3 ms·

Is It Bad to Prefer Attractive Partners? [pdf]

10 points by elsewhen 3y ago

roschdal 3y ago
Yes, it's *ism.
davesque 3y ago
This paper was discussed, in typically irreverent fashion, on the Very Bad Wizards podcast a while back: https://podcasts.apple.com/sk/podcast/skin-deep/id557975157?i=1000548969686 https://podcasts.apple.com/sk/podcast/skin-deep/id557975157?...
- mock-possum 3y ago
  You can skip through like the first 30 minutes to get the meat of this one btw
  - kipchak 3y ago
    Discussion of the paper specifically starts at an hour and 7 for anyone looking for it
chaxor 3y ago
Why on earth would this ever be accepted as a HN post.
- djcannabiz 3y ago
  From the guidelines: "If you had to reduce it to a sentence, the answer might be: anything that gratifies one's intellectual curiosity." I'm curious why you think it doesn't fit the bill. It seems like it does to me.
yannyu 3y ago
A related short story by Ted Chiang speculating on a world without attractiveness: "Liking What You See: A Documentary" by Ted Chiang - https://waldyrious.neocities.org/ted_chiang/liking-what-you-see-a-documentary https://waldyrious.neocities.org/ted_chiang/liking-what-you-...
ThrowAwayMyWay 3y ago
I wonder what makes people different in the regard of how attractive their partner has to be. For me, I prefer to be alone over being with a non-attractive woman. I feel strong disgust when it comes to being physically close to women who are not young, fit, and in the 95% range of attractiveness. While I'm getting older, I watch with surprise how all of my friends settle with average women. I could never do that. How comes?
- antisthenes 3y ago
  I think most people are very susceptible to FOMO - so they settle in the fear of missing out their opportunity window. Also, a lot of changes happened in the last 10-15 years that almost ensure that many women have stopped putting in any effort to making themselves look attractive, compared to years before.
kipchak 3y ago
I think the difference that I do not see fully considered is the expectation of someone's preferences being something someone else has a right to expect to be changed, with the causes of the preference (in this case an attractive partner) being somewhat beside the point. This is why as the author points out "it’s easy to see that cuter kindergartners aren’t entitled to a better educational experience". In that role the teachers job is to teach students, with her personal preference in students coming in to play being undesirable. Relationships on the other hand are only between two people and what they like about each other, and their own feelings. Otherwise this line of reasoning can be taken to some potentially rather strange places. Is it then discriminatory for example to exclude partners based on age or gender? These would seem to meet the qualifications of control, harm and unfairness.
lcall 3y ago
Maybe (as the article hints) we sometimes use attractiveness as a proxy for health, youth, intelligence, competence, and/or wealth (or fun). Maybe mass media have distorted our expectations beyond reasonableness. If instead we consider consciously what traits and background will likely lead to multi-generational success (by some definition), we can explicly seek those traits, and make a wiser choice, both in what we try to become and what we seek in a spouse, for example. (After much observation, reading, and experience, I've written about dating and marriage at my non-sales, simple web site, noted in my profile, then one can click on "Things I want to say", "Life Lessons", "Dating and Marriage", for what it's worth. It has a religious background but I think can apply to most people.)

10 points by elsewhen 3y ago

Yes, it's *ism.

This paper was discussed, in typically irreverent fashion, on the Very Bad Wizards podcast a while back: https://podcasts.apple.com/sk/podcast/skin-deep/id557975157?i=1000548969686 https://podcasts.apple.com/sk/podcast/skin-deep/id557975157?...

mock-possum 3y ago
You can skip through like the first 30 minutes to get the meat of this one btw
- kipchak 3y ago
  Discussion of the paper specifically starts at an hour and 7 for anyone looking for it

chaxor 3y ago

Why on earth would this ever be accepted as a HN post.

djcannabiz 3y ago
From the guidelines: "If you had to reduce it to a sentence, the answer might be: anything that gratifies one's intellectual curiosity." I'm curious why you think it doesn't fit the bill. It seems like it does to me.

yannyu 3y ago

A related short story by Ted Chiang speculating on a world without attractiveness: "Liking What You See: A Documentary" by Ted Chiang - https://waldyrious.neocities.org/ted_chiang/liking-what-you-see-a-documentary https://waldyrious.neocities.org/ted_chiang/liking-what-you-...

ThrowAwayMyWay 3y ago

I wonder what makes people different in the regard of how attractive their partner has to be. For me, I prefer to be alone over being with a non-attractive woman. I feel strong disgust when it comes to being physically close to women who are not young, fit, and in the 95% range of attractiveness. While I'm getting older, I watch with surprise how all of my friends settle with average women. I could never do that. How comes?

antisthenes 3y ago
I think most people are very susceptible to FOMO - so they settle in the fear of missing out their opportunity window. Also, a lot of changes happened in the last 10-15 years that almost ensure that many women have stopped putting in any effort to making themselves look attractive, compared to years before.

kipchak 3y ago

I think the difference that I do not see fully considered is the expectation of someone's preferences being something someone else has a right to expect to be changed, with the causes of the preference (in this case an attractive partner) being somewhat beside the point. This is why as the author points out "it’s easy to see that cuter kindergartners aren’t entitled to a better educational experience". In that role the teachers job is to teach students, with her personal preference in students coming in to play being undesirable. Relationships on the other hand are only between two people and what they like about each other, and their own feelings. Otherwise this line of reasoning can be taken to some potentially rather strange places. Is it then discriminatory for example to exclude partners based on age or gender? These would seem to meet the qualifications of control, harm and unfairness.

lcall 3y ago

Maybe (as the article hints) we sometimes use attractiveness as a proxy for health, youth, intelligence, competence, and/or wealth (or fun). Maybe mass media have distorted our expectations beyond reasonableness. If instead we consider consciously what traits and background will likely lead to multi-generational success (by some definition), we can explicly seek those traits, and make a wiser choice, both in what we try to become and what we seek in a spouse, for example. (After much observation, reading, and experience, I've written about dating and marriage at my non-sales, simple web site, noted in my profile, then one can click on "Things I want to say", "Life Lessons", "Dating and Marriage", for what it's worth. It has a religious background but I think can apply to most people.)