and melatonin. And then a sleep routine. When I’d get depressed I would think of taking more. The most I ever took was 3-4 pills. It made me anxious. Itchy. Kicky in my sleepy. I could never bring myself to take more. Now it’s exercise. Hydration. Therapy. Real sleep, with my cpap… It scares me how people experiment like that and I wish we knew more about the benefits of minor prescribed “trips”.